Pants, pants, PANTS!

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July 21st, 2008 · 11 Comments

My family has been out of town for the last week. I was really looking forward to having the house to myself! It would almost be living on my own again!

What I wanted to do
• Walk around the house naked
• Not close my door when using battery operated devices
• Walk around the house noisily, at all hours of the night without regard to other people’s need to sleep
• Drink alcohol openly – like a real, live adult who doesn’t live with her religious parents
• Watch even more Law & Order than I normally do (difficult)
• Get myself back track, nutritionally speaking
• Clean my desk
• Organize photo album
• Mail photographs to friends
• Participate in Ubermilf’s Flash Fiction Friday

What I did do
• Walk around the house naked
• Did not close my door while using a battery operated device – only to discover my sister’s friend has stopped by to pick something up (using the garage code – whoops)
• Walked around the house noisily; freaked out the cat
• Drank a bottle of wine
• Kept vodka in the freezer that I didn’t even drink
• Came down with a horrible sinus infection – seriously, my neti pot wouldn’t even work (you’re welcome)
• Watched HELLA Law & Order, yo
• Ate a lot of chicken noodle soup
• Organized my photo album
• Mailed photographs
• Flaked on Ubie’s FFF because I like totally suck and stuff
• Grounded my cat for playing with the riff raff feral cats my next door neighbor feeds (we’ve got foxes in our neighborhood and he refuses to come inside at his curfew – scary)
• Diagnosed my cat as an Emotional Eater (he totally pigged out EVERY time I told him he couldn’t go outside)
• Ate a tomato from the garden
• Weeded and deadheaded the garden
• Took a lot of naps with my cat
• Bought yummy produce at the farmers market

I ended up feeling more lonesome than satisfied with my freedom. I surprised myself by missing my family! No worries, it took less than ten minutes for the irritation to return.

What have you been up to?

Categories:All About Pants, jack jack, list, Meow, mid-thirties teenage angst
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List-A-Rama

July 11th, 2008 · 12 Comments

  1. My first boyfriend has five kids. F-I-V-E, FIVE!
  2. Rlo told me I should watch How Stella Got Her Groove Back this weekend. I’m not sure what I find funnier: Rlo’s suggestion or that he has actually seen it.
  3. That depends on whether or not Jack Jack is willing to forfeit Saturday night made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
  4. Watching Benny Boy almost get in a fight with some random guy (who tried to cut in the beer line – no cuts, no butts, no coconuts!) after we waited for thirty minutes was surreal.
  5. Though not as surreal as seeing Rlo chest bump him afterward.
  6. I may have made that up. I was suffering from severe lack of beer, yo.
  7. I’m in love with free printable stationary. HELLO CUTENESS!
  8. Stephanie is right. Saying, “I’m not ready to be in a relationship right now” is just another way to say “I don’t want to be with YOU.” Harsh? Maybe. True? Yes. Did I need it? Yuppers.
  9. Steph promptly followed up with, “Anyone who doesn’t want to be with you is fucking retarded!”
  10. Duh.
  11. This week has been one giant déjà vu.
  12. I have a date with my grandma this weekend.
  13. Replacing smoking with sunflower seeds makes for a belly ache.
  14. I suppose a tummy ache is worth not dying from emphysema.
  15. I have fallen in love with Good News For People Who Love Bad News (again).
  16. The end.

Categories:All About Pants, friends, jack jack, list
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Camping Facts

June 30th, 2008 · No Comments

Apples are yummy.
The best stories begin with, “So I was home-schooled….”
There is such a thing as “UNO School”.
True to form, I had a total potty mouth.
Case in point: “The curtains BEHIND the curtains.”
Drank REAL beer from the liquor store.
So much better than low alcohol percentage crap!
The way I eat Go-GURT® grosses Suzanne out.
Nish told me I had the cleanest feet of anyone he’s ever seen camping.
The next day he said the same thing about my hands.
Baby wipes are a camping essential.
I should have made more Rice Krispies Treats®.
Suzanne says my honey bucket is safe with her.
I didn’t wear a watch or have my phone all weekend.
Hobo dinner rules.
Gail sleeps A LOT.
Wendy let me grab her boobs.
OK, I may have just grabbed her boobs.
Jon’s dog, Cousin, is fucking adorable.
I think Cousin might be psychic.
He attacked the $1 flamingo windsock camp mascot I bought when everyone was discussing how we should destroy it.

