Pants, pants, PANTS!

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Randomness and Dating Fun

October 4th, 2008 · 9 Comments

My friend Margot sent me this text message…

I had a dream about you last night! You were on Regis and Kelly and then on Ellen to talk about your blog, but changed your last name so people wouldn’t stalk you. All the lesbians loved you. Weird.

I loved this! Sort of made me wish it were my dream.

This week’s dating marathon went well. I scaled down the original 6 to 3. It is hard work being a dating machine, yo! My dad and I good laugh over it because back in the day, he was a dating machine, too.

The first two dates were pleasant. Good conversation, nice people, but no connection. The third date was fucking fantastic! It was very nice to end the week with someone who is intelligent, funny and adorable.

Tonight I have a girl date with two of my favorite sisters! And tomorrow I’m going to a friend’s house to check out pictures from his trip to Europe. Pretty fanfuckingtastic weekend. Yippee!

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Hey Sarah Palin

October 3rd, 2008 · 8 Comments

I don’t usually get political on here…but this was too good not to share.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jltqTRmiVjg&hl=en&fs=1]

Happy Friday y’all!

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Travel Observations/Questions

September 28th, 2008 · 14 Comments

  1. Why does flying make me sofucking tired?
  2. If you run around the (airport) terminal muttering, “Who do I have to fucking blow to get a Diet Coke around here?” Men will stare at you, longingly.
  3. If you start crying in an airport terminal everyone will stare at you.
  4. Never again will I neglect to choose my seat in advance. I sat directly next to the toilet, both flights. I had to restrain myself from planting a kiss punching the douchebag in the baby maker who left the folding bathroom door OPEN after taking a dump. So much for packing a snack?.
  5. I had an incredible time with my friends, though it’s NEVER long enough. I REALLY missed my Neil. He has the most adorable little chicken. (And NO, chicken is not a euphemism for penis, perverts!) Please cross your fingers Neil has to come to Utah on business soon – since that appears to be the only way to trick get friends to visit Utah.
  6. Neil seemed to be leading the club of friends who think I need to write a book about my family (among other things). Is it really that unusual to have a relative fake their own death? (HEE!)
  7. For once in my life, could the man resting his elbow on muffin top for the entire flight be young and attractive, or at least not suffer wretched halitosis?
  8. Last night, after spending the evening with my friends at their beautiful wedding reception, I cried like a baby on the walk to my rental car. And I’m not even having my period! I just really love being home.
  9. Though there are many things I don’t like about Utah, I couldn’t imagine leaving my two-year-old niece. I feel truly lucky to be a part of her everyday life. I know her far better than I would if I lived in another state. I love that she woke up after she and my sister dropped me off at the airport and squawked for my Ditty Bops CD. Then made my sister replay it over and over before she said my name, “Miss her” and sighed dramatically. It’s even pretty cute when she hushes me for talking during Shrek, until she reaches her boiling point, holds one finger up and shrieks, “AHH-NOYING!”
  10. My heart is mixed up. It’s confusing to long for home when home means two different places.
  11. I met my cousin’s 5 month old baby for the first time. He’s a doll. All I wanted to do was squeeze all of his chins and make him giggle.
  12. I also met my dear friend Lulu’s baby boy. In case you’re wondering what it’s like to hold a 3 week old baby, it’s HEAVEN. What a sweet little peanut. I loved every second that he snuggled up against me, taking a nap, while we sat and visited.
  13. It might be less depressing to leave the bay area without listening to Beck’s “Sea Change” but I can’t fucking help it.
  14. I might be less homesick if I could focus on the 6 men I have go-sees (coffee dates) with this week. I hope this means I’m about to get my slut back on! Enough of this club celibacy bullshit, already.

Categories:friends, list, obviously crazy to leave the bay area, Uncategorized
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Fuck Monday

