January 30th, 2010
The past week has been full of emotions, sadness and frustrations. I have been caring for my grandma and grandpa full-time since November. Previous to that I was cleaning their house and doing little errands for 2 – 4 hours per week. I quit my job and took on caring for them full time when grandma was having trouble keeping up with the demands. Grandpa was not well when I started and I was aware I would likely be caring for him until his death.
He was 92 when he died and grandma will soon be 90. His rapid aging and health issues greatly overshadow the fact that grandma is only 2 years younger than him. He was a difficult man; he was not the most caring or considerate and this seemed to get worse as he aged. I would not have made it through helping to care for him into death if not for my kind and loving grandmother. I’m not sure if she’s an angel or insane, or perhaps a bit of both. (I’ve also started to wonder the same of myself!)
Modern medicine and science have been keeping grandpa alive for a very long time: he was on his fourth or fifth pace maker and had regular blood transfusions for more than a decade. Initially, just a few times per year but before going onto the hospice program in November he received 7 units of blood within 3 weeks. His body was just not able to keep him alive anymore.
The hardest part was watching him die while grandma made excuses for his controlling and manipulative behavior. He couldn’t do anything by himself, not even go to the bathroom. She would shuffle behind him once or twice an hour when he would declare, “I have got to go!” I could see the sadness and exhaustion in her eyes as she would shakily stand from her pink recliner but she rarely talked about it. As much as possible I ran around fetching things for him to save grandma’s aching arthritic legs and knees. Lots of microwaving his “friend” (wheat filled heating pad), grabbing phone, preparing and serving his meals, housework, paying household bills, gardening, preparing his medications, etc.
I have so much more to say and explain but I’m feeling exhausted from the week, so perhaps I will write more later. I’m looking forward to his funeral service on Tuesday and having the funeral preparations and stress end so I can start helping grandma recover and heal from her exhaustion.
Categories:death, my dysfunctional family is better than yours
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January 5th, 2010
My uncle came by today to say hello to the grandparents. He lives and works closer to grams than the rest of us but has only recently started making an effort to spend time with his mother and stepfather. I’m glad that he’s (FINALLY) started to pay attention to grams (because she loves it) but damn, being around him is painful.
Uncle has an inflection to his voice best described as “full of the spirit.” The way that he emphasizes words and takes a soft-spoken, yet authoritative, tone when talking about church stuff (which is pretty much all the time) makes me feel stabby.
Last month he brought by a Jesus-y Christmas book and related a church talk he gave that compared the grips Satan can take on one’s testimony of the gospel to the destruction of the Titanic. BARF-A-FUCKING-RAMA. He also made sure to warn the grandparents about a “Terribly un-American movie. You may have heard of it, it’s called Avatar.” (Cue hysterical laughter.)
During today’s visit I made sure to remain busy cleaning while he was in the house so I didn’t have to interact with him. I should have put in earplugs. First he started in with all this “let’s destroy all of nature in attempt to rape the earth of oil / environmentalists are evil” crap. I didn’t start to really lose it until an elderly neighbor stopped by. Grandma introduced uncle as her “geologist son” to the neighbor.
Neighbor: Geologist, huh? Can you tell me if we’re going to have an earthquake?
Uncle: I can’t tell you if we’re going to have an earthquake, unless you live in Cedar City, then I can tell you that there was an earthquake morning. The real danger you should watch out for is a large meteor hitting the earth.
Neighbor: Is that so? You can tell that with science?
Uncle: Not with science, but with something more concrete: THE BOOK OF REVELATIONS.
Then the uncle and neighbor took turns baring their testimonies of the truthfulness of the one and only restored gospel of Jesus Christ on the earth (aka, THE MORMONS). I did my best to stay away from sharp implements and get the fuck out of there before I lost my mind.
Categories:Anxiety, Childhood Cult, OH MY HORRORS, Utahrds, feeling stabby, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet
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November 9th, 2009
After all that time being freaked out, depressed, and unemployed I discovered something more maddening: THE WORST JOB EVER. When I told the placement agency just how unhappy I was their response was along the lines of: “We knew that would happen.” ARGH!
I have little notes of the terrible things I heard everyday. I felt like I was on some hidden camera show because honestly, I didn’t know anything could be THAT BAD. I knew I was in serious hell within the first hour when I overheard my supervisor say, “My eight-year-old daughter is never gunna have boobs. At least not until she finds a man to buy them for her.” (Commence vomiting.)
Thankfully, I’m done with that hideous company and moving on to something much more meaningful: helping care for my aging grandparents. For the last couple of months I have been cleaning their house for two hours per week. It was enough at first, but the last few months, weeks in particular, have been rough and my grandma isn’t able to do as much as she used to. I’ve been trying to cram a week’s worth of cleaning into two hours and it just hasn’t been working, so I was ecstatic when she asked if I’d like to increase my hours. I hope that being there will help her regain some of her strength and to feel comforted that she doesn’t need to worry so much. I really enjoy spending time with them and I am grateful to be able to help and feel lucky to spend more time with my grandma and grandpa.