Categories:camping, happy happy joy joy, list
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Friday I’m in Love

June 20th, 2008 · No Comments

This week I have been loving…

D.I.! Though really, I love D.I. every week. What’s not to love when you find treasures like this…

$3 baby doll stroller for my niece, who walked in circles around the kitchen island for FOUR HOURS! Screaming, “Ah byyye!” Every time she’d pass, flirt with her reflection in the sliding glass door, then start it all again. As my brother-in-law called it: a solid purchase.

$2 Sexual Fitness stretching for couples book. I picked this up for my friend, who will be giving it to his brother, that is saving his flower. I think it’s hilarious. Hopefully it won’t take too much therapy to get over it…

The only thing I can say about this homemade, church related puzzle (besides let you know that I didn’t buy it) is that these little fuckers added to my personal therapeutic history. Thanks J.S.

Can you say seventy-five cent BRAND NEW Hello Kitty tote? Jack Jack can, I had to pry it away from him after this modeling session so he wouldn’t destroy it before my honorary niece opens it on her birthday.

Painting the niece’s fingernails and toes with hot pink. She made JAZZ HANDS! the rest of the evening.

Rock hard nectarines. I like them crunchy like apples and they’re bangin’ this week.

True happiness is a cold room on a hot summer day. One thermostat for a two story house, set at seventy-nine degrees, makes for this downstairs. Say hello to heaven.

Still can’t get enough of The Ditty Bops. This week’s obsession is Bye Bye Love.

What are you loving this week?

Categories:All About Pants, buying stuff, jack jack, list, Meow, stuff I put in my mouth, thrifty
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Brain Dead

June 4th, 2008 · No Comments

Stole Borrowed this from Stefanie…

Five things that are overrated

1. Dating

2. Fry sauce

3. Juicy Couture (more on this in a future post)

4. Everybody Loves Raymond (least funny show of all time)

5. Angelina Jolie

Five things that are underrated

1. Garbanzo beans

2. Knowing the difference between there, their and they’re

3. Thrift stores

4. All things kawaii!

5. Wearing two sports bras at the same time

Categories:All About Pants, list
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Freezing Cold Temperatures Reported in Hell!

April 17th, 2008 · No Comments

Reasons I am happy to live in Utah.

1. I get to see my sister almost every day. I love being so close to her.

2. It’s almost impossible to be sad around my niece. I love her to pieces. Her squeals melt my cold, black heart. Especially her new goat sound that is suspiciously similar to a Wookiee cry.

3. Tonight my dad made spaghetti for dinner while I crafted up vanilla ice cream with chunks of homemade chocolate chip cookie dough (weird, my pants all seem to have shrunk), followed by Law & Order.

4. My mom fucking rules. She’s always full of interesting ideas…whether it’s a new bead, craft project or or burning a flag because it’s “the respectful thing to do.” I will never forget my thirty-second birthday.

5. I will not have a conversation with any of my nieces like the conversation my uncle and I had last year when he shared regretting not making more time for his father when he was alive.

6. I am driving distance from my friend Stephanie. We’ve been friends for twenty years and marvel at our ability to pick up where we left off after being out of touch for long amounts of time…but have decided to the ability to pick up where we left off doesn’t make it OK to lose touch anymore. I only wish we lived a teensy bit closer to each other. I’ve been really lonely for her since our Easter weekend extravaganza with our other BFF, Zanny (who I also miss, but is not falling for my suggestions she move to Utah).

7. My Grandma Honey and Grandpa. Ghoney made an incredible recovery from a very scary illness. I appreciate and love being with her.

