Sometimes I feel like everything will be OK. Living in an area with an enormous amount of pregnant women and/or new babies is difficult. We had a great day yesterday…I hadn’t cried all morning, then on our way home from breakfast and hanging out with sister and niece we passed a billboard for LDS hospital that said something like “New rooms for new moms” with a couple cradling their infant. Cue hysterical sobbing.
Don’t read this if you’re depressed
February 15th, 2009
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Categories:Utahrds, confession, miscarriage, too bad I don't have mental health coverage
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I thought not knowing was the worst, I was wrong
February 12th, 2009
I expected the ultrasound jelly to be cold and shocking, but it was nice and warm. I drank an obscene amount of liquids beforehand as instructed by the nurse. The tech placed the wand across my tummy and I continued to override my fear with positive thoughts; I felt as if my bladder may explode and for a moment, it was the only thing visible on the screen. Then the still, tiny baby appeared and we both knew something was wrong. I silently pleaded with the lifeless baby to move. Please move, baby. PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE.
Our little fetus measured in length at 8 weeks and whatever other measurement they use at 9 weeks, instead of the 12 weeks along it should have been. Realizing that our tiny little baby stopped growing weeks ago and was dead inside of me, was beyond devastating.
I did everything right: prenatal vitamins, eating healthy and balanced meals, no smoking, I avoided all of my favorite foods that weren’t pregnancy safe, no alcohol, I even cut out Diet Coke and coffee. I now realize my hellish 1st trimester pregnancy symptoms (constant nausea, excessive saliva, mood swings from hell, and breasts so sore they felt as if evil little trolls snuck in during the night to stuff them full of rocks) stopped about the same time our baby stopped growing.
The tech went to consult with the radiologist and to call my doctor to discuss what came next. We were both devastated. I got dressed and curled up into Mike’s lap, grateful they allowed us to stay inside the ultrasound room instead of returning to the waiting room. I didn’t want anyone to see me. Especially not the trashy, VERY pregnant woman in the waiting room who was drinking Mountain Dew and sharing it with her 15-month-old baby telling him, “It’s your favorite!” Are you fucking kidding me? MOUNTAIN DEW? That bitch was feeding both her born and unborn children caffeine, yellow number 5 and brominated brominated vegetable oil as I melted into an exhausted mess in Mike’s arms, mourning the loss of our baby? THIS IS NOT FAIR.
I am really struggling. The analytical side of me says, “It’s OK, the baby wasn’t meant to be, there was something wrong with the baby for it to have stopped growing.” But the rest of me? The rest of me aches. I want my baby. I feel raw and exhausted. We started loving that baby the moment we found out I was pregnant. Being in public is dangerous: there are pregnant people EVERYWHERE in Utah. Walking out my door is a constant reminder of my loss. I am worried I will overload my love with this sadness and sometimes I fear this will never go away.
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Categories:miscarriage
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BYU Study Shows Violent Video Games Increase Number of Sex Partners?
February 6th, 2009
One of the great things about living in Utah is the seemingly endless supply of fucked up bullshit! This morning my boyfriend sent me a link to this blog post about a “study” Brigham Young University completed.
The study followed 500 female and 313 male US undergraduate college students. They found:
“Young men were also more likely to use the Internet for entertainment, daily headline news, and pornography, while young women more often used the Internet for email and schoolwork.”
Also:
“However, regardless of gender, clear correlations were seen between frequent gaming and more frequent alcohol and drug use and lower quality personal relationships, as well as more frequent violent gaming and a greater number of sexual partners and low quality personal relationships.”
Low quality personal relationships? According to whom?! Talk about a worthless study! I wonder if they took into account the average age of their participants was 20 years of age? Frequent alcohol and drug use? Greater number of sexual partners? In the real world, we call that COLLEGE. Add to that: they are giving poor nerdy gamers everywhere false hope about all the pussy they’ll be scoring while they’re making Gears of War scream their name. Yikes.
It’s a good thing Brigham Young University isn’t doing anything WORTHWHILE with their time and money. I am grateful they’re not using my tax dollars, though it does chap my hide the LDS church (ahem, my childhood cult) got 10% of my babysitting money until I wised up and left around the same time babysitting was no longer my main source of income.
I am having an angry day. But seriously, you should go read the linked blog post and article. They are both jewels!
