Two more days.
I’m really dreading Mother’s Day.
The past couple of weeks have been rough.
I feel all fucked up inside.
I feel like being sad about this is weird and bad.
It makes people uncomfortable.
It makes me uncomfortable.
I’m a mom too.
But I don’t have a baby.
I wish it would get better but I’m not sure if it ever will.
I feel like there will always be a hole in my heart.
Entries Tagged as 'miscarriage'
Ache, Ache, Ache
May 7th, 2010 · 3 Comments
Categories:Anxiety, confession, miscarriage
Tagged:
Disenchanted
September 16th, 2009 · 7 Comments
– President Barack Obama, February 24, 2009
I hope and pray that health care reform change begins ASAP. Unfortunately I fear that will not happen.
After watching the President’s address to the joint session of Congress on Health Care I found myself extremely disenchanted: not with anything Mr. President said (he was quite inspiring), I was disheartened to hear the booing and yelling from the Republican side of Congress and the very inappropriate outburst from Rep. Joe Wilson. If Congressional members cannot express feelings and ideas in a civil manner it is no wonder American citizens are not capable of positive political discourse. I have started to close myself off politically because nothing positive comes from sharing my thoughts and feelings. There is no exchange of ideas and principles, only yelling and bickering. We can’t even talk to each other anymore! We are surrounded by shocking and distasteful beliefs, actions, and tactics. My greatest fear is that the political shenanigans between the two political parties will prevent any real change or progress.
The previous paragraph was brought to you by the grief and emotional eruption resulting from receiving the following letter from the hospital where I received my D&C in February. After five months of consistent payments they mailed me this:
“***FINAL NOTICE***
This is our final effort. We value your patronage and want you as a patient. But, as much as we regret, your account may be placed with an outside agency for collection unless full payment is made within the next ten (10) days.”
BULLSHIT! They do not value my patronage or want me as a patient. If they did, they wouldn’t be such pricks. The phone calls to them are nothing short of horrific. I swear the call center representatives at the hospital were direct hired DMV employee rejects with anger and rage issues. I know it’s probably an error (I hope) and I will call them shortly to attempt resolution, but I am not looking forward to it anymore than I would look forward to a colonoscopy.
Receiving that letter really struck a chord in me. I am sick and fucking tired of all the bullshit associated with our health care and the political responses to the possibilities of change. So I did what any normal American would do, I wrote a letter to the President. I was going to email it but I think intent can be lost in the current electronic shuffle. So I’m rocking it old school and sending my letter via snail mail.
Categories:Anxiety, Assholes, Customer Service Bullshit, I’ve lost that loving feeling, dumb, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, miscarriage, overshare, too bad I don't have mental health coverage
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This is why people have wedding planners
May 13th, 2009 · 8 Comments
Holy wedding plans! Only 58 days and I have a to do list so long I should probably be running around like a crazy person, checking things off. (Instead I’m blogging. GO ME!) Our families have been really supportive and I’m grateful for that.
Mike’s mom met my family for the first time on Mother’s Day. It was really great to introduce my future MIL to my family. I feel very lucky to have such an awesome and kind MIL…there is a definite friendship developing and I’m excited to be able to have an honest relationship with her, unlike so many of the horror stories you hear! Now for my family to meet Mike’s dad and step mom! 
We’re currently experiencing (the too brief Utah) spring. My sister and I have started walking again. Last year we didn’t start on our health kick until August, so I’m sure we’ll be able to make a lot of progress since it’s only May. Which is great because I am eager to be healthier and more active. I don’t want to become teeny tiny or anything, I’d just like to tone up a bit. Right now we’re pushing my niece along in her BOB stroller but soon we’ll be carrying her in a child carrier backpack. NOTHING kicks your ass like hauling a two-year-old around a mountain on your back. I’m really excited! (And obviously sick – HA HA.)
My little niece (Bubbie) knew that I was pregnant; something I will not disclose so soon the next time. The last few times I’ve seen Bubbie she taps my belly while we’re playing and asks, “Is there still a baby in there?” My sister asked if it was hard having Bubbie pepper me with questions about the baby and honestly, I almost feel like it helps. She’s just two and she doesn’t ask from a mean place. Most people are afraid to ask or don’t want to bring it up for fear of upsetting me. Somehow, the honesty of a toddler helps me feel better (even though it’s still sad), because she acknowledges what was there.
I was really worked up about telling my niece there was no longer a baby in my tummy after the miscarriage but she handled it like such a pro. I was sitting at the kitchen table and my niece was showing me her new shoes. She exclaimed, “And! Today we can go shopping and buy shoes for your BABY!” When I told her there wasn’t a baby in my tummy anymore. She squeaked, “Ohhh.” and gave me a big hug.
Categories:Memory, miscarriage, too busy
Tagged:Wedding stuff!
