Pants, pants, PANTS!

I was going to detail past break up coping methods. But who wants to hear about how I smashed that hideous glass thingy that one guy’s mother gave me? Or how I burnt some stuff from another one, a few rungs back? I better stop now because that list could become hideously long. And depressing.

On with my new method: VACATION.

I accepted a very generous offer from my good friend S to visit Washington state. I was able to step away from some of my recent drama, see a lot of a new-to-me state and meet S’s loved ones. Who by the way, now feel like my loved ones. It was nothing short of awesome.

S treated me to five of the best hours I’ve ever spent naked here. It was to die for. When I’m ready to start dating, I want to date a Korean woman. With strong hands.

Some other highlights. . .

I found this amusing because I am sick.

Those who can’t drop 5k on beautiful plates, take pictures.

S! My angel!

One our way to the airport a french monkey gave us a tour of Pike Place Market! Why yes, that is a cup from the original Starbucks store!

Even their airport is cool! I’ve only been back for twenty-four hours and I’m ready for more!

In fourth grade a Texan transplant showed up in my Southern Californian elementary school shortly after I had. His name was Howdy. Yes, HOWDY. His parents hated him that much.

At the age of ten I found Howdy’s Texan drawl adorable. I was ecstatic the day he told some boy, to tell some girl, to tell me, he wanted to “go with” me. So I told that girl, to tell that boy, to tell Howdy I would “go with” him.

I rode my beach cruiser home from school so happy I felt like I was flying. I knew better than to tell my parents about “going with” Howdy, but I did tell my older sister, who promptly administered a large dose of Mormon guilt. She really gave it to me for dating before I was sixteen (forbidden by the Mormon religion and our parents). She said if I didn’t break it off with Howdy, she would be forced to tell our parents. In a matter of minutes I went from ecstatic to wracked with guilt. For the rest of the evening I felt physically ill.

First thing the next morning I told the girl, to tell the boy, to tell Howdy I couldn’t “go with” him anymore. The funny part is, we went together for a total of nineteen hours and we didn’t speak to each other once.

It bothers me when I ask someone how they are and their response is a day of the week.

How are you?
It’s Monday.

Hi, how are you?
It’s Friday.

What the hell? When someone asks how YOU are, a day of the week is not a proper response! What’s wrong with a simple fine, thank you or even an I’ve had better?

It makes me feel like I’m in Office Space, or The Office. While I like the movie and TV show, I don’t want to be them.

BEST T-SHIRT EVER!

Not only is THIS t-shirt totally awesome, they provide a link detailing Joseph Smith’s twenty-four wives. Way to go childhood cult leader!

Today I saw an SUV with a “God will bless America when it returns to God” sticker parked next to a car with a “We are creating enemies faster than we can kill them” sticker.

I was doing laundry tonight, because that’s what cool people do on a Friday night, and I found two gigantic scabs inside of one of my apartment complex washers. Fucking gross, man.

…is more ladies writhing around in bikini bottoms outfitted with chunky belts and knee pads.

How are you?

I haven’t been good about posting…except to bitch about the weather…and I’ve been terrible at responding to comments. I’m certain that a post containing recent search phrases isn’t the appropriate comeback, but it’s all I got.

I have ghost in my apartment – Good luck with that.

uterus quiver – In the interest of birth control, I’m not going to touch this.

“Jeremy Haskell” – I had no idea so many people would search my first boyfriend’s name.

wearing pants in MRI – Aw, the good old MRI. It’s almost like I had one last week. Wait. I did have one last week.

johhny lingo cows – Mother fucking Johhny Lingo and his ten cow woman.

nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea – YEA! Pepto Bismol!

poop pants – I’m always good for a poop joke, good or bad?

cat genitals – This makes me miss my number one cat humping resource. (Sob, sob.)

eat own scabs – This doesn’t make me miss anything…especially not corn flakes.

“Gave My Word” image search – This has been far more popular than I’d imagined. Time to remove it from the ol’ photo bucket?

I haven’t updated because I’ve been rather busy searching shelter amongst pools, friends with central air, movie theaters and book stores. If it’s this hot on Sunday, I may go to church. Not.