Pants, pants, PANTS! » list

Don’t Make Me Punch You In The Weiner

Pants — Wed, 12 May 2010 05:25:40 +0000

I was over at -R-’s blog and read this brilliant post titled Don’t Make Me Punch You In The Weiner. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one going out of my mind over, well, annoying bullshit. So I decided to play along.

1. It’s impossible to find a proper fucking onion bagel in Utah. The only local bagel store caters to the local tastes (SWEET) and stopped making onion bagels. This infuriates me. I’m considering making bagels at home which is far more work than I want to put in to eat a bagel.

2. I hate it when I cannot solve a problem or conflict and I feel lost in it. I feel that way right now over something that happened with a friend. I’m not sure how to deal with it so I’ve decided to say FUCK IT. I’m not feeling very well about it.

3. Grandma has congestive heart failure and is carrying about 20 extra pounds of water weight so her doctor prescribed diuretics. Diuretics make Grandma CRAZY with anxiety and fear about the toilet and potty and accidents. I understand that it’s stressful to have to move around a lot to go to the bathroom (especially at my grandma’s age) but it is hard to talk about it ALL DAY LONG. Grams went to the bathroom three times in 3 hours and she was screaming, “I WENT TO THE BATHROOM TEN TIMES!” But it’s not worth arguing with her because it’s like trying to reason with a two year old. A very powerful two year old. She’s getting older and more confused (especially with water weight, which makes confusion worse) and it has been difficult lately and I feel like complaining about it makes me a bad person so I’ve been pretty quiet about it. (At least online.)

4. There is no “x” is espresso. I don’t think this will ever not bother me.

Lately I’ve Been Loving…

Pants — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 04:57:41 +0000

Finding and rescuing Pyrex from thrift stores.

Hearing Mike say he can’t wait to see my Pyrex treasures when I get home from work. Um yeah, Mike pretty much = FUCKING AWESOME.
Drinking wine and taking drunken photographs of my new Pyrex!
Beef Stroganoff. I remember liking it as a kid but we have both fallen in love with this recipe.
Milk. Why on earth had I not seen that movie until now? It was incredible. It totally made me cry. Which is something, now that I’m not crying like everyday.
We’ve started planning our wedding! It’s going to be a small family wedding at Mike’s cabin in the mountains in July. At first I was a little overwhelmed but now I’m getting really excited!
Riesling. Seriously, what’s not to love?
New pajamas. I bought the softest, most awesome pair of pj pants at Target for $4 dollars. HELLO LOVE!
My niece’s curly hair. I love that kid. When she saw my new pajama pants she started poking at them with her little two year old fingers and squealing, “WHO GAVE YOU THESE PJ PANTS?! WHO GAVE YOU THESE PJ PANTS?!”
Mike protecting me from this random creepy old sex offender dude at a friend’s house this weekend who kept looking at me like a fat kid looks at a sandwich. After the creep left we discovered nobody actually knew who he was. WTF?!
C.O. Bigelow Mentha Lip Tint because it is the bomb.

February Spring Cleaning

Pants — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 19:39:46 +0000

1. I HATE it when crumbs stick to my feet.
2. How the hell does this household not have a broom?
3. I am going to cut myself if I forget to buy a broom the next time I leave this house.
4. It looks like an obsessive compulsive disorder spider monkey cleaned the fuck out of my kitchen.
5. It looks like that OCD spider monkey’s slow brother organized this kitchen. Uh-duuuuh.
6. Well, it used to look like that slow monkey organized this kitchen.
7. Of course I’d rather be cleaning and organizing shit instead of sleeping at 5:00AM.
8. How do black skid marks get in the middle of the refrigerator door?
9. I am no longer have fear in my heart when I look at the microwave.
10. Clorox Wipes are my friend.
11. Cactus shaped margarita glasses are ugly as FUCK.
12. I threw away more than 20 random, dirty, mismatched pieces of Tupperware that belonged to the old FILTHY roommate.
13. When my boyfriend woke up he said, “You are like a cleaning ninja!”
14. When our roommate woke up he said, “SERIOUSLY, who cleans BEHIND the microwave?!”
15. I’m ready to make guacamole and black bean salsa for the Super Bowl…just as soon as I clean up after whatever the roommate left in his breakfast wake.

Random Friday Bullshit

Pants — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 18:48:10 +0000

Tonight I’m getting together with a group of ex-Mormon bloggers. YIPPEE! I’m excited because I’ve been reading some of their blogs for a long time and it’s always nice to put faces to writing. Plus I’ve had a lot of weird feelings about my childhood cult resurface since moving to Utah so I’m looking forward to some commiseration!
Last night I had a phone conversation with a guy from the second round of namelessdatingwebsite applicants. It freaked me out a little how he responded to where I go to school …because his response: “I could throw a rock at your school from my office” is the EXACT SAME thing that mister-promising-disappearing-act said. They don’t work at the same office or anything (although that would be fucking sweet). I just thought it was strange.
Whoever took my motivation, would you please return it?
My mother gave me Zicam lozenges to help kick a cold. In case you haven’t taken them and were wondering what they taste like: THEY TASTE LIKE FUCKING HELL. I’m pretty sure the scientific theory behind their function is that your body becomes frightened you will continue to punish it with their nastiness and gets better quickly, mostly due to fear of further consumption.
I drank so much Crystal Light yesterday that I looked it up online to see how much I had to consume before it became toxic.
I am furious over the Mormons funding Prop 8 in California. What a bunch of fucking bigots. What the fuck happened to separation of church and state?!