Categories:Assholes, F that stupid job, Utahrds, grams, illiterate dummies are not hot
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September 16th, 2009
“I suffer no illusions that this will be an easy process. It will be hard. But I also know that nearly a century after Teddy Roosevelt first called for reform, the cost of our health care has weighed down our economy and the conscience of our nation long enough. So let there be no doubt: health care reform cannot wait, it must not wait, and it will not wait another year.”
– President Barack Obama, February 24, 2009
I hope and pray that health care reform change begins ASAP. Unfortunately I fear that will not happen.
After watching the President’s address to the joint session of Congress on Health Care I found myself extremely disenchanted: not with anything Mr. President said (he was quite inspiring), I was disheartened to hear the booing and yelling from the Republican side of Congress and the very inappropriate outburst from Rep. Joe Wilson. If Congressional members cannot express feelings and ideas in a civil manner it is no wonder American citizens are not capable of positive political discourse. I have started to close myself off politically because nothing positive comes from sharing my thoughts and feelings. There is no exchange of ideas and principles, only yelling and bickering. We can’t even talk to each other anymore! We are surrounded by shocking and distasteful beliefs, actions, and tactics. My greatest fear is that the political shenanigans between the two political parties will prevent any real change or progress.
The previous paragraph was brought to you by the grief and emotional eruption resulting from receiving the following letter from the hospital where I received my D&C in February. After five months of consistent payments they mailed me this:
“***FINAL NOTICE***
This is our final effort. We value your patronage and want you as a patient. But, as much as we regret, your account may be placed with an outside agency for collection unless full payment is made within the next ten (10) days.”
BULLSHIT! They do not value my patronage or want me as a patient. If they did, they wouldn’t be such pricks. The phone calls to them are nothing short of horrific. I swear the call center representatives at the hospital were direct hired DMV employee rejects with anger and rage issues. I know it’s probably an error (I hope) and I will call them shortly to attempt resolution, but I am not looking forward to it anymore than I would look forward to a colonoscopy.
Receiving that letter really struck a chord in me. I am sick and fucking tired of all the bullshit associated with our health care and the political responses to the possibilities of change. So I did what any normal American would do, I wrote a letter to the President. I was going to email it but I think intent can be lost in the current electronic shuffle. So I’m rocking it old school and sending my letter via snail mail.
Categories:Anxiety, Assholes, Customer Service Bullshit, I’ve lost that loving feeling, dumb, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, miscarriage, overshare, too bad I don't have mental health coverage
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September 3rd, 2009
Still looking for a new job…applying and applying and not hearing back. Rather frustrating but I’ve been trying to keep my mind off it by not leaving the house, waiting until the end of the day to shower, and doing embroidery 24/7. Who knew unemployment would be so much fun? Well, maybe not the fun part, though I am enjoying throwing myself into needle crafts with reckless abandon.
Somehow with all the job searching and embroidery fun I’ve had time to become totally obsessed with pbs.org…I found Sick Around the World very enlightening (and fucking depressing). How are we the ONLY developed country with such a fucked up medical system that 60% of people who file for bankruptcy due so because of medical bills? I’ve had my own issues with medical bills…I won’t bore you with…just feeling a bit charged up after seeing some of the “conversation” on FB about health care. 
Categories:Uncategorized
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August 17th, 2009
I was laid off last week – this is the first time I’ve lost a job. In the past I’ve had employers try to keep me when I’ve given notice so this has been a little different.
Though I would have appreciated some notice about my job disappearing, it’s really not that bad. For a plethora of reasons I won’t bore you with, I am relieved not to have to go there anymore. I am excited to find a new job and grateful to have some time off. Tomorrow was supposed to be my due date and I’m happy not to be suffering through a workday pretending I’m OK. Instead, I’m going to hang out with my niece and we’ll pay a visit to my grandma’s house.
Mike and I have a new addition to our home: his kitty, Mister X! X was left behind with his ex because of a shitload of reasons that aren’t worth going into. So a few weeks ago we heard that Mister X wasn’t doing well: unable to keep food down, having accidents everywhere, losing weight at an alarming rate, and needing to be put to sleep. When Mister X came last Saturday we feared it would be for a 72 hour goodbye before he was going to be put to sleep. But he hasn’t thrown up or had a single accident here and does not act like an animal that needs to die within 72 hours, which leads me to believe maybe he just hated the husband’s ex. HA! Isn’t he a cutie? It’s been really nice having a fuzzy new friend around…I don’t even mind sharing my pillow with him.
Last week we celebrated Mike’s 30th birthday. We went to his cabin and watched a gorgeous meteor shower. It was nice to get away from the city, even though it was just for a bit. And I made him a nerdy cross stitch sampler. I had such a good time I think I’ll start some new embroidery projects with all of my extra time.
