Pants, pants, PANTS!

Three days later, I am happy to have officially survived both the death flu and the ending of my most recent, be it brief, relationship. I feel more upbeat, happy and generally OK than I thought I would. Oddly enough, I think I have the death flu to thank for this. One of my friends suggested that my violent stomach flu was actually my body purging myself of Him. I thought she was wrong but it turns she was right.

Today I ran across an old episode of This American Life that focused on breakups. I almost didn’t listen to it because I was afraid that if I did, I would realize that I’m not really as OK as I feel; that the sad-break-up-bunny would hop up behind me and smack me on the back of the head, a la Little Bunny Foo Foo.

Now that I’ve listened to it, I’m really glad I didn’t wimp out. This American Life confirmed what I thought might be happening; I am totally OK. (Whew!) Sure, I liked him. Sure, I’m disappointed. But what I have learned this time around, is that carefully and responsibly entering into a relationship makes surviving an ending a lot easier. I didn’t throw myself into him in the same way I have with others. Intimacy doesn’t equal verbal diarrhea of childhood traumas and previous hurts. Sure, there is a time and place for sharing our experience. Just because you’re with someone doesn’t mean you need to cut your heart open for them. At least not at first. Which is too bad for him; he didn’t even get to hear some of my really good family stories; like the time my uncle faked his death. Or when that uncle died (the second time – HA!), there was a large stink made about viewing the body. Oh yeah, that’s a goodie…and not even half of it.

During the first act of This American Life I cringed inside and braced for tears when they played a clip of The Magnetic Fields song “I Don’t Want to Get Over You.” Oh how I love that song and OH was I ever relieved not to break down in tears at the sound of Stephin Merritt’s holy-fucking-shit deep voice; the sadness that would have been!
<— (click this link to hear a clip)

Music can play such a dangerous role during the time following a breakup. It can be such trivial shit, too. For example, there was a time when I couldn’t hear that goddamned Cobra Starship song “Snakes on a Plane (Bring It).” I’m not even talking about the tears you would expect one to respond with (painful tears related to the horrific quality of the music and movie), it was the post breakup tears that come when feel like you might die without the love and affection of someone who is no longer in your life.

Then you wake up one day and hear that song and it makes you laugh. Or you accidentally run into that person in the grocery store and you realize how fucking foolish you were to have pined over them to begin with. So, here’s to meeting the guy who will not only appreciate me, but will know what to fucking do with my sassy ass once he has me! I know he’s out there, we just have to find each other.