September 30th, 2008
One of the guys was communicating with on namelessdatingwebsite told me that he doesn’t believe in love. My response was something like WHAT THE FUCK?!
Seriously, who hits up women on dating websites and woos them with their apathetic attitude toward love? Whatthefuckever.
In other news, I’ve decided I would never have money problems again if every ex-boyfriend who contacted me paid some sort of fee/fine. It appears I’m that girl: the girl who boys profess their love, kindness, and appreciation to AFTER we’re done dating. Thanks a fucking lot guys! I sincerely hope one of the handful of men I’m communicating with right now will appreciate me for all my sassy glory before we’ve broken up. When I asked my friend Steph how to go about charging ex-boyfriends the “I was wrong about you fee” she suggested I make each new guy sign a contract when we first start dating. Lawyers? Help! 
Categories:Assholes, boys are the dumb, Club Celibacy, cobwebs in my privates?, emotional impotency is not hawt, hell is for single people, I have more batteries for my vibrators than Too $hort h
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September 28th, 2008
- Why does flying make me sofucking tired?
- If you run around the (airport) terminal muttering, “Who do I have to fucking blow to get a Diet Coke around here?” Men will stare at you, longingly.
- If you start crying in an airport terminal everyone will stare at you.
- Never again will I neglect to choose my seat in advance. I sat directly next to the toilet, both flights. I had to restrain myself from planting a kiss punching the douchebag in the baby maker who left the folding bathroom door OPEN after taking a dump. So much for packing a snack?.
- I had an incredible time with my friends, though it’s NEVER long enough. I REALLY missed my Neil. He has the most adorable little chicken. (And NO, chicken is not a euphemism for penis, perverts!) Please cross your fingers Neil has to come to Utah on business soon – since that appears to be the only way to trick get friends to visit Utah.
- Neil seemed to be leading the club of friends who think I need to write a book about my family (among other things). Is it really that unusual to have a relative fake their own death? (HEE!)
- For once in my life, could the man resting his elbow on muffin top for the entire flight be young and attractive, or at least not suffer wretched halitosis?
- Last night, after spending the evening with my friends at their beautiful wedding reception, I cried like a baby on the walk to my rental car. And I’m not even having my period! I just really love being home.
- Though there are many things I don’t like about Utah, I couldn’t imagine leaving my two-year-old niece. I feel truly lucky to be a part of her everyday life. I know her far better than I would if I lived in another state. I love that she woke up after she and my sister dropped me off at the airport and squawked for my Ditty Bops CD. Then made my sister replay it over and over before she said my name, “Miss her” and sighed dramatically. It’s even pretty cute when she hushes me for talking during Shrek, until she reaches her boiling point, holds one finger up and shrieks, “AHH-NOYING!”
- My heart is mixed up. It’s confusing to long for home when home means two different places.
- I met my cousin’s 5 month old baby for the first time. He’s a doll. All I wanted to do was squeeze all of his chins and make him giggle.
- I also met my dear friend Lulu’s baby boy. In case you’re wondering what it’s like to hold a 3 week old baby, it’s HEAVEN. What a sweet little peanut. I loved every second that he snuggled up against me, taking a nap, while we sat and visited.
- It might be less depressing to leave the bay area without listening to Beck’s “Sea Change” but I can’t fucking help it.
- I might be less homesick if I could focus on the 6 men I have go-sees (coffee dates) with this week. I hope this means I’m about to get my slut back on! Enough of this club celibacy bullshit, already.
Categories:friends, list, obviously crazy to leave the bay area, Uncategorized
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September 24th, 2008
I have been going back and forth, trying to decide if I should share an online dating jewel with y’all. After a little discussion with some friends and family, I realize it’s toofuckinggood not to share.
Yesterday I received this email, by way of nameless dating service, from a 59 year old man:
“Have you ever considered going out with an older man?”
He also included a link to a personal website (which I am not posting to protect the innocent guilty save my own ass).
On this oh-so-lovely webpage, there was a picture of the gentleman (Exhibit A) and A LOT of poetry. I immediately thought of Nick Nolte’s mugshot (Exhibit B). Though I think Stefanie deserves an award for recognizing similarities with The Dude (Big Lebowski, Exhibit C). Don’t believe me? See for yourself.
Exhibit A
Exhibit B
Exhibit C.
Rather than post a gajillion pieces of poetry, I will share two of my favorite snippets.
she was deeply cut
bled out
it took a long time to heal
pity
WOW. Cut deeply? Bled out? Bring on the skin suit! Let us get to a remote location ASAP.
I would bring you gifts of flowers
to make a garland for your hair
I suppose that would be preferable to boyfriends who forget my birthday or “don’t believe” in Valentine’s Day.
What is the best part about his webpage, you ask? Embedded Celtic music!