Sunday I’m in Love!

Pants — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 05:39:52 +0000

Rather than detail how extremely shitty and stressful the past week has been, here is a list of things that have been making me happy. Just a few more days and this Mercury Retrograde shit will be over. THANKFUCKINGGOD.

My grandma’s health appears to be on the mend. Her spirits are up and she’s acting like herself. They are still running tests but her doctors think her medications may have been out of whack.
Receiving a package in the mail from my super fab BFF Stephanie! D.I. treasure galore! Woot woot!
Crafters for Obama. Crafting for change never looked so fucking good!
Spending time with my adoptive family and gay boyfriend. (We even tricked gay boyfriend into his second trip to D.I. AND he actually had fun!!)
I found my Halloween costume! Never thought I’d be so excited to wear knickers (the shorts variety, not panties, folks!), but they are damn cute! And they look mighty fine with my new boots.
Talking through some emotional bullshit with Suzanne, followed by some crafty, button-ring making fun!
Moving my friendship with Megan to the sleepover friend level, playing tarot cards and crystals!
Roasting marshmallows over a fire. Further proving my lifelong curse: only attracting smoke and assholes.
Watching the “Who Pooped the Bed?” episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
Some guy stranger from namelessdatingwebsite just sent me a message saying, “I may even be able to show you things to hold back your gag reflex.” Let’s hear it for oral sex jokes before knowing each others names!
Britney Spears’ new song, “Womanizer.” Stop judging me!

Travel Observations/Questions

Pants — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 01:04:28 +0000

Why does flying make me sofucking tired?
If you run around the (airport) terminal muttering, “Who do I have to fucking blow to get a Diet Coke around here?” Men will stare at you, longingly.
If you start crying in an airport terminal everyone will stare at you.
Never again will I neglect to choose my seat in advance. I sat directly next to the toilet, both flights. I had to restrain myself from planting a kiss punching the douchebag in the baby maker who left the folding bathroom door OPEN after taking a dump. So much for packing a snack?.
I had an incredible time with my friends, though it’s NEVER long enough. I REALLY missed my Neil. He has the most adorable little chicken. (And NO, chicken is not a euphemism for penis, perverts!) Please cross your fingers Neil has to come to Utah on business soon – since that appears to be the only way to trick get friends to visit Utah.
Neil seemed to be leading the club of friends who think I need to write a book about my family (among other things). Is it really that unusual to have a relative fake their own death? (HEE!)
For once in my life, could the man resting his elbow on muffin top for the entire flight be young and attractive, or at least not suffer wretched halitosis?
Last night, after spending the evening with my friends at their beautiful wedding reception, I cried like a baby on the walk to my rental car. And I’m not even having my period! I just really love being home.
Though there are many things I don’t like about Utah, I couldn’t imagine leaving my two-year-old niece. I feel truly lucky to be a part of her everyday life. I know her far better than I would if I lived in another state. I love that she woke up after she and my sister dropped me off at the airport and squawked for my Ditty Bops CD. Then made my sister replay it over and over before she said my name, “Miss her” and sighed dramatically. It’s even pretty cute when she hushes me for talking during Shrek, until she reaches her boiling point, holds one finger up and shrieks, “AHH-NOYING!”
My heart is mixed up. It’s confusing to long for home when home means two different places.
I met my cousin’s 5 month old baby for the first time. He’s a doll. All I wanted to do was squeeze all of his chins and make him giggle.
I also met my dear friend Lulu’s baby boy. In case you’re wondering what it’s like to hold a 3 week old baby, it’s HEAVEN. What a sweet little peanut. I loved every second that he snuggled up against me, taking a nap, while we sat and visited.
It might be less depressing to leave the bay area without listening to Beck’s “Sea Change” but I can’t fucking help it.
I might be less homesick if I could focus on the 6 men I have go-sees (coffee dates) with this week. I hope this means I’m about to get my slut back on! Enough of this club celibacy bullshit, already.

