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Entries Tagged as 'Utahrds'

Only in Utah

August 6th, 2008 · 31 Comments

I received a postcard from a friend last week that said, “I pretend you’re on a really long vacation…it is easier that way.” It made me cry a little, but I’m trying to keep the same mindset.

Here are a few awesome things, unique to Utah, that I’m putting in my Utah Vacation File…

My almost-two-year-old niece. She drew this super awesome picture of a “boogie” this week. Watching her grow blows my mind.

Old school bff, Stephanie; we’ve been friends for twenty years! I love her butt. How freaking cute are her kids?

Religious stickers at the grocery store. No explanation necessary.

Theatrical releases of Mormon movies. The Errand of Angels will be in theaters shortly. I don’t know much about it…other than it’s about sister missionaries and watching it would make me vomit. This doesn’t seem to bother people who’ve lived here for a long time, but I find it FUCKING WEIRD. All sorts of creepy religious movies and my motherfucking zombies are no where to be found? Total crap.

Freaky modest clothing shops for people who need longer sleeves and less legs. So much better than the alternative Ho’s in Training shops I’m used to in California.

My Grandma.

Cheap Holly Hobbie rip off stenciled public restrooms.

Religious statues, ripe for the molesting!

My parent’s cat…who has become my cat. My jewelry, pacifier, tampon thieving cat. He is so damn naughty.

Categories:friends, I miss sleeping, I want my fucking zombies, it's called sarcasm, jack jack, Uncategorized, Utahrds
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Thank Fucking God it’s Friday

July 25th, 2008 · 12 Comments

Yesterday was a Utah State holiday: Pioneer Day. Also known as the day that makes me throw up in my mouth.

Started the day off by going for a two hour hike with my sister and niece. Kicked my own ass! Managed to find a new bathing suit (TOTAL MIRACLE) and a cute new dress. Then went for a swim…which mainly consisted of wearing myself out by turning myself into a human raft for my almost-two-year-old niece. Didn’t eat enough food during the day and had a ROARING headache by the time we left the pool that lasted until this morning. Yuck.

Woke up, read some blogs, got SUPER pissed off when I realized that I had missed De La Soul performing at the free Twilight Concert Series last night…instead I took a handful of Advil, laid in bed wishing my massive headache away while wishing more headache on myself by watching a documentary show on PBS about the charlatan founder of the Mormon church.

Categories:I've had better mornings, I’ve lost that loving feeling, love my sister, Utahrds, Vomit
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LAME

June 25th, 2008 · No Comments

You can’t buy booze at grocery stores in Utah but you can buy enough fireworks to blow your head off if it’s near the 4th of July or Pioneer Day.

Categories:obviously crazy to leave the bay area, Utahrds
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Being Celibate Never Felt So Good

September 28th, 2007 · No Comments

Last night I went to a singles event with Sarah. I shaved my legs and Sarah washed her hair…for absolutely nothing.

I thought the highlight of our evening was eating Mexi-Fries® (tater tots) in the food court, until I stopped at the gas station on my way home.

While standing at the cash register, a man ran to the back of the store so fast he must have had a fire in his pants. The cashier hollered to him that there were no public restrooms. Fire pants guy grumpily asked where there was a nearby public restroom.

As I was pumping gas, fire pants guy picked up on me. Turns out I didn’t wash my legs for nothing. Kidding! Sarah thanked me for not hooking up with mister fire pants guy, as did my healthy vagina.

Categories:cobwebs in my privates?, hell is for single people, I have more batteries for my vibrators than Too $hort h, my milkshake brings all the hobos to the yard, Utahrds
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Roadtrip to Hell Utah

September 24th, 2007 · No Comments

*click for bigger*

Before leaving California I considered getting a myriad of tattoos declaring my love for California. Eventually I opted for a swallow over “Made in California.” I can’t wait to go back and see my adorable tattoo artist again!

I stopped at my uncle’s house on my way to Utah. I was interested to see a hole had been punched into the wall, where Utah appeared on the map.

About half way there I started having second thoughts about leaving my beloved California.

Highlight of the trip was stopping for Starbucks in an Elko, NV casino. Though I am a little concerned about Nevada, since they claim Elko is “The Heart of Nevada.” They might want to have that checked out.

My worries about moving to Utah were soothed when I saw the exit for Devil’s Gate. Phew. Thank goodness for Satanic pick-me-ups!

I took about twenty pictures of clouds. You’re welcome for only posting this shot.

My Turkish Evil Eye kept me safe from harm during my road trip…though living and driving in Utah is much more dangerous than driving across three states alone. I pray it will protect from all the mother fucking self-righteous terrible Utah drivers.

I knew I was getting close to “civilization” when I saw Metaphor: The Tree of Utah. A crazy Swedish artist created the 87 foot high sculpture to bring color and beauty to the stark whiteness of the Bonneville Salt Flats (surrounding the Great Salt Lake). I want some of what he had.

It started sprinkling as I arrived in Salt Lake City. The dark contrast of clouds made me realize something I’ve never been able to admit: Utah is beautiful. It’s not the rolling, green hills and Pacific Ocean that I miss so dearly, but it was a relief to see beauty on my way into town.

Now living with my parents as an adult is a completely different story and best saved for another day.

Categories:if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, Memory, obviously crazy to leave the bay area, Utahrds
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Pie is the New Vagina

September 2nd, 2007 · No Comments

Tonight on my way to Sarah’s house, I saw a billboard for a new (Utah) movie; Return With Honor. I did my best to choke back vomit and continued to my boozy destination.

Return With Honor made me consider Utahn’s terrible driving habits…something I have given much thought over the past three weeks. I believe Utahn’s (hello generalization) are prone to aggressive driving because they are so righteous that nothing could possibly harm them. * Just like the urban legend about so-and-so, who was in a terrible accident and had third degree burns covering his entire body; except for where he was protected by his secret underwear. **

That’s all.

*I believe Sister Mary Lisa mentioned this in my last post but I’ve been so out of my normal routine that I can’t be sure…plus I’m a wee bit too tipsy to check.

** Not really THIS bitter. I swear to Satan it’s all a side effect of moving in with my parents at the age of thirty-one.

Categories:Childhood Cult, I found a job, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, obviously crazy to leave the bay area, Sarah has MAD coffee table wiener, Utahrds
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Utah

August 22nd, 2007 · No Comments

My road trip from California to Utah went well. I took some really exciting pictures that I will upload for a future post.

A few quick observations about Utah…

Utah drivers SUCK. The highways and roads are rampant with mad douchebaggery.

It’s been in the 80s in the evenings. I told my friend Lulu that walking upstairs late at night makes me feel like I’m suffocating. Lulu quickly pointed out that I more likely feel like I’m suffocating because I’m thirty-one and living with my parents.

My niece is so cute it makes my face hurt.

I talked to a cute guy on Saturday night at the roller derby who was married and originally from California. According to Sofi, that will be happening a lot.

Till soon,

Pants

Categories:Utahrds
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Pants, pants, PANTS!