8. I get to see former Utahn friends when they come to Zion!

9. I am making new friends that are fucking awesome. Some of them even wear bikinis when drunk: hubba hubba!

10. Getting my learn on.

11. Inadvertently stealing the love and affection of Jack Jack from my mom.

12. Horrible LDS billboards…whether creepy Mormon movies or modest clothing stores (choking back vomit), provide material for endless sarcastic banter.

Short list of downsides so this post doesn’t get overly fucking schmoopy.

1. Too many California friends to name.
2. Landlocked, RED STATE.
3. No Sephora! Which I did not realize until I was already living here. I grieve my loss of sparkly makeup heaven every Sunday morning when I receive my weekly email.
4. The Utah climate is turning me into a leper. Lucky for me my mother crochets leper bandages, so I’m all set.

Categories:happy happy joy joy, list
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Doing-It Songs

April 14th, 2008 · No Comments

Normally I’m opposed to memes…but when faced with the offer to break down my three categories of Doing-It songs, there’s nothing I’d rather do! Except for maybe actually Doing-It…but I’ve decided to remove myself from the dating shelf, for the time being, so I can give my heart and head a chance to heal while I burn through that nightstand full of batteries.

You can find rules for crafting your own Doing-It play list over at Crystal’s. On with the musical hump-track!

Category I: Dry Humping Songs (Songs 6-15 on your set list)
Who doesn’t like a little dry humping? And I do mean a little, I’m not interested in excessive bruising or forceful denim penetration.

6. Kiss You All Over – Exile This song is so bad, it’s good. Plus, it’s a nice warm up song, before you get to serious, pre-soakin-it, hard-core dry-humpin’.
7. Kiss Me Deadly – Lita Ford I have unfulfilled seventh grade fantasies featuring this song…
8. Silent Lucidity – Queensryche Another for the unresolved issues pile…
9. Catch – The Cure This is the quintessential dry hump song…even though it felt soft at the time, I always seemed to wake up sore.
10. When Your Minds Made Up – The Swell Season
11. On the Radio – Regina Spektor Nothing makes me wanna pretend-hump myself into hysteria like a song about the end of the world.
12. Everything That Rises Must Converge – The Handsome Family No description necessary.
13. Love Like We Do – Edie Brickell & the New Bohemians
14. Easy – Faith No More I realize this qualifies as a breakup song, read into that what you will…
15. Paper Tiger – Beck See above comment.

Category II: Getting to Know Each Other Sexy Time Songs (Songs 15-23)
This is for when you finally start doing it, but aren’t comfortable enough with each other to really let your hair down and tell them know about your slapping/choking/doodoofeces fetish.

16. Son of a Preacher Man – Dusty Springfield
17. Paper Airplanes – M.I.A.
18. Island in the Sun – Weezer
19. Keep the Car Running – Neon Bible
20. Blame It On the Tetons – Modest Mouse
21. Last Kiss – Pearl Jam Untimely death? Who doesn’t want to fuck when they listen to this?
22. Sea of Love – Cat Powers
23. I Do – Edie Brickel

Category III: Balls to the Wall Boning Songs (Songs 23-35, or depending on the guy 23-23.5…having dated a 23-23.5 guy, I can attest to the uselessness of Trojan Extended Climax condoms). These are after you’ve known each other for a good 6 months and are comfortable enough to make hardly legal requests, call each other disrespectful names and establish safety words.

24. Cut Me Up – Har Mar Superstar
25. I Got a Man – Positive K
26. Sex Appeal – Sexy Sushi
27. We Are the Ones – The Coup
28. The Way I Are – Timbaland
29. Clone Fucker – Schaffer the Darklord Yeah, yeah, I’m a little all over the place. Yeah, yeah, the beginning of this song makes fun of the previous song. I’m one big contradiction.
30. Professor Booty – Beastie Boys
31. We Care A Lot – Faith No More
32. You Can Do It – Ice Cube
33. D’Angelo’s entire Voodoo album
34. Our God Is an Awesome God Only brought up as a threat when something I’m STRONGLY opposed to is begged for, i.e., a strap-on.
35. Smoke Rings – Jon Rauhouse Need something to cool down with after all that (insert filthy sexual reference of choice here).