Fuck Monday

Pants — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 19:40:22 +0000

I bombed my bio test. Boo.
Daytrotter is an awesome website to discover new Indie music. Especially if you lost your entire iTunes library when your hard drive went boom.
Really bummed about that stupid bio test. May reward myself for not crying about it with a milkshake.
In internet dating news: I’m communicating with a few decent (seeming) men. Haven’t met anyone in person, nor has anyone declared their penis small. Quite an accomplishment!
Decided to go ahead and make the trip to the bay area next weekend. Excited to see my family and friends…hopefully the rest of the week goes by smoother than it started.
Last week I decided if Algebra were Star Wars my teacher would be a Jedi. Today I decided he’s a Sith Lord after spending 160 minutes solving twelve systems of equations. I regularly leave class with LESS knowledge than I began. FUCK.
I mentioned in a post last week that I named an asshole in a creative writing story after an ex-boyfriend. The next assignment from my teacher requires I keep that asshole in the story and award him full custody of an infant. Which is great, because I made him a DRUG DEALER. Can’t decide if I should write him out of the story with a shooting, overdose, arrest involving drugs, an arrest involving drugs and CPS, or all of the above. You might think I’m taking a class on writing Lifetime TV mini-series…and you would be right! It’s the only class I’m acing right now. So hooray for soap operas.
The other day I watched a guy tell a woman how beautiful she was, as he walked by. So distracted by her beauty, he didn’t pay attention to where he was walking and he walked straight into a pillar. Fucking awesome.
I got so mad at a shitty-ass teenage driver on Saturday night when she (unsuccessfully) tried to pass me and got stuck next to me (after tailing me sofuckingclose I couldn’t even see her headlights for 10 minutes), that I yelled “You drive like a spoiled piece of shit!” When her passenger started to yell back, I told her she was a “Fucking cunt.” Which marks my official transformation into a crazy old lady who will yell at kids to get off my mother fucking lawn. And I have the T-shirt to prove it. Interesting, I was wearing it during the road rage screaming match.
Time to go get that milkshake.

Just another Manic Tuesday

Pants — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 21:38:10 +0000

It’s a good thing this week is short because I don’t think I could handle five days like today.
I would love to do something about my terribly misshapen haircut and disgusting roots but that requires money. BOO!
I still don’t know how I’m going to buy my last text book.
Burst into tears (thank god, ALONE, in my car) just before work.
I am a cotton headed ninny muggin.
I could eat an entire box of feelings macaroni and cheese right now. Good thing I’m broke so I can’t make that happen! Which is sad because I’m pretty sure mac n’ cheese is all of two cents.
Saved by a co-worker: I almost had to choose between a binder clip and two plastic knives (as chopsticks) to eat my spinach salad for lunch.
Went for a six hour hike with my dad on Saturday that covered a ridiculous amount of elevation. He chose the hike, but I got really worried about halfway through, when it was too late to do anything about climbing (and then down) the dry rock creek bed.
One drink after hiking for 6 hours will turn you crazy. Fun crazy, but crazy.
It’s a good thing I don’t have internet access from my cell, otherwise I’d probably have posted a personal ad to craigslist, penned by my vagina.
Chocolate fountains are fun.
Finding this t-shirt made my day. Not that I can buy it, but just knowing it’s there makes my day. The Onion rules.

Lists, lists, LISTS!

Pants — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 20:35:16 +0000

It’s only the second week of school and I’m too freaking busy to write complete sentences or coherent paragraphs. Have some list!

Last night on a hike we (sister, niece and I) had our first bear incident. We didn’t see it…but heard it growl from 30 feet away. Back in the parking lot we talked to some nice mountain bikers who saw a black bear close to where we heard the growling. SCARY!
When I related the story to my mother she asked, “Nice mountain bikers? Like give-them-your-phone-number nice?”
I slept like total shit last night.
Today I fell asleep while taking notes in class.
I scheduled a few night classes in hope of meeting adults. That hope has died. If I want to meet adults in school I’m going to have to move to another state.
7:00am class + night class = MY OWN PERSONAL HELL
There is a girl in one of my classes so young I could be her MOTHER.
If the teenage newlyweds (who just married 3 weeks ago) trace shapes on each other’s back and tongue kiss at the end of class this week I’m going to throw my text book at them.
If you don’t yet read Cake Wrecks, get your ass over there. It is concentrated awesome.
I find it irritating when I have to click through my reader to read a complete blog post.
Bummed out that my trip to the bay area next month will be less than 72 hours. And that one of my BFFs will be out of town. WAH.
Sofa king broke right now that I’m contemplating buying tampons at the dollar store.*
Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams reunited? This makes me way happier than is probably healthy.
The Show Me Your Genitals video is one of the funniest things I have ever heard. GENITALIA!

*Did I really just admit this to the internets?

Random List

Pants — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 22:37:38 +0000

7:00am class is fucking early.
I didn’t think it was possible to have a worse massage than the angry Russian massage therapist who took a no-pain-no-gain attitude that left me with bruises all over my back. THEN, I found out there is something worse: being “pet” for one hour. It was more like a really long application of oil; which doesn’t seem so bad because it is hella dry here, but it was so weak it actually made me angry. Good thing it was free! Though it made me desperately miss Korean women with strong hands.
After living here for one year it’s still weird to see married couples who don’t look old enough to drive.
It’s annoying that there are bridal advertisements next to my school logo on mouse pads.
And church buildings on a community college campus? Separation of church and state at its finest!
I forgot how totally awesome The Murmers “You Suck” is.
Wildfires are scary.
I’m having a Zip-a-Dee but I wish it were an Organic Trader Joe’s Lollipop.
Good thing I’m going to the OC in a few weeks!
I bought a text book online and got pissed off when the seller sent me a message THREE DAYS LATER to let me know they sold my book locally and would appreciate some positive feedback. Know what I’d appreciate? MY MOTHER FUCKING TEXT BOOK.
I feel like crying.