My uncle came by today to say hello to the grandparents. He lives and works closer to grams than the rest of us but has only recently started making an effort to spend time with his mother and stepfather. I’m glad that he’s (FINALLY) started to pay attention to grams (because she loves it) but damn, being around him is painful.

Uncle has an inflection to his voice best described as “full of the spirit.” The way that he emphasizes words and takes a soft-spoken, yet authoritative, tone when talking about church stuff (which is pretty much all the time) makes me feel stabby.

Last month he brought by a Jesus-y Christmas book and related a church talk he gave that compared the grips Satan can take on one’s testimony of the gospel to the destruction of the Titanic. BARF-A-FUCKING-RAMA. He also made sure to warn the grandparents about a “Terribly un-American movie. You may have heard of it, it’s called Avatar.” (Cue hysterical laughter.)

During today’s visit I made sure to remain busy cleaning while he was in the house so I didn’t have to interact with him. I should have put in earplugs. First he started in with all this “let’s destroy all of nature in attempt to rape the earth of oil / environmentalists are evil” crap. I didn’t start to really lose it until an elderly neighbor stopped by. Grandma introduced uncle as her “geologist son” to the neighbor.

Neighbor: Geologist, huh? Can you tell me if we’re going to have an earthquake?
Uncle: I can’t tell you if we’re going to have an earthquake, unless you live in Cedar City, then I can tell you that there was an earthquake morning. The real danger you should watch out for is a large meteor hitting the earth.
Neighbor: Is that so? You can tell that with science?
Uncle: Not with science, but with something more concrete: THE BOOK OF REVELATIONS.

Then the uncle and neighbor took turns baring their testimonies of the truthfulness of the one and only restored gospel of Jesus Christ on the earth (aka, THE MORMONS). I did my best to stay away from sharp implements and get the fuck out of there before I lost my mind.

I have little notes of the terrible things I heard everyday. I felt like I was on some hidden camera show because honestly, I didn’t know anything could be THAT BAD. I knew I was in serious hell within the first hour when I overheard my supervisor say, “My eight-year-old daughter is never gunna have boobs. At least not until she finds a man to buy them for her.” (Commence vomiting.)

Thankfully, I’m done with that hideous company and moving on to something much more meaningful: helping care for my aging grandparents. For the last couple of months I have been cleaning their house for two hours per week. It was enough at first, but the last few months, weeks in particular, have been rough and my grandma isn’t able to do as much as she used to. I’ve been trying to cram a week’s worth of cleaning into two hours and it just hasn’t been working, so I was ecstatic when she asked if I’d like to increase my hours. I hope that being there will help her regain some of her strength and to feel comforted that she doesn’t need to worry so much. I really enjoy spending time with them and I am grateful to be able to help and feel lucky to spend more time with my grandma and grandpa.

There appears to be some potential change with the liquor laws that would end private clubs. To drink in a bar here you either have to pay a yearly membership fee, or be the guest of a member. Doesn’t seem that bad, huh? Well, it’s annoying as FUCK. I’m afraid the people running everything (the Mormons) have no idea that their stupid laws which are supposed to make drinking more difficult do NOTHING to reduce alcohol consumption. In fact, making everything so difficult only makes drinking MORE appealing. I never felt the need to own a flask until I moved to Utah.

This sentence from a Salt Lake Tribune article about these changes struck me knocked me the fuck over:

“Representatives of the House, the Senate, bar owners, restaurants, the governor’s office and the LDS Church hammered out the framework during intense closed-door negotiations this week.”

To see the LDS Church specifically mentioned in the article annoyed me to my very core. I realize the LDS Church influences EVERYTHING here, after all, this is their state. But to see it so plainly stated that they are working out legal details as representatives of a religion just seems wrong.

My favorite part of this annoying mess: changes to the liquor laws are happening as a result of a study in which 40 companies who relocated or expanded within Utah found “perceptions of Utah’s complicated liquor laws were an obstacle to economic development in the state.”

Money makes the world go round, eh?

