I was laid off last week – this is the first time I’ve lost a job. In the past I’ve had employers try to keep me when I’ve given notice so this has been a little different.
Though I would have appreciated some notice about my job disappearing, it’s really not that bad. For a plethora of reasons I won’t bore you with, I am relieved not to have to go there anymore. I am excited to find a new job and grateful to have some time off. Tomorrow was supposed to be my due date and I’m happy not to be suffering through a workday pretending I’m OK. Instead, I’m going to hang out with my niece and we’ll pay a visit to my grandma’s house.
Mike and I have a new addition to our home: his kitty, Mister X! X was left behind with his ex because of a shitload of reasons that aren’t worth going into. So a few weeks ago we heard that Mister X wasn’t doing well: unable to keep food down, having accidents everywhere, losing weight at an alarming rate, and needing to be put to sleep. When Mister X came last Saturday we feared it would be for a 72 hour goodbye before he was going to be put to sleep. But he hasn’t thrown up or had a single accident here and does not act like an animal that needs to die within 72 hours, which leads me to believe maybe he just hated the husband’s ex. HA! Isn’t he a cutie? It’s been really nice having a fuzzy new friend around…I don’t even mind sharing my pillow with him.
Last week we celebrated Mike’s 30th birthday. We went to his cabin and watched a gorgeous meteor shower. It was nice to get away from the city, even though it was just for a bit. And I made him a nerdy cross stitch sampler. I had such a good time I think I’ll start some new embroidery projects with all of my extra time.
Categories:Meow, birthday, crafty
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Why does falling for someone attract creepy weirdos? I think it has to do with super charged neurotransmitters going bonkers inside of our brains that make us produce ridiculous amounts of pheromones. Whatever the reason, it’s fucking annoying.
On Friday night I was at a street light, en route to my new mister’s house. While looking for something in my glove compartment, I felt someone staring at me. I gave a cursory glance to my right and continued looking ahead. The light turned green, I turned left, and he continued straight. One block later, I felt his psychotic gaze and looked over to see his car swerving up to mine. The fucker had sped around a number of blocks to pull up next to me. He rolled down his window and was looking at me like a cartoon character fantasizing about busily slicing carrots into a boiling cauldron containing a large rabbit.
I rolled my window down, held one finger, ignored his chatter, and yelled, “FUCKING! NO!” and told him I have a boyfriend.
The d-bag had the nerve to ask, “What? You don’t have room for two boyfriends?”
“NO! I do not.”
“Well, that makes your boyfriend a very lucky man. Are you sure you don’t have room for another.”
“I’m on my way to his house right now and you better stop fucking following me unless you want him to rearrange your fucking face.”
What gives? I can’t decide if I should start carrying a bat, mace, or both.
Categories:Meow, don't go away mad just go away, stalker
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My family has been out of town for the last week. I was really looking forward to having the house to myself! It would almost be living on my own again!
What I wanted to do
• Walk around the house naked
• Not close my door when using battery operated devices
• Walk around the house noisily, at all hours of the night without regard to other people’s need to sleep
• Drink alcohol openly – like a real, live adult who doesn’t live with her religious parents
• Watch even more Law & Order than I normally do (difficult)
• Get myself back track, nutritionally speaking
• Clean my desk
• Organize photo album
• Mail photographs to friends
• Participate in Ubermilf’s Flash Fiction Friday
What I did do
• Walk around the house naked
• Did not close my door while using a battery operated device – only to discover my sister’s friend has stopped by to pick something up (using the garage code – whoops)
• Walked around the house noisily; freaked out the cat
• Drank a bottle of wine
• Kept vodka in the freezer that I didn’t even drink
• Came down with a horrible sinus infection – seriously, my neti pot wouldn’t even work (you’re welcome)
• Watched HELLA Law & Order, yo
• Ate a lot of chicken noodle soup
• Organized my photo album
• Mailed photographs
• Flaked on Ubie’s FFF because I like totally suck and stuff
• Grounded my cat for playing with the riff raff feral cats my next door neighbor feeds (we’ve got foxes in our neighborhood and he refuses to come inside at his curfew – scary)
• Diagnosed my cat as an Emotional Eater (he totally pigged out EVERY time I told him he couldn’t go outside)
• Ate a tomato from the garden
• Weeded and deadheaded the garden
• Took a lot of naps with my cat
• Bought yummy produce at the farmers market
I ended up feeling more lonesome than satisfied with my freedom. I surprised myself by missing my family! No worries, it took less than ten minutes for the irritation to return.