This Place is a Prison
May 1st, 2009 · 14 Comments
When Mike gets the mail in our enormous apartment complex he sings Postal Service’s “This place is a prison, and these people aren’t your friends…” That’s how I feel when I go to my OBGYN’s office. That waiting room is fucking HELL. The mindless receptionist took one look at my chart and said, “You need to go talk to billing.” She used the tone I would use if I were talking to an animal that just pissed on my couch. I told her I called and spoke with their billing department that morning and arranged to pay a small portion of the large balance*. She made a huffy noise and I went to find a seat.
I hate that waiting room. Being surrounded by pregnant women and their significant others is a bloody nightmare. Sitting in the same room where we waited to hear what came next after seeing our still baby inside of me, is fucking rough. The room was packed and I sandwiched myself between two very pronounced baby bumps. Shortly after the receptionist started calling my name. She began explaining to a pregnant woman near the door that I needed to go to the billing department. When she realized she was talking to the wrong person she just repeated louder that I needed to see the billing department IMMEDIATELY. So I did. They wanted me to make a payment on my balance then make a co-pay at the end of my doctor’s visit…um, BITE ME. After settling my bill I returned to the time out area waiting room and sat wishing I’d packed a flask.
On my walk home I found myself doing the same thing that Marty wrote about here: the game of what ifs. Trying to figure out where I went wrong: maybe it was the Diet Crush I drank on occasion but didn’t realize had caffeine (why is there caffeine in orange soda anyway)? Maybe I should have been more careful about not lifting heavy objects? I should have listened to my sister when she told me not to shovel the driveway. I should have taken it easier….
Even with all this, I feel a little bit better today. Mike and I have a fun weekend planned and I’m not even angry it’s raining outside and ruining my walk (anymore).
* When I called to make arrangements for paying off my balance the woman told me they would not be able to accept small payments and I needed to pay in full – wouldn’t that be nice?! That wasn’t nearly as bad as when she stated, “You’re pregnant” while trying to figure out why I was billed for my 1st prenatal visit 2 months later, instead of at the end. I had to tell her the freaking bills were due to my miscarriage and D&C. Cue crying.
Categories:Assholes, Customer Service Bullshit, fuck you mother nature, miscarriage, too bad I don't have mental health coverage
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Down
April 29th, 2009 · 10 Comments
I have all this great stuff happening right now. I’m really happy with Mike. We had the sort of weekend that was so good it almost didn’t seem real when Monday rolled around. Our wedding planning seems to be literally falling into place… then, BAM! I get knocked over by depression.
Everything is rolling along fine until some inane person (my mother’s co-worker yesterday at lunch) asked me if I’m pregnant or have kids. I’m reminded it hasn’t even been three full months since the miscarriage. It was really fucking awkward. I know we can try again when we’re ready but that doesn’t comfort the empty ache inside of me.
So now I’m back to making a concerted effort to act “normal.” Doing my best to keep my sadness tucked inside. The worst part is I don’t even feel like crying: I just feel numb. I keep hoping that I’ll just feel better. One of my sister’s friends went through a similar experience and it took her about as long to pay off the miscarriage medical bills as it did to feel better. I certainly hope it doesn’t take that long.
I know that exercise would be helpful but I’m having a lot of trouble sticking to a routine…partly because I just feel like laying in bed and partly because I’m having trouble paying a gym membership when I should be using money for my miscarriage medical bills, wedding expenses, or saving for a place of our own…which I’d explain further but I refuse to do roommate bitching on top of all my whining. So I’m crossing my fingers that my sister gets over her sinus infection soon because hiking with her (and my niece!) always makes me feel better.
Also, I should probably stop listening to The Weakerthans so much. (Boo.)
Categories:I’ve lost that loving feeling, The Crazy, confession, crap, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, miscarriage, overshare
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Helpful Book
March 2nd, 2009 · 8 Comments
Since my miscarriage I have received a lot of miscarriage related search results. For anyone currently experiencing that type of loss, or looking for guidance on how to support a loved one, I found an excellent book, Unspeakable Losses: Healing from Miscarriage, Abortion, and Other Pregnancy Loss by Kim Kluger-Bell. I started reading it last night and finished this afternoon.
The book was easy to read and helped me feel a little bit better about the range of emotions I’ve been experiencing. I feel like I’m supposed to be “over this” and I know that talking about it makes other people uncomfortable… which just leads to more awkward grief. Yikes.
Our culture does not have any formal recognition of grieving for a lost or failed pregnancy, and there is a lot of shame and silence surrounding pregnancy losses, so I’ve been trying to come up with some of my own. Mike gave me a necklace for Valentine’s Day with a small wishbone charm. He did not intend for his gift to be symbolic of our loss, but I consider it a reminder of the hope and wishes we held for our baby.
I really liked the idea of a ceremony to acknowledge the loss of a child. Unspeakable Losses mentions a Buddhism Jizo Ceremony which is a way to help families through their grief. After doing a teeny tiny bit of research on Jizo Ceremonies, I super miss the old Buddhist Monastery, where I spent some time studying, while living in the bay area. At least I now have some idea of which direction to head.