Categories:Meow, birthday, crafty
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July 28th, 2009
I’ve been having fitful and frustrating dreams lately. While we were planning the wedding I wasn’t able to think about my miscarriage very much. Now that the wedding has passed and what would have been my due date is approaching, I seem to be having more and more dreams about babies.
Over the weekend I had a dream that Mike and I were at a Schlitterbahn Waterpark. (Random? Yes.) We were at the top of a large waterslide when I started going into labor: it was very unnerving, especially when the teenage lifeguard delivered the baby. In my dream the baby was born safe and healthy. The next part of the dream was me at home with the baby and I couldn’t seem to hold the baby correctly. I would be walking around with my infant in my arms and it would slip out. This happened a few times and when I would not be able to hold the baby safely it would gently fall onto a bed or sofa. Even though it was all a dream, I woke up feeling a serious sense of failure because I couldn’t even hold my own baby without dropping it…which was bizarre to feel when I was awake since I don’t have a baby.
Today I saw a car with TWO “Baby on Board” signs. I have always found Baby on Board signs pretentious and annoying because if they didn’t have their stupid sign up warning me to be careful around their car, I would totally demolish it with my shitty driving skills. WTF? I noticed the driver (mother) was smoking a cigarette with a little baby girl in the backseat (I only knew because pink threw up all over that backseat) and an elementary school aged boy in the front seat. I wish I didn’t get so upset, but I hate seeing people abuse their kids. It seemed especially horrible since she posted fucking Baby on Board signs all over her back window and bumper. I wanted to jump out of my car at a stoplight and save those kids because she obviously doesn’t deserve them.
Categories:Anxiety, I've had better mornings, OH MY HORRORS, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, overshare, too bad I don't have mental health coverage
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July 19th, 2009
We were married last weekend, surrounded by our loved ones in the mountains. My sister was our officiant and we wrote our own vows. I was unsure if I was speaking loud enough until I publicly thanked Mike for proving my fears of becoming a crazy old cat lady wrong and everyone erupted in laughter.
The day was over in a flash! Friends had warned us that would happen. I couldn’t believe how perfectly the day went. I was so calm I even surprised myself! I didn’t even panic when the boning in my brand new bustier broke through and popped out the top because our friend Vivi was there to perform emergency costuming surgery. She is a GODDESS! She was instantly superglueing and sewing. Vivi is a LIFESAVER.
Mike and I both did a little bit of writing after the ceremony to see how we both remembered it. From the moment they told me to come downstairs for the ceremony it felt like I was flying. It was almost like being on an amusement park ride…I just glided from one moment to the next. I was so happy and grateful to be married in such a beautiful ceremony.
We have both started remembering little bits and pieces as we see photographs. Details that were lost in the rush of the day. I cannot wait to see our professional wedding photos…so far we have photos from friends and they all look INCREDIBLE. I’m sure the wedding photographer will blow our minds.
Here are a few of my favorite photographs from the day, so far.
Categories:happy happy joy joy, wedding
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July 6th, 2009
Less than a week until the wedding and the stress has been incredibly awful. Last week I decided to stop making decisions. I can tell my indifference to most things is annoying my mother but I don’t know how else to react. When I offer an opinion about my wedding, it is shot down so I can shut up or attempt to fight it out. Lame.
After telling my mother that I wanted to write a very carefully worded letter to Walt Disney thanking him for promoting the myth of fairytale weddings she told me that most brides give their mothers more responsibility so they don’t have to be all freaked out. It’s funny because I thought putting my mother in charge of making and transporting all of the food, coordinating borrowing tables, chairs, and tablecloths was a lot of responsibility. But apparently it is not enough because she continues to make shitloads of spreadsheets about everyfuckingdetail and lives for long conversations about table placement that make me dream of suicide. I don’t know what else to give her unless she wants to wear my wedding dress.
I just reread the previous paragraph and I am a total bitch! Which our good friends S and V told me is permitted. They said Mike and I both get a behavior “pass” this week. (But after the wedding they’ll start making a list – HA.)
S also saved me from my mother yesterday after the ridiculously overstressed transportation of the tables and chairs to the cabin. He jumped in and helped with discussing details I lacked the brainpower (or desire) to address. And at the end of the day when we were at S and V’s house, being fed delicious vodka cherry concoctions, S perfectly summed up the day of watching our families interact when he said, “There are too many cooks in the kitchen!” Suddenly I don’t feel so bad about mentally checking out and spending most of my day taking deep breaths and playing solitaire on Facebook.
Categories:Anxiety, Engagement, confession, fucking paradise, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, my dysfunctional family is better than yours, wedding
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June 25th, 2009
After an hour of discussing shit-loads of wedding planning details, the conversation turned to tables and chairs. The discussion was going NOWHERE. All I could think about was trying to get home in time to go swimming with Mike (which I wasn’t able to do). I finally burst out, “I could care less where people sit. For all I care they can eat off my ASS.” My mother replied, “Well then, your ass better be clean.” I think my mom is pretty awesome.
Categories:Anxiety, my dysfunctional family is better than yours, wedding, where's my medicine?
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