I ran across this frightening treasure in a local thrift store. For those of you who aren’t aware of what “Family Home Evening” is, it’s time that you set aside on Monday night to spend with your family…usually a church lesson and some songs or games. It sounds like a nice idea, right? But maybe not EXACTLY as depicted in this little picture.

(Yes. It is too much to ask.)

I was sitting next to two nineteen-year-old boys talking about their mission calls…

“I go into the MTC (mission training center) one day after Obama goes into office.”

“You are a lucky man.”

“Yeah, I’m happy to be out of this country for two years while he’s in office.”

“No kidding. I pray I’ll be so lucky, to get a mission call out of country. I DO NOT TRUST THAT MAN.”

I would like to know what these fucking BABIES actually know about Obama, beyond what their parents and church leaders have frightened them with. It scares the shit out of me to be surrounded by a bunch of thoughtless lemmings.

Last night one of my classmates gave a presentation on death (which was relevant to class material – psychology through the years). I could tell the presenter worked very hard, but the tone in his voice made me cringe: it was the soft, spiritual tone that I am very familiar with; thanks to the 19 years of time I did in the cult that tries to pass as a religion.

He related an account of a friend whose father worked in the church educational system for his entire career; this man became close with many (modern day) prophets and apostles. When he was in the hospital dying from cancer, the prophet and apostles came to visit him. After one came to give him a blessing, he pulled the man’s adult daughter aside to comfort her. She asked the man of God why her father was dying of cancer. What did her kind-hearted father do to deserve this? He responded, “God has many ways of bringing his children home.”

Then I threw up all over my desk.

I fucking HATE that shit. No one likes going to funerals, no one wants to lose loved ones, but that is my least favorite things about funerals: the “he/she is in a better place” bullshit. FUCK THAT. Who’s to say they’re in a better place? I’d like for there to be something beyond this world, but who’s to fucking say if there is anything? Is this discussion appropriate in a public school?

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCK.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kdJ4oVnujbA&hl=en&fs=1]
I don’t remember where I found this, but everyone should watch it, especially every single person who supported Prop 8.

True joy is being able to find greeting cards, specific to “The one and only true church” (VOMIT) in your grocery store. I love picking up religious fucking greeting cards with my groceries. Who doesn’t need a good Priesthood/Superman card, or a true super hero (missionary) greeting? I would trade them all to be able to pick up a bottle of booze in the grocery store.

Moo?

During a walk through downtown SLC we ran across Safety Cow. It’s quite interesting (be it strange) to have a cow perched atop a streetlight. Too bad Utahrds could give a fuck about traffic laws. Why should they? They all have God on their side! A few minutes before this picture was taken a douchebag ACCELERATED at us, with 14 feet of cross walk left. The assclown was eating fast food when he literally cut us off. My boyfriend was talking to his mother (on his cell), and it took all of my self control to only yell, “NICE!” while giving the asshole double middle fingers. It’s a good thing I didn’t have anything in my hands because I would have launched it at him.

All natural COW PIES?! Are you fucking kidding me? I realize they’re trying to be funny (?) and I’m all for poop jokes, but is it really necessary to name your pie company after shit?! “Who wants fecal pie?! Nom, nom, NOM!”

After just one week I feel so much stronger! And I’m wearing a pair of jeans that haven’t graced my ass for quite some time. Granted, they’re damn bootylicious, but what’s a little cushion for the pushin’? (Not that I’d know, because I’m rocking Club Celibacy HELLA hard, yo. It just sounded like the right thing to say.)

The one thing that baffles me is the mountain biker uniform. Is there some sort of law requiring them to have shaved heads and big-ass goatees? Yesterday, we saw like eleventy-hundred of them. I’m not even exaggerating! We were surrounded by baldies with ginormous facial hair, running us off the trail. Not that I’m surprised a state that drives like utter and complete assholes (how Christian of them!) have bad manners on bikes; but how hard is it to say, “On your left?” instead of running over two girls with kid in tow? Seriously though, can anyone make sense of their uniform? Because I’m baffled.