My uncle came by today to say hello to the grandparents. He lives and works closer to grams than the rest of us but has only recently started making an effort to spend time with his mother and stepfather. I’m glad that he’s (FINALLY) started to pay attention to grams (because she loves it) but damn, being around him is painful.

Uncle has an inflection to his voice best described as “full of the spirit.” The way that he emphasizes words and takes a soft-spoken, yet authoritative, tone when talking about church stuff (which is pretty much all the time) makes me feel stabby.

Last month he brought by a Jesus-y Christmas book and related a church talk he gave that compared the grips Satan can take on one’s testimony of the gospel to the destruction of the Titanic. BARF-A-FUCKING-RAMA. He also made sure to warn the grandparents about a “Terribly un-American movie. You may have heard of it, it’s called Avatar.” (Cue hysterical laughter.)

During today’s visit I made sure to remain busy cleaning while he was in the house so I didn’t have to interact with him. I should have put in earplugs. First he started in with all this “let’s destroy all of nature in attempt to rape the earth of oil / environmentalists are evil” crap. I didn’t start to really lose it until an elderly neighbor stopped by. Grandma introduced uncle as her “geologist son” to the neighbor.

Neighbor: Geologist, huh? Can you tell me if we’re going to have an earthquake?
Uncle: I can’t tell you if we’re going to have an earthquake, unless you live in Cedar City, then I can tell you that there was an earthquake morning. The real danger you should watch out for is a large meteor hitting the earth.
Neighbor: Is that so? You can tell that with science?
Uncle: Not with science, but with something more concrete: THE BOOK OF REVELATIONS.

Then the uncle and neighbor took turns baring their testimonies of the truthfulness of the one and only restored gospel of Jesus Christ on the earth (aka, THE MORMONS). I did my best to stay away from sharp implements and get the fuck out of there before I lost my mind.

Over the weekend I had a dream that Mike and I were at a Schlitterbahn Waterpark. (Random? Yes.) We were at the top of a large waterslide when I started going into labor: it was very unnerving, especially when the teenage lifeguard delivered the baby. In my dream the baby was born safe and healthy. The next part of the dream was me at home with the baby and I couldn’t seem to hold the baby correctly. I would be walking around with my infant in my arms and it would slip out. This happened a few times and when I would not be able to hold the baby safely it would gently fall onto a bed or sofa. Even though it was all a dream, I woke up feeling a serious sense of failure because I couldn’t even hold my own baby without dropping it…which was bizarre to feel when I was awake since I don’t have a baby.

Today I saw a car with TWO “Baby on Board” signs. I have always found Baby on Board signs pretentious and annoying because if they didn’t have their stupid sign up warning me to be careful around their car, I would totally demolish it with my shitty driving skills. WTF? I noticed the driver (mother) was smoking a cigarette with a little baby girl in the backseat (I only knew because pink threw up all over that backseat) and an elementary school aged boy in the front seat. I wish I didn’t get so upset, but I hate seeing people abuse their kids. It seemed especially horrible since she posted fucking Baby on Board signs all over her back window and bumper. I wanted to jump out of my car at a stoplight and save those kids because she obviously doesn’t deserve them.

It’s been a while since my mother entered the world of Facebook. I knew she was using (HA, HA) because she kept mentioning it in when I was around without specifically asking me why we weren’t friends because that’s how my family rolls: dysfunctional!

After months of ignoring passive aggressive Facebook chatter, this morning I received a friend request from my dad. He and I have always had a different relationship than my mother and I and it took me about two seconds before deciding to accept his request. I feel a little bad. This isn’t exactly news since I make feeling bad a hobby. HELL, I’m a damned professional! I don’t know if it is from my religious upbringing or my middle-child-ness, but if I were a super hero my power would likely be GUILT.

So now I feel like I should go through my Facebook crap and clean things out so as not to offend my parents, which is how I rationalized not being connected to them on there before, but I don’t want to have to watch who I am or pretend I’m something I’m not. I’m the foul-mouthed middle child who posts suggestive pictures of myself with Brigham Young statues or makes vomit hand signals while holding a Holy Temple book in the middle of the LDS section of the local bookstore. I also rant and rave about weirdness and living in Utah gives me PLENTY to rant about.

How many of you are connected to your parents on social networking websites? Am I the only one experiencing parental anxiety? HELP!

There appears to be some potential change with the liquor laws that would end private clubs. To drink in a bar here you either have to pay a yearly membership fee, or be the guest of a member. Doesn’t seem that bad, huh? Well, it’s annoying as FUCK. I’m afraid the people running everything (the Mormons) have no idea that their stupid laws which are supposed to make drinking more difficult do NOTHING to reduce alcohol consumption. In fact, making everything so difficult only makes drinking MORE appealing. I never felt the need to own a flask until I moved to Utah.

This sentence from a Salt Lake Tribune article about these changes struck me knocked me the fuck over:

“Representatives of the House, the Senate, bar owners, restaurants, the governor’s office and the LDS Church hammered out the framework during intense closed-door negotiations this week.”

To see the LDS Church specifically mentioned in the article annoyed me to my very core. I realize the LDS Church influences EVERYTHING here, after all, this is their state. But to see it so plainly stated that they are working out legal details as representatives of a religion just seems wrong.

My favorite part of this annoying mess: changes to the liquor laws are happening as a result of a study in which 40 companies who relocated or expanded within Utah found “perceptions of Utah’s complicated liquor laws were an obstacle to economic development in the state.”

Money makes the world go round, eh?

