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Entries Tagged as 'obviously crazy to leave the bay area'

Oh Lordie

December 4th, 2008 · 22 Comments

Twice in the past week I’ve thrown up all over myself at school. I realize that I live in a state owned by the Mormons, but for the loveoffuckinggod, is it too much to ask that they keep their fucking religion away from my education?

(Yes. It is too much to ask.)

I was sitting next to two nineteen-year-old boys talking about their mission calls…

“I go into the MTC (mission training center) one day after Obama goes into office.”

“You are a lucky man.”

“Yeah, I’m happy to be out of this country for two years while he’s in office.”

“No kidding. I pray I’ll be so lucky, to get a mission call out of country. I DO NOT TRUST THAT MAN.”

I would like to know what these fucking BABIES actually know about Obama, beyond what their parents and church leaders have frightened them with. It scares the shit out of me to be surrounded by a bunch of thoughtless lemmings.

Last night one of my classmates gave a presentation on death (which was relevant to class material – psychology through the years). I could tell the presenter worked very hard, but the tone in his voice made me cringe: it was the soft, spiritual tone that I am very familiar with; thanks to the 19 years of time I did in the cult that tries to pass as a religion.

He related an account of a friend whose father worked in the church educational system for his entire career; this man became close with many (modern day) prophets and apostles. When he was in the hospital dying from cancer, the prophet and apostles came to visit him. After one came to give him a blessing, he pulled the man’s adult daughter aside to comfort her. She asked the man of God why her father was dying of cancer. What did her kind-hearted father do to deserve this? He responded, “God has many ways of bringing his children home.”

Then I threw up all over my desk.

I fucking HATE that shit. No one likes going to funerals, no one wants to lose loved ones, but that is my least favorite things about funerals: the “he/she is in a better place” bullshit. FUCK THAT. Who’s to say they’re in a better place? I’d like for there to be something beyond this world, but who’s to fucking say if there is anything? Is this discussion appropriate in a public school?

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCK.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kdJ4oVnujbA&hl=en&fs=1]
I don’t remember where I found this, but everyone should watch it, especially every single person who supported Prop 8.

Categories:Childhood Cult, getting my learn on, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, lemmings, obviously crazy to leave the bay area, OH MY HORRORS, Overheard, Uncategorized, Utahrds, weeeeeee
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I Need More Cats

October 14th, 2008 · 25 Comments

I am sick to fucking death of dating. Not that I’ll be stopping anytime soon, because I was raised in a (loving) dysfunctional household and I don’t know when to say when.

A few months ago I had an interesting conversation with my dad about dating. (Weird, I know.) He said the shitty part about internet dating is that you don’t have a “real” connection with the people you are meeting*. Well, except that you both pay to meet people on the internet. All you can do is cross your fingers people are genuine because you aren’t going to see them again through mutual friends, or run into them at some shared activity. There is no accountability. Don’t want to talk to someone anymore? Pretend they don’t exist. The end! I’m guilty of this, as well. Sometimes it seems silence is more kind…which leaves me wondering: what the fuck happened to make (insert name of anyone interesting I’ve dated since moving to stupid fucking God’s Country) disappear? I feel like I have been doing a pretty good job of not being the crazy girl. My boundaries have improved. I’m not fucking each dude within the first 20 minutes (I’m all way up to 40 minutes of conversation before sex in the Starbucks bathroom). And I wait at least 5 minutes AFTER sex before I profess my love for him, tell him I want to have a million of his babies, and that I can’t wait for him to meet my cat.

Communicating with men via dating websites the appropriate amount of time, graduating to personal email or phone, then eventually in person is exhausting. Especially when you meet and you immediately know it’s not gonna happen. Whether it’s because he’s educated to fucking infinity but has yet to discover the joys of deodorant, freaking you the fuck out by attempting to destroy all the boundaries you’ve set (HELLO! Red flag d-bag!), or you’d rather tongue kiss your cat. All of which makes it more frustrating when seemingly decent men disappear.

Does anyone know who Random Carol is? ? I’ve been receiving referrals from her, but her blog is private.

And to the person who is coming here by way of a “what to ask to my future husband” Google search, you are in the wrong place. (I don’t know why I’m the second result either.) If you continue to return, I may be forced to write a list of things to ask the lucky fucker.

*I hate it when my dad is right.

