I’m feeling a better than a I was a few days ago…but this week continues to wreak havoc, leaving a myriad of shit and trauma in its wake. I cannot believe the horrors my friends and family have been experiencing. I did a bit of astrological investigation and discovered that we’re in the middle of a Mercury Retrograde. My friend Megan now thinks I sit at home every night, polishing my crystals. Which is simply not true: I polish my crystals every night with my cat.
My free-spirited Grandma Dot is not doing well. I was just in California and had a feeling this might be coming. Her gall bladder is enlarged, which means she probably has a blocked bile duct (which she has experienced before). I’m sad because I don’t want to lose her, even though I know she’s lived a good life and she’s ready to go. My grandma is a fucking hoot and I can’t imagine not having her with me during special occasions, I’ve yet to experience. I’m a little jealous both of my sisters were both able to have her at their weddings and meet their children. Rather than drone on and on about the negative aspects of aging, I’m going to share a little bit of what makes Grandma Dot so special to me.
I developed a closer relationship with her when I was in my mid-twenties. At the time, we lived near each other but did not spend a lot time together. So we changed that. We started having lunch and dinner dates at least once a week. We would walk downtown together and grab a bite, or sometimes share a drink. You don’t know cute until you’ve seen your grandma sip off of your apple martini. 
For years she has carried a pendulum in her pocket to ask important questions, such as, “Are my finger nail clippers in the bathroom?” (I’m not even kidding.) Nearly every time I knocked on her door the pendulum was in a tangled mess, from carrying it in her pocket, waiting for me to work out the kinks.
Grandma felt more comfortable with nontraditional forms of spirituality after leaving the church, so I suppose my entire family are crystal collectors. Though not many of us have taken it to the same level as Grandma Dot. She used to attend senior citizen retreats to places like Mt. Shasta, to learn about bigfoot and the large group of Lemurians (who some believe are aliens) that live in an underground city beneath Mt. Shasta, called Telos. She had proof about the bigfoot theory upon her return, too! Our family is proof of bigfoot’s integration with humans because we’re all tall. Which leaves me to wonder: who’s been fucking bigfoot?!
During this time she also started doing tai chi. We were very concerned for her when my grandpa passed away 11 years ago, so it was fabulous to see her active and making new friends. Then came ping pong. She was so fierce, I finally had to draw and a line and not play with her! There were a few folks in her apartment complex who met daily to play and I’m quite certain it is what kept her so sharp; she was a MAD shit talker! I lost count during a game and she snapped off, “Some accountant YOU are. HA!” Just because the word “account” was in my job title, didn’t prepare me to get worked over by my grandma.
When I was in high school we got Prodigy, at my grandparents insistence; which we used it to communicate with them. I am so proud of how well she adjusted to technological changes. She has always been a emailer. I think her willingness to learn new things about the world around her helped her thrive. She got to the point where she was including internet acronyms (in emails), that I had to freaking LOOK UP! AND, googling the names of guys I was dating!!! Of course, only after she’d ask her pendulum if my relationships would pan out. Which was great, because she always swung that pendulum with a shaky hand and insisted she was not manipulating it. Too bad she couldn’t have manipulated it in my favor occasionally. Hearing, “No. This relationship will not work out” was a little tiring.
One of my favorite moments was while we were waiting for the elevator on our way to dinner together. We were discussing a friend of my aunt’s who is a raving bitch and has always hated me (for complicated, lame reasons). My grandma said, “You know what I think her problem is? I think she needs to get laid. She’s a modern woman. I can’t imagine she hasn’t had sex by her age (35). It would probably serve her well to loosen up a bit.”
With that, please keep my Grandma Dot in your thoughts and prayers.