What have you been up to?
Categories:All About Pants, Meow, jack jack, list, mid-thirties teenage angst
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This week I have been loving…
D.I.! Though really, I love D.I. every week. What’s not to love when you find treasures like this…
$3 baby doll stroller for my niece, who walked in circles around the kitchen island for FOUR HOURS! Screaming, “Ah byyye!” Every time she’d pass, flirt with her reflection in the sliding glass door, then start it all again. As my brother-in-law called it: a solid purchase.
$2 Sexual Fitness stretching for couples book. I picked this up for my friend, who will be giving it to his brother, that is saving his flower. I think it’s hilarious. Hopefully it won’t take too much therapy to get over it…
The only thing I can say about this homemade, church related puzzle (besides let you know that I didn’t buy it) is that these little fuckers added to my personal therapeutic history. Thanks J.S.
Can you say seventy-five cent BRAND NEW Hello Kitty tote? Jack Jack can, I had to pry it away from him after this modeling session so he wouldn’t destroy it before my honorary niece opens it on her birthday.
Painting the niece’s fingernails and toes with hot pink. She made JAZZ HANDS! the rest of the evening.
Rock hard nectarines. I like them crunchy like apples and they’re bangin’ this week.
True happiness is a cold room on a hot summer day. One thermostat for a two story house, set at seventy-nine degrees, makes for this downstairs. Say hello to heaven.
Still can’t get enough of The Ditty Bops. This week’s obsession is Bye Bye Love.
What are you loving this week?
Categories:All About Pants, Meow, buying stuff, jack jack, list, stuff I put in my mouth, thrifty
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Spent the day at a baby shower and came home to peruse my file of cat pictures. Yes, I really did take eighty-four pictures of JackJack. And that was just one day…I’d give y’all an official old maid cat photo count, but I don’t have that kind of time.
My cat is so much better than your human baby.
Four years ago I never would have thought I’d turn into a cat blogger. But it beats cutting.
And it sure as fuck beats dating.
Neow!
Categories:Meow, jack jack
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Today I played catch up with a friend over a bottle of wine. We got to talking about people who come in and out of our lives…she said it sounds like there’s another chapter about someone who dropped out of my life. I sort of wish there were, and that bums me out.
On my drive home I felt really drained and icky so I stopped at a park, laid in the grass and watched the clouds roll by.
Still feeling icky, solitary and borderline emotional, I did what any good emotional dummy does: I curled up in bed with my cat and watched an episode of Intervention. Bah. That show is one depressing motherfucker. But it did the trick. Then I took eighty-four pictures of my cat. (Yes, EIGHTY-FOUR.) I’d post a few of them, but WordPress hates me right now.
Categories:Meow, friends, jack jack
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Today Jack Jack sat in front of me begging for popcorn like a dog. When I shooed him away, he sulked off to chew the cord on my space heater. After a some yelling and hissing sounds he settled down for some pouting. Then he army crawled across the floor of my bedroom and started chewing on my new shoes. BAH!
I wonder if when I’m a crazy ol’ cat, I’ll have a “pack” of cat-dogs? That’d be kind of cool. It would really add to the Golden Girls theme my friend Stephanie and I intend to create when we’re older. Steph’s sister will be addicted to soap operas, Steph is going to be a chain smoker and I’m to be the crazy ol’ cat lady who yells at kids to get off our lawn. There will be a large porch with three rocking chairs and I will teach them how to knit. The best part about our little plan? I’m planning my living arrangements for after my husband’s death and I haven’t even met him. Ha ha…I wish he’d hurry up.