September 22nd, 2008 · 25 Comments

  1. I bombed my bio test. Boo.
  2. Daytrotter is an awesome website to discover new Indie music. Especially if you lost your entire iTunes library when your hard drive went boom.
  3. Really bummed about that stupid bio test. May reward myself for not crying about it with a milkshake.
  4. In internet dating news: I’m communicating with a few decent (seeming) men. Haven’t met anyone in person, nor has anyone declared their penis small. Quite an accomplishment!
  5. Decided to go ahead and make the trip to the bay area next weekend. Excited to see my family and friends…hopefully the rest of the week goes by smoother than it started.
  6. Last week I decided if Algebra were Star Wars my teacher would be a Jedi. Today I decided he’s a Sith Lord after spending 160 minutes solving twelve systems of equations. I regularly leave class with LESS knowledge than I began. FUCK.
  7. I mentioned in a post last week that I named an asshole in a creative writing story after an ex-boyfriend. The next assignment from my teacher requires I keep that asshole in the story and award him full custody of an infant. Which is great, because I made him a DRUG DEALER. Can’t decide if I should write him out of the story with a shooting, overdose, arrest involving drugs, an arrest involving drugs and CPS, or all of the above. You might think I’m taking a class on writing Lifetime TV mini-series…and you would be right! It’s the only class I’m acing right now. So hooray for soap operas.
  8. The other day I watched a guy tell a woman how beautiful she was, as he walked by. So distracted by her beauty, he didn’t pay attention to where he was walking and he walked straight into a pillar. Fucking awesome.
  9. I got so mad at a shitty-ass teenage driver on Saturday night when she (unsuccessfully) tried to pass me and got stuck next to me (after tailing me sofuckingclose I couldn’t even see her headlights for 10 minutes), that I yelled “You drive like a spoiled piece of shit!” When her passenger started to yell back, I told her she was a “Fucking cunt.” Which marks my official transformation into a crazy old lady who will yell at kids to get off my mother fucking lawn. And I have the T-shirt to prove it. Interesting, I was wearing it during the road rage screaming match.
  10. Time to go get that milkshake.

Categories:Assholes, confession, fucking paradise, getting my learn on, I miss sleeping, I've had better mornings, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, list, Uncategorized
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Fuck, Fuck, Fuck

September 16th, 2008 · 21 Comments

The hard drive on my MacBook blew up and none of my data is recoverable. Hearing the news made me want to cry. Then I realized it’s not that fucked. Unless you count the weeks of notes I lost for this week’s biology test.

I had a great time in California but I feel little guilty about one thing: I missed Utah. I know – it’s the weirdest shit ever! Had a great time with my friends and family, loved being time at the beach, appreciated going into a bar without dealing with all that lame membership bullshit…but I found myself missing Utah. Never thought I’d think that, let alone share it! A friend likened it to missing a loser boyfriend: you know he’s a douche and yet you miss him. Stupid Utah, confusing my heart!

Categories:confession, I've had better mornings, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, Lame, mac, OH MY HORRORS, Uncategorized
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List-a-rama

September 11th, 2008 · 23 Comments

  1. For the past week I forgot (that I needed) to buy coffee, until just before I fell asleep. I finally remembered last night and this morning I almost felt human. Almost.
  2. After discussing dating with a friend last week, I signed up (again) for some more internet dating punishment fun.
  3. The next time a guy tells me has a small penis on a first date I’m going to make him prove it.
  4. I’m talking to a guy (not Mr. Small Penis) who shares the same name as two of my BFF’s husbands. Weird.
  5. Is it just me, or is every guy who internet dates in marketing or engineering?
  6. Today I leave for OC to visit my old friend Zanny. WEEE!
  7. I am incredibly excited to spend time at the ocean. This landlocked business is weird shit, yo.
  8. Is it bad that I named a loser in a creative writing assignment after an ex-boyfriend?
  9. Calling Delta customer service phone number is so frustrating it makes me want to punch a baby.
  10. I would like to give a big, warm hug to the people who reached my blog with the following search phrases: bm means shit, cry in my performance evaluation, just vagina, and fucking story of old maid.
  11. The Beastie Boys “Professor Booty” still owns, sixteen years later. Holy fuck, SIXTEEN YEARS?! That makes me feel a little old.

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Iced Skinny Latte, Extra Vomit

September 8th, 2008 · 20 Comments

This morning I stopped by a drive through coffee shop. As I pulled into the shopping center a guy in a Daewoo sped through the parking lot and cut me off to reach the drive through first. WHATEVER. I was too tired to get very annoyed about it. Especially because he ended up being (disturbingly) entertaining. And I enjoyed looking at his humongous knock off Dolce and Gabbana knock off sunglasses; they were smashing with his fancy car!

Mr. Daewoo was so important he couldn’t get off his cell phone to order his drink. ANNOYING! The girl taking his order had to ask him to repeat himself THREE times. Poor girl probably thought she heard him wrong when he ordered a 20 ounce, iced, skinny cafe mocha with five shots of espresso. FIVE SHOTS of espresso in a 20 ounce, iced drink? That’s about one tablespoon of chocolate milk with an entire cup of espresso. Good morning nasty!

