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My Unquiet Mind
I’ve struggled with what to write for this BlogShare. There are so many things rattling around in my brain right now that I’ve had difficulty settling on one topic. Then, I realized I should just write about the fact I have so much rattling around in my brain.
Several years back I was diagnosed with Bipolar I. This mental disease is caused by many factors – family history, trauma (known or unknown), an imbalance in brain chemicals, and also a lot of unknown reasons. It cannot be diagnosed by any sort of test. Instead it is diagnosed based on the occurrence of several behaviors for extended periods of time.
I manage quite well. I go to support group meetings and am one of few who can manage a full-time job. Not only do I have a full-time job, but it is a full-time professional. I am pleased with my accomplishments and am thankful I manage my disease so well (and have such a great support system), but that doesn’t mean things are ever perfect – or close to perfect.
I struggle with my disorder everyday. Having bipolar is a daily battle – even on the right dosages of medication and with the right medical team and support system. My mood swings aren’t typically bad – small highs and small lows. My last hospitalization was over two years ago. But, lately I’ve been going a little batty in my brain – or at least feeling that way.
I think it may be the onset of the coming season and building anxiety about all the major events I have to plan and host. There comes a time when the work and the deadlines pile drastically on top of each other and my work (including weekends) doesn’t seem to slow down for several months. I acknowledge I may be on the verge of hypomania and if hypomania is not treated properly it can lead to full blown mania – which is where things can (but not necessarily) get REALLY bad.
So, my mind is racing – going from one fleeting thought to another, not able to finish one task before leaping to the next, not able to maintain focus in conversations or stay on track with one topic of discussion. I hope it slows down soon. Fortunately, I do take medication to help calm the thoughts at night and I am able to get a full and rested night of sleep. Unfortunately, I am currently being drawn to sleep for hours on end – it’s not a desire to escape, it’s just a desire to sleep because it feels so good to sleep. So, am I in a mixed state (both mania and depression at the same time)? I don’t think so. I think maybe sleeping is the way I am able to get my mind to escape from the racing thoughts and endless energy. Maybe I think if I sleep enough the mania will go away. If I’m asleep I can’t be manic, right? Sleeping is typically a sign of depression. Not that I want to be depressed – I just want to be stable. Part of mania is not slowing down, being too productive, doing to much. If I’m sleeping I can’t do that.
I don’t know if this post makes sense or if I am jumping around too much, but either way, I hope this gives you a little insight into mental illness – insight you perhaps haven’t had before.