I sent this all of this to my sister, who frantically called to ask what on earth was going on. I explained he’s an older man who contacted me on namelessdatingwebsite. Then I said maybe I should consider responding and meeting up with him. He’s the same age as our parents, so that would (obviously) be great; they would have so much in common! Plus, there’s the sweet music and gentle poetry. When I told her that I thought his ears would smell fantastic and I couldn’t wait to have like 100 of his babies, my sister drew the line: “Don’t you EVER say that again. It’s so gross you just made my uterus throw up.”
Categories:going to hell, hell is for single people, holy rad, it's called sarcasm, OH MY HORRORS
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September 22nd, 2008
- I bombed my bio test. Boo.
- Daytrotter is an awesome website to discover new Indie music. Especially if you lost your entire iTunes library when your hard drive went boom.
- Really bummed about that stupid bio test. May reward myself for not crying about it with a milkshake.
- In internet dating news: I’m communicating with a few decent (seeming) men. Haven’t met anyone in person, nor has anyone declared their penis small. Quite an accomplishment!
- Decided to go ahead and make the trip to the bay area next weekend. Excited to see my family and friends…hopefully the rest of the week goes by smoother than it started.
- Last week I decided if Algebra were Star Wars my teacher would be a Jedi. Today I decided he’s a Sith Lord after spending 160 minutes solving twelve systems of equations. I regularly leave class with LESS knowledge than I began. FUCK.
- I mentioned in a post last week that I named an asshole in a creative writing story after an ex-boyfriend. The next assignment from my teacher requires I keep that asshole in the story and award him full custody of an infant. Which is great, because I made him a DRUG DEALER. Can’t decide if I should write him out of the story with a shooting, overdose, arrest involving drugs, an arrest involving drugs and CPS, or all of the above. You might think I’m taking a class on writing Lifetime TV mini-series…and you would be right! It’s the only class I’m acing right now. So hooray for soap operas.
- The other day I watched a guy tell a woman how beautiful she was, as he walked by. So distracted by her beauty, he didn’t pay attention to where he was walking and he walked straight into a pillar. Fucking awesome.
- I got so mad at a shitty-ass teenage driver on Saturday night when she (unsuccessfully) tried to pass me and got stuck next to me (after tailing me sofuckingclose I couldn’t even see her headlights for 10 minutes), that I yelled “You drive like a spoiled piece of shit!” When her passenger started to yell back, I told her she was a “Fucking cunt.” Which marks my official transformation into a crazy old lady who will yell at kids to get off my mother fucking lawn. And I have the T-shirt to prove it. Interesting, I was wearing it during the road rage screaming match.
- Time to go get that milkshake.
Categories:Assholes, confession, fucking paradise, getting my learn on, I miss sleeping, I've had better mornings, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, list, Uncategorized
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September 18th, 2008
What’s the title have to do with me being broke? Nothing really, except that I’ve got Ol’ Dirty Bastard stuck on my mind and I’m about to bitch about finances.
It turns out I’m not the only one stressed out over being a broke-ass student. Before I went to visit my friend last weekend I had $30 in my bank account and nine days until pay day. So I did what any self-sufficient thirty-two year old woman living in her parent’s basement would do: I snaked $12 in quarters from my dad’s ski fund. The TSA agent freaked out when she saw my backpack in the x-ray machine and asked me if I had a roll of quarters in my bag. Apparently, stealing borrowing quarters from your dad is a crime against aviation.
Since then, my financial aid arrived (FINALLY!). For the moment I have some cash, but I’m freaked out to spend it because I can very easily be back in the same broke-ass situation. There are a few things I need to do, but I’m torn about spending the money (other than repaying dad’s ski fund and purchasing an external hard drive). I’m debating whether or not to take a trip to the bay area next weekend for a friend’s wedding reception. The bride wants me to save my money and visit during Christmas break when I have more money (HA!) and time (so we can visit this place). Which I totally think I should do, except that my cousin and her new baby are going to be in town (because of me) and my dear friend Lulu just had her first baby and I don’t want to let either of them down.
The only solution I’ve been able to come up with, thus far, is to get my hands on some anthrax vaccine. I heard and ad on the radio offering $500 CASH MONEY to plasma donors who’ve been vaccinated for anthrax. Plasma proceeds would be wisely spent to visit my family and friends and maybe to purchase a hooker wardrobe for the next time I’m hurting for cash.
Categories:crap, getting my learn on, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, it's called sarcasm
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September 16th, 2008
The hard drive on my MacBook blew up and none of my data is recoverable. Hearing the news made me want to cry. Then I realized it’s not that fucked. Unless you count the weeks of notes I lost for this week’s biology test.