Categories:I have more batteries for my vibrators than Too $hort h, list
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Happiness is…

April 6th, 2008 · No Comments

…choosing a research topic that doesn’t depress the fuck out of you.

…hysterical baby laughter.

…finding something you feel like you’ve lost, even though you never had it.

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…suitcase calling.

…I love noodles.

Categories:crossing my fingers, I’ve lost that loving feeling, list
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Love, love, LOVE!

April 3rd, 2008 · No Comments

I’m jumping on the LOVE bandwagon!

I love feeling my feet sink into sand as ocean waves rush back and forth.

I love hearing a baby laugh.

I love laughing until my stomach hurts and tears stream down my face.

I love holding a steaming hot Gordo’s bean and cheese burrito with guacamole and jalepenos.

I love Anna Waronker’s music.

I love closing my office door and getting down with Weezer’s “We are all on Drugs!”

I love seeing live music in small venues.

I love singing at the top of my lungs in my car.

I love all Law & Order series (and have been watching for fourteen years)!

I love The Office and 30 Rock.

I love serial killer and prison documentaries.

I love (and miss!) pedicures.

I love the smell of Kinesys sunscreen.

I love my freckles.

I love my sparrow tattoo.

I love Trader Joe’s tangerine sugar scrub.

I love slipping into bed with freshly shaved legs.

Even better…I love cold sheets and a warm body.

I love sleeping in.

I love “Wakey, wakey eggs and bakey.”

I love starting on a road trip in the wee hours of the morning and watching the sunrise as I speed down the highway.

I LOVE Disneyland!

I love driving with my car windows rolled down in the first days of spring.

I love swimming in freezing cold water…Lake Tahoe and Pinecrest. <3

I love sipping an Absolute Mandarin and tonic with orange and lime wedges.

I love sitting in a dark movie theater with contraband snacks, smuggled inside of a “movie theater purse.”

I love cooking.

I love baking cupcakes.

I love wrapping presents.

I love subversive humor.

I love butterflies in my stomach.

I love Mango-Vera lotion in the summer.

I love home baked Snickerdoodles.

I love butterflies in my stomach and the excitement surrounding a first kiss.

I love the patio at Jupiter…and beer! And food!

I love the smell of home.

I love giving and receiving cards and letters.

I love making creative, homemade gifts.

I love copious amounts of garlic.

I love mutilating and devouring marshmallow Peeps.

I love dancing to ghetto music in a club with a slight buzz.

I love escaping to higher elevations on hot days and enjoying the cool, dampness of dense woods.

I love standing among redwood trees.

I love camping.

I love roasting Pillsbury rolls over the breakfast campfire on long sticks.

I love the idea of soul mates.

I love my Neti pot.

I love the sound and feel of a purring kitten.

I love using my darkest times to empathetically help others.

I love working out when I’m angry.

I love having the mountains as a constant backdrop.

I love peanut butter.

I love zombies.

I love the smell of books.

I love cleaning my toilet when I’m really upset.

Categories:All About Pants, list
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Diez!

March 20th, 2008 · No Comments

I almost couldn’t believe it, but Egan totally started a meme!

Ten seconds ago I was washing my hands.
Ten minutes ago I was emailing Zanny about picking her up at the airport!
Ten hours ago I was trying to stay asleep.
Ten days ago I was rolling my eyes in Diarrhea 101.
Ten weeks ago I had an extremely irritating work day followed by an incredibly promising date.
Ten months ago I went to Utah to visit my family and consider moving; my niece sealed the deal with her everlasting cuteness!
Ten years ago I met my first “real” love.
—– —– —–
Ten years from now I will be paid to help others.
Ten months from now I will be taking some really exciting science classes!
Ten weeks from now I hope to be past what started ten weeks ago.
Ten days from now I’ll be having brunch with Aimee?
Ten hours from now I will be sleeping…or maybe having slumber party, girl talk with Zanny?!
Ten minutes from now I will be kicking ass and taking names.
Ten seconds from now I’ll be finishing my iced, skim latte.

Categories:All About Pants, Found, list
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