Categories:miscarriage
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Tuesday was particularly heinous
February 20th, 2009 · 11 Comments
I was proud of myself because the only time I cried was (very briefly) on the phone with my sister. Then I came home to a $3941 bill from the hospital for my D&C. (Commence freak out.) Hopefully my insurance company will pick some (er, ALL) of that up but I don’t have high hopes; thus far I have had shitty coverage at best.
Before I was realized I need to hold off worrying for a little bit, I had a complete breakdown. Which I think is an understandable reaction to receiving a large bill as a result of the miscarriage. I don’t think my reaction would have been quite so extreme if I weren’t already having some pretty serious financial problems…not knowing how I’m going to pay for my current bills, partly as a result of taking time off because of the miscarriage = stressful times infinity.
When I emailed my mother about the billing mess I told her I hoped my insurance would pick some of it up (AHEM, all of it) because opening a bill for the removal of our no longer viable fetus just seemed cruel upon the horror of everything else.
To which my mother replied: “You will eventually have to stop using statements about your baby that inflame your emotions. Think of nurturing statements to be good to yourself. Wrap a little blankee around yourself.”
I know my mother was just trying to be helpful, but COME ON! It’s been only been two weeks. I’m allowed to say whatever the fuck I want. I can use whatever statements I want about my no longer viable fetus (which I even toned down for her – I have no qualms working my way through my insurance phone tree repeatedly asking why they aren’t covering the removal of my dead baby from my uterus). Besides, that is EXACTLY what happened. The medical term is missed abortion: intrauterine pregnancy is present but is no longer developing normally with fetal demise prior to 20 weeks’ gestation.
My mother and I have always dealt with things differently. I have a more out-there approach to dealing with sadness and trauma. My mother will write two page emails with detailed descriptions of Sunday drives: white puffy clouds and how they look upon a blue sky, the way the road winds through the mountain, which wildflowers are in bloom and how many she pressed for later use, the book on CD they listened to, animals they may have passed, etc.. At the very end of the email she will include an incomplete sentence letting me know that my father’s bladder cancer* has recurred and he’ll be seeking treatment for it. F that.
So that was how my week, how was yours?
*My dad is currently fine; I was just using this as an example of our different methods of coping and communication.
Categories:Uncategorized, fuck you mother nature, miscarriage, my dysfunctional family is better than yours
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Don’t read this if you’re depressed
February 15th, 2009 · 12 Comments
Sometimes I feel like everything will be OK. Living in an area with an enormous amount of pregnant women and/or new babies is difficult. We had a great day yesterday…I hadn’t cried all morning, then on our way home from breakfast and hanging out with sister and niece we passed a billboard for LDS hospital that said something like “New rooms for new moms” with a couple cradling their infant. Cue hysterical sobbing.
Categories:Utahrds, confession, miscarriage, too bad I don't have mental health coverage
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I thought not knowing was the worst, I was wrong
February 12th, 2009 · 43 Comments
I expected the ultrasound jelly to be cold and shocking, but it was nice and warm. I drank an obscene amount of liquids beforehand as instructed by the nurse. The tech placed the wand across my tummy and I continued to override my fear with positive thoughts; I felt as if my bladder may explode and for a moment, it was the only thing visible on the screen. Then the still, tiny baby appeared and we both knew something was wrong. I silently pleaded with the lifeless baby to move. Please move, baby. PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE.
Our little fetus measured in length at 8 weeks and whatever other measurement they use at 9 weeks, instead of the 12 weeks along it should have been. Realizing that our tiny little baby stopped growing weeks ago and was dead inside of me, was beyond devastating.
I did everything right: prenatal vitamins, eating healthy and balanced meals, no smoking, I avoided all of my favorite foods that weren’t pregnancy safe, no alcohol, I even cut out Diet Coke and coffee. I now realize my hellish 1st trimester pregnancy symptoms (constant nausea, excessive saliva, mood swings from hell, and breasts so sore they felt as if evil little trolls snuck in during the night to stuff them full of rocks) stopped about the same time our baby stopped growing.
The tech went to consult with the radiologist and to call my doctor to discuss what came next. We were both devastated. I got dressed and curled up into Mike’s lap, grateful they allowed us to stay inside the ultrasound room instead of returning to the waiting room. I didn’t want anyone to see me. Especially not the trashy, VERY pregnant woman in the waiting room who was drinking Mountain Dew and sharing it with her 15-month-old baby telling him, “It’s your favorite!” Are you fucking kidding me? MOUNTAIN DEW? That bitch was feeding both her born and unborn children caffeine, yellow number 5 and brominated brominated vegetable oil as I melted into an exhausted mess in Mike’s arms, mourning the loss of our baby? THIS IS NOT FAIR.
I am really struggling. The analytical side of me says, “It’s OK, the baby wasn’t meant to be, there was something wrong with the baby for it to have stopped growing.” But the rest of me? The rest of me aches. I want my baby. I feel raw and exhausted. We started loving that baby the moment we found out I was pregnant. Being in public is dangerous: there are pregnant people EVERYWHERE in Utah. Walking out my door is a constant reminder of my loss. I am worried I will overload my love with this sadness and sometimes I fear this will never go away.
Categories:miscarriage
Tagged:
