Pants, pants, PANTS!

Remember the guy who told me he didn’t believe in love, via namelessdating website? After sharing his negative feelings about love he sent me another email saying though he hadn’t been dating for very long, he decided to take his profile down because he was overwhelmed with all the bullshit that goes along with it, he was sad we didn’t get to meet, and wished me well. Being the sort of girl who believes in the golden rule and all that shit, I sent him a polite, brief email wishing him well in return.

Four days later I received the following email, title “Love” (on Saturday night at 5:50PM).

I put my profile back up. I don’t know why. I guess I’m board. I wanted you to be the first to know. It’s a rainy night, so why don’t you come over and watch a movie with me. Give me a call and tell me what you think.

Pump your brakes, crazy non-love believing, potential serial killer/stalker!

1. I believe you meant “bored.” Either way, I am 100% flattered you chose me as a solution to your boring lifestyle!
2. You want me to be the first lucky woman to know you’re back on the market? Hoo-fucking-ray! I just hit the future broken-hearted jack pot! YES!
3. The four day flip flop definitely bodes well for dating potential. Who doesn’t love a guy who can’t make up his goddamned mind? (I certainly do!)
4. We have not met in person and you invite me to your fucking house under the guise of watching a movie? What has changed for you in the past four days? Are the remains of your previous skin suit cleaned and put away?
5. And Saturday night? Give me a fucking break.

(The title of this post is completely unrelated to the intelligent, funny and adorable Mister Friday Night.)

My friend Margot sent me this text message…

I had a dream about you last night! You were on Regis and Kelly and then on Ellen to talk about your blog, but changed your last name so people wouldn’t stalk you. All the lesbians loved you. Weird.

I loved this! Sort of made me wish it were my dream.

This week’s dating marathon went well. I scaled down the original 6 to 3. It is hard work being a dating machine, yo! My dad and I good laugh over it because back in the day, he was a dating machine, too.

The first two dates were pleasant. Good conversation, nice people, but no connection. The third date was fucking fantastic! It was very nice to end the week with someone who is intelligent, funny and adorable.

Tonight I have a girl date with two of my favorite sisters! And tomorrow I’m going to a friend’s house to check out pictures from his trip to Europe. Pretty fanfuckingtastic weekend. Yippee!

I don’t usually get political on here…but this was too good not to share.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jltqTRmiVjg&hl=en&fs=1]

Happy Friday y’all!

1. For the past week I forgot (that I needed) to buy coffee, until just before I fell asleep. I finally remembered last night and this morning I almost felt human. Almost.
2. After discussing dating with a friend last week, I signed up (again) for some more internet dating punishment fun.
3. The next time a guy tells me has a small penis on a first date I’m going to make him prove it.
4. I’m talking to a guy (not Mr. Small Penis) who shares the same name as two of my BFF’s husbands. Weird.
5. Is it just me, or is every guy who internet dates in marketing or engineering?
6. Today I leave for OC to visit my old friend Zanny. WEEE!
7. I am incredibly excited to spend time at the ocean. This landlocked business is weird shit, yo.
8. Is it bad that I named a loser in a creative writing assignment after an ex-boyfriend?
9. Calling Delta customer service phone number is so frustrating it makes me want to punch a baby.
10. I would like to give a big, warm hug to the people who reached my blog with the following search phrases: bm means shit, cry in my performance evaluation, just vagina, and fucking story of old maid.
11. The Beastie Boys “Professor Booty” still owns, sixteen years later. Holy fuck, SIXTEEN YEARS?! That makes me feel a little old.

This morning I stopped by a drive through coffee shop. As I pulled into the shopping center a guy in a Daewoo sped through the parking lot and cut me off to reach the drive through first. WHATEVER. I was too tired to get very annoyed about it. Especially because he ended up being (disturbingly) entertaining. And I enjoyed looking at his humongous knock off Dolce and Gabbana knock off sunglasses; they were smashing with his fancy car!

Mr. Daewoo was so important he couldn’t get off his cell phone to order his drink. ANNOYING! The girl taking his order had to ask him to repeat himself THREE times. Poor girl probably thought she heard him wrong when he ordered a 20 ounce, iced, skinny cafe mocha with five shots of espresso. FIVE SHOTS of espresso in a 20 ounce, iced drink? That’s about one tablespoon of chocolate milk with an entire cup of espresso. Good morning nasty!

Though not as gross as what he did for the next five minutes: PICK HIS FUCKING NOSE. And it wasn’t like he was went in for one little annoyance, this dude went to fucking town.

Did I really just write an entire post about a stranger picking his nose? Yup. Carry on.

My friend Lyle celebrated his birthday this weekend and had the most fabulous costume party theme ever: FLDS!

Seriously. How fucking cute is he?

I enjoyed beer with my sister wife.

Looked to heaven with another pregnant sister wife.

I COVET her bangs. (Please don’t tell the prophet on me.)

Watched the conga line from afar…

…because I had a sleeping baby in my lap. HA. Don’t be so jealous of my red stretch pants and flowery dress, K?

My baby doll was such a big hit that people were LITERALLY fighting over her.

I couldn’t walk anywhere without folks cooing over how cute she was and shit. Begging to hold her.

I don’t understand this either, but I fucking love it.

Who says sister wives can’t be sexy too, HUH?!

Brother John brought pictures of his wives that were unable to attend. He even brought a bar-on-the-go in his scripture case, complete with mixers! We come prepared y’all.

Lyle (my polygamist husband) is fabulous times infinity.

We were sad when the night came to an end.

Although this couple seemed pretty happy. They didn’t even mind a slew of digital camera flashes.

All in all, it was a good night. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.