I had a great time in California but I feel little guilty about one thing: I missed Utah. I know – it’s the weirdest shit ever! Had a great time with my friends and family, loved being time at the beach, appreciated going into a bar without dealing with all that lame membership bullshit…but I found myself missing Utah. Never thought I’d think that, let alone share it! A friend likened it to missing a loser boyfriend: you know he’s a douche and yet you miss him. Stupid Utah, confusing my heart!
Categories:confession, I've had better mornings, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, Lame, mac, OH MY HORRORS, Uncategorized
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September 11th, 2008
- For the past week I forgot (that I needed) to buy coffee, until just before I fell asleep. I finally remembered last night and this morning I almost felt human. Almost.
- After discussing dating with a friend last week, I signed up (again) for some more internet dating punishment fun.
- The next time a guy tells me has a small penis on a first date I’m going to make him prove it.
- I’m talking to a guy (not Mr. Small Penis) who shares the same name as two of my BFF’s husbands. Weird.
- Is it just me, or is every guy who internet dates in marketing or engineering?
- Today I leave for OC to visit my old friend Zanny. WEEE!
- I am incredibly excited to spend time at the ocean. This landlocked business is weird shit, yo.
- Is it bad that I named a loser in a creative writing assignment after an ex-boyfriend?
- Calling Delta customer service phone number is so frustrating it makes me want to punch a baby.
- I would like to give a big, warm hug to the people who reached my blog with the following search phrases: bm means shit, cry in my performance evaluation, just vagina, and fucking story of old maid.
- The Beastie Boys “Professor Booty” still owns, sixteen years later. Holy fuck, SIXTEEN YEARS?! That makes me feel a little old.
Categories:Uncategorized
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September 8th, 2008
This morning I stopped by a drive through coffee shop. As I pulled into the shopping center a guy in a Daewoo sped through the parking lot and cut me off to reach the drive through first. WHATEVER. I was too tired to get very annoyed about it. Especially because he ended up being (disturbingly) entertaining. And I enjoyed looking at his humongous knock off Dolce and Gabbana knock off sunglasses; they were smashing with his fancy car!
Mr. Daewoo was so important he couldn’t get off his cell phone to order his drink. ANNOYING! The girl taking his order had to ask him to repeat himself THREE times. Poor girl probably thought she heard him wrong when he ordered a 20 ounce, iced, skinny cafe mocha with five shots of espresso. FIVE SHOTS of espresso in a 20 ounce, iced drink? That’s about one tablespoon of chocolate milk with an entire cup of espresso. Good morning nasty!
Though not as gross as what he did for the next five minutes: PICK HIS FUCKING NOSE. And it wasn’t like he was went in for one little annoyance, this dude went to fucking town.
Did I really just write an entire post about a stranger picking his nose? Yup. Carry on.
Categories:Uncategorized
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September 7th, 2008
My friend Lyle celebrated his birthday this weekend and had the most fabulous costume party theme ever: FLDS!
Seriously. How fucking cute is he?
I enjoyed beer with my sister wife.
Looked to heaven with another pregnant sister wife.
I COVET her bangs. (Please don’t tell the prophet on me.)
Watched the conga line from afar…
…because I had a sleeping baby in my lap. HA. Don’t be so jealous of my red stretch pants and flowery dress, K?
My baby doll was such a big hit that people were LITERALLY fighting over her.
I couldn’t walk anywhere without folks cooing over how cute she was and shit. Begging to hold her.
I don’t understand this either, but I fucking love it.
Who says sister wives can’t be sexy too, HUH?!
Brother John brought pictures of his wives that were unable to attend. He even brought a bar-on-the-go in his scripture case, complete with mixers! We come prepared y’all.
Lyle (my polygamist husband) is fabulous times infinity.
We were sad when the night came to an end.
Although this couple seemed pretty happy. They didn’t even mind a slew of digital camera flashes.
All in all, it was a good night. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
Categories:Uncategorized
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September 4th, 2008
Normally I like short weeks because, well, they’re short! But this week has been total hell. Three days of work and school felt like three hundred days. Luckily, things are looking up!
My meltdown began with this post, where I alluded to a whole bunch of bullshit…I am happy to report that the bullshit has worked its way out. A completely ridiculous situation with my bank has been fixed! Financial aid is ALMOST here!
Today I received a package in the mail. Who doesn’t like receiving fun, unexpected packages; especially when they don’t involve bills?! Sarah’s dog, Daisy the wonder pug, read my sad post about my inability to eat my feelings macaroni and cheese. Daisy sent me this super fucking fabulous spread of mac n’ cheese with an adorable little card.
“My mom says you are sad. Whenever I’m sad I eat and so should you. I miss your cuddle nest. We love you!
<3 Daisy”
Thanks for making my day, Daisy! My cuddle nest misses you too.
Categories:happy happy joy joy, holy yum-o, stuff I put in my mouth, Uncategorized
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