Categories:boys are the dumb, Club Celibacy, cobwebs in my privates?, confession, emotional impotency is not hawt, fucking paradise, hell is for single people, it's called sarcasm, I’ve lost that loving feeling, my milkshake brings all the hobos to the yard, obviously crazy to leave the bay area, The Crazy
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Travel Observations/Questions

September 28th, 2008 · 14 Comments

  1. Why does flying make me sofucking tired?
  2. If you run around the (airport) terminal muttering, “Who do I have to fucking blow to get a Diet Coke around here?” Men will stare at you, longingly.
  3. If you start crying in an airport terminal everyone will stare at you.
  4. Never again will I neglect to choose my seat in advance. I sat directly next to the toilet, both flights. I had to restrain myself from planting a kiss punching the douchebag in the baby maker who left the folding bathroom door OPEN after taking a dump. So much for packing a snack?.
  5. I had an incredible time with my friends, though it’s NEVER long enough. I REALLY missed my Neil. He has the most adorable little chicken. (And NO, chicken is not a euphemism for penis, perverts!) Please cross your fingers Neil has to come to Utah on business soon – since that appears to be the only way to trick get friends to visit Utah.
  6. Neil seemed to be leading the club of friends who think I need to write a book about my family (among other things). Is it really that unusual to have a relative fake their own death? (HEE!)
  7. For once in my life, could the man resting his elbow on muffin top for the entire flight be young and attractive, or at least not suffer wretched halitosis?
  8. Last night, after spending the evening with my friends at their beautiful wedding reception, I cried like a baby on the walk to my rental car. And I’m not even having my period! I just really love being home.
  9. Though there are many things I don’t like about Utah, I couldn’t imagine leaving my two-year-old niece. I feel truly lucky to be a part of her everyday life. I know her far better than I would if I lived in another state. I love that she woke up after she and my sister dropped me off at the airport and squawked for my Ditty Bops CD. Then made my sister replay it over and over before she said my name, “Miss her” and sighed dramatically. It’s even pretty cute when she hushes me for talking during Shrek, until she reaches her boiling point, holds one finger up and shrieks, “AHH-NOYING!”
  10. My heart is mixed up. It’s confusing to long for home when home means two different places.
  11. I met my cousin’s 5 month old baby for the first time. He’s a doll. All I wanted to do was squeeze all of his chins and make him giggle.
  12. I also met my dear friend Lulu’s baby boy. In case you’re wondering what it’s like to hold a 3 week old baby, it’s HEAVEN. What a sweet little peanut. I loved every second that he snuggled up against me, taking a nap, while we sat and visited.
  13. It might be less depressing to leave the bay area without listening to Beck’s “Sea Change” but I can’t fucking help it.
  14. I might be less homesick if I could focus on the 6 men I have go-sees (coffee dates) with this week. I hope this means I’m about to get my slut back on! Enough of this club celibacy bullshit, already.

Categories:friends, list, obviously crazy to leave the bay area, Uncategorized
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Performance Evaluation

August 12th, 2008 · 17 Comments

I have been feeling ridiculously good. I think it’s due to the exercise kick my sister and I started. (Can you say endorphin high?) To the point where for like ENTIRE 8 minute stretches I don’t even feel like cutting myself or huddling myself up in a corner to cry over realizations of family dysfunction! I walked more than 10 miles within two days! Moaned my way through downtown Salt Lake City with fellow zombie enthusiasts! Life IS within reach. I won’t be living here FOREVER. Only one year before I can apply to nursing school!

Then came Monday. FUCK MONDAY. Seriously.

Here’s hoping the rest of the week feels twenty-hundred times better than yesterday.

Categories:crossing my fingers, don't go away mad just go away, I've had better mornings, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, I’ve lost that loving feeling, obviously crazy to leave the bay area, too bad I don't have mental health coverage, where's my medicine?
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My Own Brand of Crazy

August 4th, 2008 · 19 Comments

Last night my mother made pie for dessert. For three people. I commented that we didn’t have dessert very often when I was a child, which opened the flood gates of denial and weirdness. Mom bossed me around for a few minutes and told me that we had dessert ALL THE TIME when I was a kid. I don’t know why this even matters, but it does. Maybe because I’m trying not to become a lard ass, but we only ate dessert on special occasions.

Insisting that my childhood was AS IT WAS, prompted my mother to harrumph, “I’m SO sorry you had such a deprived childhood.” At this point my dad and I rolled our eyes as she continued to name all of our old neighbors, who she was going to email to prove how wrong I was about dessert. Um, yeah, because all those people who were casual acquaintances, made only because of geographical ease? They will know exactly what happened in our house. For fucks sake! Half of our family doesn’t even know what happened inside of our house. Because we thrive on secrecy, denial and repression. Just like all families. Right?

