I asked him, “Are you going to sing for me at our wedding?”
“At the ceremony or after we’re alone?”
“Either.”
“Will you still make me sandwiches?”

Later on…

“I’m registering us for all of the Rachel Ray cookware on Bed Bath & Beyond.”
“That’s grounds for annulment.”

(Yes. It is too much to ask.)

I was sitting next to two nineteen-year-old boys talking about their mission calls…

“I go into the MTC (mission training center) one day after Obama goes into office.”

“You are a lucky man.”

“Yeah, I’m happy to be out of this country for two years while he’s in office.”

“No kidding. I pray I’ll be so lucky, to get a mission call out of country. I DO NOT TRUST THAT MAN.”

I would like to know what these fucking BABIES actually know about Obama, beyond what their parents and church leaders have frightened them with. It scares the shit out of me to be surrounded by a bunch of thoughtless lemmings.

Last night one of my classmates gave a presentation on death (which was relevant to class material – psychology through the years). I could tell the presenter worked very hard, but the tone in his voice made me cringe: it was the soft, spiritual tone that I am very familiar with; thanks to the 19 years of time I did in the cult that tries to pass as a religion.

He related an account of a friend whose father worked in the church educational system for his entire career; this man became close with many (modern day) prophets and apostles. When he was in the hospital dying from cancer, the prophet and apostles came to visit him. After one came to give him a blessing, he pulled the man’s adult daughter aside to comfort her. She asked the man of God why her father was dying of cancer. What did her kind-hearted father do to deserve this? He responded, “God has many ways of bringing his children home.”

Then I threw up all over my desk.

I fucking HATE that shit. No one likes going to funerals, no one wants to lose loved ones, but that is my least favorite things about funerals: the “he/she is in a better place” bullshit. FUCK THAT. Who’s to say they’re in a better place? I’d like for there to be something beyond this world, but who’s to fucking say if there is anything? Is this discussion appropriate in a public school?

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCK.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kdJ4oVnujbA&hl=en&fs=1]
I don’t remember where I found this, but everyone should watch it, especially every single person who supported Prop 8.

“Hey everybody! Five dollars to smell my shoulder!”

God, I love the bowling alley.

Please continue yelling at me when I walk down the street. Women like nothing better than to hear the following, while minding their own business:

Shake it baby!
Ow!
Wooooo!
Beep beep!

If you guys keep it up I will be forced to rip my clothing off and start pleasuring myself in public.

Insincerley yours,

Pants

The wife asked, “Honey, do you like? I think this is really cute.”

The husband dickhead replied, “Maybe with five more. It’s just like we were talking about before. If you weren’t so L-A-Z-Y with your E-A-T-I-N-G, it would fit.”

I quietly said, “Un-fucking-believable. What an asshole.”

I wish I had loudly said, “Spelling L-A-Z-Y might save your K-I-D-S from realizing what a P-R-I-C-K you are but it does nothing for the rest of us.”