Luckily, his supremely filthy roommate moved out. He moved in with his girlfriend. I almost feel sorry for her, but she had seen his room on many occasions and knew what she’s getting into: SUPREME NASTINESS. We were shocked and amazed when he was out by the end of the month, as promised.

These pictures were taken after he had moved HALF of his shit out. I have never seen this anything of this nasty magnitude; these pictures don’t even do the squalor justice. I mean, who not only never cleans, but just continues to add junk? And for TWO YEARS?! When he was asked to tidy up enough to room so the balcony (in his room) could be accessed, it took him an entire month to make a pathway through the filth. But now the room is empty, had a shit-ton of sage burned, vacuumed, and ready to scream the wet vacuum’s name. Thank fucking god.

(Yes. It is too much to ask.)

I was sitting next to two nineteen-year-old boys talking about their mission calls…

“I go into the MTC (mission training center) one day after Obama goes into office.”

“You are a lucky man.”

“Yeah, I’m happy to be out of this country for two years while he’s in office.”

“No kidding. I pray I’ll be so lucky, to get a mission call out of country. I DO NOT TRUST THAT MAN.”

I would like to know what these fucking BABIES actually know about Obama, beyond what their parents and church leaders have frightened them with. It scares the shit out of me to be surrounded by a bunch of thoughtless lemmings.

Last night one of my classmates gave a presentation on death (which was relevant to class material – psychology through the years). I could tell the presenter worked very hard, but the tone in his voice made me cringe: it was the soft, spiritual tone that I am very familiar with; thanks to the 19 years of time I did in the cult that tries to pass as a religion.

He related an account of a friend whose father worked in the church educational system for his entire career; this man became close with many (modern day) prophets and apostles. When he was in the hospital dying from cancer, the prophet and apostles came to visit him. After one came to give him a blessing, he pulled the man’s adult daughter aside to comfort her. She asked the man of God why her father was dying of cancer. What did her kind-hearted father do to deserve this? He responded, “God has many ways of bringing his children home.”

Then I threw up all over my desk.

I fucking HATE that shit. No one likes going to funerals, no one wants to lose loved ones, but that is my least favorite things about funerals: the “he/she is in a better place” bullshit. FUCK THAT. Who’s to say they’re in a better place? I’d like for there to be something beyond this world, but who’s to fucking say if there is anything? Is this discussion appropriate in a public school?

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCK.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kdJ4oVnujbA&hl=en&fs=1]
I don’t remember where I found this, but everyone should watch it, especially every single person who supported Prop 8.

True joy is being able to find greeting cards, specific to “The one and only true church” (VOMIT) in your grocery store. I love picking up religious fucking greeting cards with my groceries. Who doesn’t need a good Priesthood/Superman card, or a true super hero (missionary) greeting? I would trade them all to be able to pick up a bottle of booze in the grocery store.

Moo?

During a walk through downtown SLC we ran across Safety Cow. It’s quite interesting (be it strange) to have a cow perched atop a streetlight. Too bad Utahrds could give a fuck about traffic laws. Why should they? They all have God on their side! A few minutes before this picture was taken a douchebag ACCELERATED at us, with 14 feet of cross walk left. The assclown was eating fast food when he literally cut us off. My boyfriend was talking to his mother (on his cell), and it took all of my self control to only yell, “NICE!” while giving the asshole double middle fingers. It’s a good thing I didn’t have anything in my hands because I would have launched it at him.

All natural COW PIES?! Are you fucking kidding me? I realize they’re trying to be funny (?) and I’m all for poop jokes, but is it really necessary to name your pie company after shit?! “Who wants fecal pie?! Nom, nom, NOM!”

Yesterday I received this email, by way of nameless dating service, from a 59 year old man:

“Have you ever considered going out with an older man?”

He also included a link to a personal website (which I am not posting to protect the innocent guilty save my own ass).

On this oh-so-lovely webpage, there was a picture of the gentleman (Exhibit A) and A LOT of poetry. I immediately thought of Nick Nolte’s mugshot (Exhibit B). Though I think Stefanie deserves an award for recognizing similarities with The Dude (Big Lebowski, Exhibit C). Don’t believe me? See for yourself.

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Exhibit C.

Rather than post a gajillion pieces of poetry, I will share two of my favorite snippets.

she was deeply cut
bled out
it took a long time to heal
pity

WOW. Cut deeply? Bled out? Bring on the skin suit! Let us get to a remote location ASAP.

I would bring you gifts of flowers
to make a garland for your hair

I suppose that would be preferable to boyfriends who forget my birthday or “don’t believe” in Valentine’s Day.

What is the best part about his webpage, you ask? Embedded Celtic music!

I sent this all of this to my sister, who frantically called to ask what on earth was going on. I explained he’s an older man who contacted me on namelessdatingwebsite. Then I said maybe I should consider responding and meeting up with him. He’s the same age as our parents, so that would (obviously) be great; they would have so much in common! Plus, there’s the sweet music and gentle poetry. When I told her that I thought his ears would smell fantastic and I couldn’t wait to have like 100 of his babies, my sister drew the line: “Don’t you EVER say that again. It’s so gross you just made my uterus throw up.”

I had a great time in California but I feel little guilty about one thing: I missed Utah. I know – it’s the weirdest shit ever! Had a great time with my friends and family, loved being time at the beach, appreciated going into a bar without dealing with all that lame membership bullshit…but I found myself missing Utah. Never thought I’d think that, let alone share it! A friend likened it to missing a loser boyfriend: you know he’s a douche and yet you miss him. Stupid Utah, confusing my heart!