Pants, pants, PANTS!

It’s snowing again. Snow is pretty when it’s falling and fresh on the ground and when you don’t have to leave the house…but old, dirty ass, brown snow, piled up in parking lots and overtaking everything you see? Not so much. Someone recently told me the best thing about living here is complaining rights. I am ready for winter to be over so I can hate the next season.

In an effort to help me through my Wednesday-Case-of-the-Mondays, a co-worker just shared this with me. How did I not know about Jim Gaffigan? So good I almost need a fresh pair of pants.

Who wants to warm up my toilet seat for me?

Sister
“She’s wishing we still had an imbelical cord.” Holding daughter on hip as she walks toward me.

Me
“Are you trying to get back into your mommy’s vagina?”

Mom, aka grandma
Loudly yells my name, followed by, “We do not say that word!”

Me
“MOTHER, vagina is a clinical word.”

Mom
“We don’t say it disrespectfully.”

Me
“Hi Mom, you might remember me, I’m your middle daughter, _____. I’m mouthy and like to use the word vagina.”

Mom
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be bossy.”

Me
“That’s OK. You are my mom.”

Mom
“Yes, but…”

Me
“From what I hear you’re going to be my mom forever. Nothing really changes that.”

Mom
*giggles*

Me
“If you prefer, I could use another word. There are lots of words for vagina.”

Mom
“Like cunt?”

Less than nine hours until I arrive in California!

To Do
Spend time with family and friends
Introduce my sister and niece to my Swedish Mother
H&M
Sephora
beach
Consume copious amounts of booze in bars without weird liquor laws
Survive a sleep over with twelve-year-olds on Saturday night
Trader Joe’s
In-n-Out
sleep

Do Not
Get arrested for humping fixtures in H&M or Sephora

Two things I NEVER want to happen again:

1. See my father pick up this DVD in Blockbuster and wonder aloud, ala Rainman, “Dirty Sanchez. Hmm. Dirty Sanchez? Dir-ty Sanchez, Dirrr-ty Sannnchez. Huh…”

2. Have my father get into my passenger seat while listening to the David Sedaris recording of “Rooster at the Hitchin’ Post.” I personally have nothing against David Sedaris’ brother’s comparison of running a business with a blow job. I just prefer never to hear, “Put that dick in your mouth and roll it around a little” while my father’s presence.