I still can’t believe this all started because of pie. PIE!

The whole pie argument was very much like talking to my paternal grandmother, who remembers all six of her sons as total and complete angels. They never cried, fussed, snuck out of the house, were rebellious or acted in any sort of unbecoming manner. Especially not the drug addict or the sociopath. ANGELS! ALL OF THEM!

All this freaks me out because I don’t relish joining the land of dementia. Sure I like rainbows, unicorns and blue skies with white puffy clouds…but I also like reality. I like knowing that life is fucked up and hard sometimes. I like having conversations of substance, even thought they aren’t always pretty, and not just a forty-five minute description of a bloody Sunday drive.

I am totally not regretting my decision to live with my parents; neither are my future therapists or the voices in my head.

Categories:fucking paradise, happy happy joy joy, mid-thirties teenage angst, my dysfunctional family is better than yours, obviously crazy to leave the bay area
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LAME

June 25th, 2008 · No Comments

You can’t buy booze at grocery stores in Utah but you can buy enough fireworks to blow your head off if it’s near the 4th of July or Pioneer Day.


Categories:obviously crazy to leave the bay area, Utahrds
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Nom, Nom, Nom

June 12th, 2008 · No Comments

My gay boyfriend wanted to hang out tonight, but I had to pass because my big ol’ butt desperately needs to hit the gym. My mother booby traps the house with delicious treats. There are currently homemade cupcakes on the kitchen counter. Yesterday I ate three cupcakes. THREE! My sister suggested I try a new approach: take a bite of a cupcake so I can have a taste and then throw the rest of it away (careful not to offend our folks), while leaving whatever treat is around for my parents to enjoy. I’m not sure how that’s going to work yet…until then, it’s gym, GYM, GYM!

Do you live with people who set culinary booby traps? What do you do to avoid them? Anyone who spouts off bullshit like nothing tastes as good as thin feels will be cyber-kicked in the baby maker.

Categories:big ol' butt, mid-thirties teenage angst, obviously crazy to leave the bay area, Uncategorized
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Where’s My Mother Fucking American Zombie, SLC?!

May 8th, 2008 · No Comments

I’m doing my best to manage my anger with SLC theaters for not receiving American Zombie yet…

In the meantime, to distract myself from my zombie anger, I’m going to see Young@Heart.

Categories:I want my fucking zombies, obviously crazy to leave the bay area, zombies, zombies or bust
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Utah Snow is a Four Letter Word

April 16th, 2008 · No Comments

Dear Mother Nature,

This weather is bullshit. Yesterday’s drive home pissed me off. Please, please, PLEASE! Stop being such a fucking whore. I am ready to hate the next season Utah has to offer.

Love,

Me

Categories:fuck you mother nature, obviously crazy to leave the bay area
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It’s Gettin’ Hawt In Here

February 28th, 2008 · No Comments

I’ve decided to revive the ol’ Fully Klothed Thursday. Why? Because it’s fucking rad, that’s why. Plus I get to show off my mad snow shoveling skillz.

This lovely photo was taken a few weeks back. I stopped shoveling the driveway to give my mother a big thumbs down. I was less than happy that morning when I awoke to two feet of snow and didn’t start shoveling until I had thrown a proper tantrum. That shovel in the bottom left hand corner is my dad helping me clear the driveway, no doubt, because he was fearful I’d say something highly inappropriate in front of a neighbor on the sabbath. (Which I did – I don’t think they appreciated “fuck me Jesus” nearly as much as I did.)

Clothing count on my bad ass: 1. polar fleece cap 2. sunglasses 3. iPod (yes it counts, keeps my ears warm) 4. gloves 5. tank top 6. t-shirt 7. sweatshirt 8. sweat pants 9. pajama pants (yes, it was THAT cold) 10. Smart Wool socks (they’re the best, AROUND!) 11. boots 12. pants(!) 13. sports bra numero uno 14. sports bra numero dos.

This week the weather has been much nicer. Today it reached a whopping forty-six degrees. I was so excited I wore jeans with a tank and spring shoes. I fear that being comfortable in such a small amount of clothing at that temperature makes me a full fledged Utahn. Fuck.

Categories:FKT, I've had better mornings, obviously crazy to leave the bay area
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