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Categories:Uncategorized
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February Spring Cleaning
February 1st, 2009
1. I HATE it when crumbs stick to my feet.
2. How the hell does this household not have a broom?
3. I am going to cut myself if I forget to buy a broom the next time I leave this house.
4. It looks like an obsessive compulsive disorder spider monkey cleaned the fuck out of my kitchen.
5. It looks like that OCD spider monkey’s slow brother organized this kitchen. Uh-duuuuh.
6. Well, it used to look like that slow monkey organized this kitchen.
7. Of course I’d rather be cleaning and organizing shit instead of sleeping at 5:00AM.
8. How do black skid marks get in the middle of the refrigerator door?
9. I am no longer have fear in my heart when I look at the microwave.
10. Clorox Wipes are my friend.
11. Cactus shaped margarita glasses are ugly as FUCK.
12. I threw away more than 20 random, dirty, mismatched pieces of Tupperware that belonged to the old FILTHY roommate.
13. When my boyfriend woke up he said, “You are like a cleaning ninja!”
14. When our roommate woke up he said, “SERIOUSLY, who cleans BEHIND the microwave?!”
15. I’m ready to make guacamole and black bean salsa for the Super Bowl…just as soon as I clean up after whatever the roommate left in his breakfast wake.
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Categories:All About Pants, I miss sleeping, fresh as a daisy, happy happy joy joy, list
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Oh Me Oh My
January 8th, 2009
I ran across this frightening treasure in a local thrift store. For those of you who aren’t aware of what “Family Home Evening” is, it’s time that you set aside on Monday night to spend with your family…usually a church lesson and some songs or games. It sounds like a nice idea, right? But maybe not EXACTLY as depicted in this little picture.
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Categories:Childhood Cult, Uncategorized, Utahrds, evil, going to hell
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Zzzz
January 7th, 2009
Last night I had a dream that I was in Wal-Mart, only it was a HUGE Wal-Mart, like that size of Ikea. And I kept getting stuck inside. It was like a giant maze and as soon as I was almost out of it, I would get thrown back in again. It was horrible. I started to get really stressed out that I couldn’t get out of it. And I was continually being shoved into this huge freight elevator with all these other customers and the door would SLAM down, then I’d be thrown back to the beginning again.
Then, when I finally got out of the damn store, I got stuck in the parking lot! Every time I was nearly out of the parking lot I’d get thrown back in again. Eventually I ended up driving my compact car, off-road, through a wooded area. When the road got too narrow and difficult to maneuver my car, I got out, tied a large rope around it and carried my freaking car over my shoulder, uphill, through trees.
For once, I was excited to get the hell out of bed and into the shower. MEH.
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Categories:I've had better mornings, Lame
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Oy vey!
January 2nd, 2009
I am getting ready to move in with my guy and I have been on a cleaning rampage! Tonight I was hoping to get started with the wet vacuum we borrowed from his mother but I let the kitchen suck me in and I’m a little annoyed because I feel like there’s still a lot to do.
Luckily, his supremely filthy roommate moved out. He moved in with his girlfriend. I almost feel sorry for her, but she had seen his room on many occasions and knew what she’s getting into: SUPREME NASTINESS. We were shocked and amazed when he was out by the end of the month, as promised.
These pictures were taken after he had moved HALF of his shit out. I have never seen this anything of this nasty magnitude; these pictures don’t even do the squalor justice. I mean, who not only never cleans, but just continues to add junk? And for TWO YEARS?! When he was asked to tidy up enough to room so the balcony (in his room) could be accessed, it took him an entire month to make a pathway through the filth. But now the room is empty, had a shit-ton of sage burned, vacuumed, and ready to scream the wet vacuum’s name. Thank fucking god.
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Categories:OH MY HORRORS, Vomit, overshare, squalor
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I’m Alive!
December 29th, 2008
I survived Christmas, still in one piece, didn’t cry myself to sleep, and I still have an awesome boyfriend who makes me extremely happy. He gets double awesome points for meeting my uber religious sister, her husband, their four (EXTREMELY LOUD) daughters, and STILL loving me.
He held up like a champ under a perverse and strange round of something my sister called “Getting To Know You” but was more like an intensive 25 point inspection. I sat down in between him on the couch and a herd of my female relatives ranging in age from 2 to 64 and he said something about needing to create a word estro-sault. He’s pretty fucking incredible.
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Categories:barfing rainbows, my dysfunctional family is better than yours, stuff I put in my mouth
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Exhausted
December 12th, 2008
I feel a little like I was just run over by a car. I survived finals, though I fear I will be repeating math. (BOO!) I would love to see if my teacher has posted our grades, but there’s a bloody hold on my grades and registration. I paid the fee and they still haven’t fucking removed the hold. BAH! I’ve been working on getting it fixed all week. It CANNOT be this complicated. Not that it matters, I’m sure my asshole teacher hasn’t posted our grades yet. When I turned in my final he handed me the last two tests. That would have been helpful information before taking the final. It also would have been helpful if he had taught the information on the goddamn final. But I suppose that’s asking too much, huh?
My grandma is in the hospital. I went by after work and spent a few hours with her, kept her company until she was moved her from the ER to a room. She was really sweet and asked me all sorts of questions about my man. I had a nice time visiting with her; I only wish it were under better circumstances. She’ll probably be in the hospital until the weekend. Tomorrow they’re going to do an endoscopy so hopefully we’ll know more. Please keep my grams in your thoughts and prayers.
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Categories:getting my learn on, my dysfunctional family is better than yours
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