Categories:Meow, friends, hell is for single people, jack jack
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The lovely Sterkworks, aka Queen of Tongue-Ups, tagged me for a six quirky things meme. I think I may have done this meme before, but I’m too lazy too search for it and anyone who’s read more than two sentences here realizes I have way more than six quirky things to share about myself…
1. I used to save credit card offers and return the pre-paid response envelopes full of Penny Saver ads and other junk mail. I may have even sent dirt and rocks at some point.
2. I HATE hard boiled eggs. When I was fifteen months old my parents took me hiking (riding along in a baby back pack) to natural sulfur springs. I don’t remember it but my folks tell me that I pitched a royal fit and babbled incessantly about how filthy the smell was. It’s the one childhood food aversion I haven’t grown out of.
3. Lately I have been have nightmares about shaving my legs. Believe me, when you sit down next to Matthew Fox in a casino and he reaches for you leg…you’d want it to be smooth, too.
4. When I was seven years old my mom’s hairdresser told me about reincarnation. It completely FREAKED me out. I refused to change in front of our male cat because I thought he was my dead grandpa.
5. Not only am I a member of Club Celibacy, I’m the president!
6. The vet said it’s time for my fat-ass cat to got on a diet…he’s 16 1/2 pounds. I must admit, I was shocked when I found out how much he weighed; I thought surely he would be at least 20 pounds.
Categories:All About Pants, Meow, ancient history, cobwebs in my privates?, jack jack
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While visiting my friend Stephanie this weekend Jack Jack cried for me the first night I was gone. Upon my return, I was really excited to see him. I went out on the back porch and cried, “Heeeeeere kitty, kitty, kitty! Jaaaack! Jaaaack! Where are you?!”
He popped his head up from the top of the yard, gave me a confused stoney look and jumped half-way to me before he remembered that he’s supposed to act like an uninterested cat. Kind of like when Danny Zuko sees Sandy at the bonfire in Grease and screams her name in a high pitched girl voice before he remembers he’s supposed to play it cool.
Jack Jack and I are back to normal now. He’s totally using my mani pedi supplies without asking. And my phone! (What a bitch!)
Categories:Meow, jack jack
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I’ve mentioned once or twice, or one hundred times, that I spend a lot of time with my cat. He helped me find this super awesome necklace on Etsy on Saturday night while we were watching the world premiere of a Lifetime movie. Yes, we planned our weekend around a Lifetime movie. Yes, my cat and I are a “we.” A girl has to keep her priorities in check! I have dreams of becoming the Dooce of Cat Blogs.
Then my new almost-real-friend suggested we meet up for a drink so we can become friends for realsies. He is aware that I currently have a strict no dating rule in effect, so he proposed we keep conversation strictly to which Golden Girl we’d sleep with, kill, or marry. I have a theory developed about this but can’t write about it publicly until the almost-real-friend and I iron out the details after he’s tricked me into a date disguised as a non-date-friend date.
The gloves are off. I am officially obsessed. I found myself singing the Golden Girls theme song for the better part of yesterday. And I sort of spent an unhealthy amount of time searching youtube for Golden Girls video clips.
Things I Have In Common With the Golden Girls
- We all have vaginas.
- I said this exact phrase to my sister today!
- They’re living my dream! I plan to spend my twilight years in the company of my BFF and her sister.
- They live someplace without a hideous winter. Someday, I hope to live someplace without a hideous winter!
- I’m not afraid to buy condoms (not that I need condoms, since rejoining Club Celibacy) but I had something similar happen to me once buying a six-pack of beer and some KY. Good to know I’m not the only one, thank you Golden Girls. Thank you for being my friend!
Confession: the Golden Girls them song once made me cry.
Thank you for being a friendTraveled down the road and back againYour heart is true you’re a pal and a confidant.
And if you through a party
Invited everyone you ever knew
You would see the biggest gift would be from me
And the card attached would say thank you for being a friend.
Also, I think this song would make the best karaoke song ever.
Categories:Liftetime TV Network is the new pink, Meow, cobwebs in my privates?
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