Though not as gross as what he did for the next five minutes: PICK HIS FUCKING NOSE. And it wasn’t like he was went in for one little annoyance, this dude went to fucking town.

Did I really just write an entire post about a stranger picking his nose? Yup. Carry on.

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Brother Lyle

September 7th, 2008 · 32 Comments

My friend Lyle celebrated his birthday this weekend and had the most fabulous costume party theme ever: FLDS!

FLDS Birthday Bash

Seriously. How fucking cute is he?

FLDS Birthday Bash

I enjoyed beer with my sister wife.

FLDS Birthday Bash

Looked to heaven with another pregnant sister wife.

FLDS Birthday Bash

I COVET her bangs. (Please don’t tell the prophet on me.)

FLDS Birthday Bash

Watched the conga line from afar…

FLDS Birthday Bash

…because I had a sleeping baby in my lap. HA. Don’t be so jealous of my red stretch pants and flowery dress, K?

FLDS Birthday Bash

My baby doll was such a big hit that people were LITERALLY fighting over her.

FLDS Birthday Bash

I couldn’t walk anywhere without folks cooing over how cute she was and shit. Begging to hold her.

FLDS Birthday Bash

I don’t understand this either, but I fucking love it.

FLDS Birthday Bash

Who says sister wives can’t be sexy too, HUH?!

FLDS Birthday Bash

Brother John brought pictures of his wives that were unable to attend. He even brought a bar-on-the-go in his scripture case, complete with mixers! We come prepared y’all.

FLDS Birthday Bash

Lyle (my polygamist husband) is fabulous times infinity.

FLDS Birthday Bash

We were sad when the night came to an end.

FLDS Birthday Bash

Although this couple seemed pretty happy. They didn’t even mind a slew of digital camera flashes.

FLDS Birthday Bash

All in all, it was a good night. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

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Looking Up

September 4th, 2008 · 11 Comments

Normally I like short weeks because, well, they’re short! But this week has been total hell. Three days of work and school felt like three hundred days. Luckily, things are looking up!

My meltdown began with this post, where I alluded to a whole bunch of bullshit…I am happy to report that the bullshit has worked its way out. A completely ridiculous situation with my bank has been fixed! Financial aid is ALMOST here!

Today I received a package in the mail. Who doesn’t like receiving fun, unexpected packages; especially when they don’t involve bills?! Sarah’s dog, Daisy the wonder pug, read my sad post about my inability to eat my feelings macaroni and cheese. Daisy sent me this super fucking fabulous spread of mac n’ cheese with an adorable little card.

“My mom says you are sad. Whenever I’m sad I eat and so should you. I miss your cuddle nest. We love you!
<3 Daisy”

Thanks for making my day, Daisy! My cuddle nest misses you too.

Categories:happy happy joy joy, holy yum-o, stuff I put in my mouth, Uncategorized
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Just another Manic Tuesday

September 2nd, 2008 · 18 Comments

  • It’s a good thing this week is short because I don’t think I could handle five days like today.
  • I would love to do something about my terribly misshapen haircut and disgusting roots but that requires money. BOO!
  • I still don’t know how I’m going to buy my last text book.
  • Burst into tears (thank god, ALONE, in my car) just before work.
  • I am a cotton headed ninny muggin.
  • I could eat an entire box of feelings macaroni and cheese right now. Good thing I’m broke so I can’t make that happen! Which is sad because I’m pretty sure mac n’ cheese is all of two cents.
  • Saved by a co-worker: I almost had to choose between a binder clip and two plastic knives (as chopsticks) to eat my spinach salad for lunch.
  • Went for a six hour hike with my dad on Saturday that covered a ridiculous amount of elevation. He chose the hike, but I got really worried about halfway through, when it was too late to do anything about climbing (and then down) the dry rock creek bed.
  • One drink after hiking for 6 hours will turn you crazy. Fun crazy, but crazy.
  • It’s a good thing I don’t have internet access from my cell, otherwise I’d probably have posted a personal ad to craigslist, penned by my vagina.
  • Chocolate fountains are fun.
  • Finding this t-shirt made my day. Not that I can buy it, but just knowing it’s there makes my day. The Onion rules.

Categories:getting my learn on, hell is for single people, I've had better mornings, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, I’ve lost that loving feeling, list, OH MY HORRORS, too bad I don't have mental health coverage, too busy, Uncategorized
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