- I bombed my bio test. Boo.
- Daytrotter is an awesome website to discover new Indie music. Especially if you lost your entire iTunes library when your hard drive went boom.
- Really bummed about that stupid bio test. May reward myself for not crying about it with a milkshake.
- In internet dating news: I’m communicating with a few decent (seeming) men. Haven’t met anyone in person, nor has anyone declared their penis small. Quite an accomplishment!
- Decided to go ahead and make the trip to the bay area next weekend. Excited to see my family and friends…hopefully the rest of the week goes by smoother than it started.
- Last week I decided if Algebra were Star Wars my teacher would be a Jedi. Today I decided he’s a Sith Lord after spending 160 minutes solving twelve systems of equations. I regularly leave class with LESS knowledge than I began. FUCK.
- I mentioned in a post last week that I named an asshole in a creative writing story after an ex-boyfriend. The next assignment from my teacher requires I keep that asshole in the story and award him full custody of an infant. Which is great, because I made him a DRUG DEALER. Can’t decide if I should write him out of the story with a shooting, overdose, arrest involving drugs, an arrest involving drugs and CPS, or all of the above. You might think I’m taking a class on writing Lifetime TV mini-series…and you would be right! It’s the only class I’m acing right now. So hooray for soap operas.
- The other day I watched a guy tell a woman how beautiful she was, as he walked by. So distracted by her beauty, he didn’t pay attention to where he was walking and he walked straight into a pillar. Fucking awesome.
- I got so mad at a shitty-ass teenage driver on Saturday night when she (unsuccessfully) tried to pass me and got stuck next to me (after tailing me sofuckingclose I couldn’t even see her headlights for 10 minutes), that I yelled “You drive like a spoiled piece of shit!” When her passenger started to yell back, I told her she was a “Fucking cunt.” Which marks my official transformation into a crazy old lady who will yell at kids to get off my mother fucking lawn. And I have the T-shirt to prove it. Interesting, I was wearing it during the road rage screaming match.
- Time to go get that milkshake.
Entries Tagged as 'if anyone needs me I’ll be drinking in my closet'
Fuck Monday
September 22nd, 2008 · 25 Comments
Categories:Assholes, confession, fucking paradise, getting my learn on, I miss sleeping, I've had better mornings, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, list, Uncategorized
Tagged:
Hey, Dirty, Baby I Got Your Money
September 18th, 2008 · 17 Comments
What’s the title have to do with me being broke? Nothing really, except that I’ve got Ol’ Dirty Bastard stuck on my mind and I’m about to bitch about finances.
It turns out I’m not the only one stressed out over being a broke-ass student. Before I went to visit my friend last weekend I had $30 in my bank account and nine days until pay day. So I did what any self-sufficient thirty-two year old woman living in her parent’s basement would do: I snaked $12 in quarters from my dad’s ski fund. The TSA agent freaked out when she saw my backpack in the x-ray machine and asked me if I had a roll of quarters in my bag. Apparently, stealing borrowing quarters from your dad is a crime against aviation.
Since then, my financial aid arrived (FINALLY!). For the moment I have some cash, but I’m freaked out to spend it because I can very easily be back in the same broke-ass situation. There are a few things I need to do, but I’m torn about spending the money (other than repaying dad’s ski fund and purchasing an external hard drive). I’m debating whether or not to take a trip to the bay area next weekend for a friend’s wedding reception. The bride wants me to save my money and visit during Christmas break when I have more money (HA!) and time (so we can visit this place). Which I totally think I should do, except that my cousin and her new baby are going to be in town (because of me) and my dear friend Lulu just had her first baby and I don’t want to let either of them down.
The only solution I’ve been able to come up with, thus far, is to get my hands on some anthrax vaccine. I heard and ad on the radio offering $500 CASH MONEY to plasma donors who’ve been vaccinated for anthrax. Plasma proceeds would be wisely spent to visit my family and friends and maybe to purchase a hooker wardrobe for the next time I’m hurting for cash.
Categories:crap, getting my learn on, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, it's called sarcasm
Tagged:
Fuck, Fuck, Fuck
September 16th, 2008 · 21 Comments
The hard drive on my MacBook blew up and none of my data is recoverable. Hearing the news made me want to cry. Then I realized it’s not that fucked. Unless you count the weeks of notes I lost for this week’s biology test.
I had a great time in California but I feel little guilty about one thing: I missed Utah. I know – it’s the weirdest shit ever! Had a great time with my friends and family, loved being time at the beach, appreciated going into a bar without dealing with all that lame membership bullshit…but I found myself missing Utah. Never thought I’d think that, let alone share it! A friend likened it to missing a loser boyfriend: you know he’s a douche and yet you miss him. Stupid Utah, confusing my heart!
Categories:confession, I've had better mornings, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, Lame, mac, OH MY HORRORS, Uncategorized
Tagged:
Just another Manic Tuesday
September 2nd, 2008 · 18 Comments
- It’s a good thing this week is short because I don’t think I could handle five days like today.
- I would love to do something about my terribly misshapen haircut and disgusting roots but that requires money. BOO!
- I still don’t know how I’m going to buy my last text book.
- Burst into tears (thank god, ALONE, in my car) just before work.
- I am a cotton headed ninny muggin.
- I could eat an entire box of feelings macaroni and cheese right now. Good thing I’m broke so I can’t make that happen! Which is sad because I’m pretty sure mac n’ cheese is all of two cents.
- Saved by a co-worker: I almost had to choose between a binder clip and two plastic knives (as chopsticks) to eat my spinach salad for lunch.
- Went for a six hour hike with my dad on Saturday that covered a ridiculous amount of elevation. He chose the hike, but I got really worried about halfway through, when it was too late to do anything about climbing (and then down) the dry rock creek bed.
- One drink after hiking for 6 hours will turn you crazy. Fun crazy, but crazy.
- It’s a good thing I don’t have internet access from my cell, otherwise I’d probably have posted a personal ad to craigslist, penned by my vagina.
- Chocolate fountains are fun.
- Finding this t-shirt made my day. Not that I can buy it, but just knowing it’s there makes my day. The Onion rules.
Categories:getting my learn on, hell is for single people, I've had better mornings, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, I’ve lost that loving feeling, list, OH MY HORRORS, too bad I don't have mental health coverage, too busy, Uncategorized
Tagged:
Performance Evaluation
August 12th, 2008 · 17 Comments
I have been feeling ridiculously good. I think it’s due to the exercise kick my sister and I started. (Can you say endorphin high?) To the point where for like ENTIRE 8 minute stretches I don’t even feel like cutting myself or huddling myself up in a corner to cry over realizations of family dysfunction! I walked more than 10 miles within two days! Moaned my way through downtown Salt Lake City with fellow zombie enthusiasts! Life IS within reach. I won’t be living here FOREVER. Only one year before I can apply to nursing school!
Then came Monday. FUCK MONDAY. Seriously.
Here’s hoping the rest of the week feels twenty-hundred times better than yesterday.
Categories:crossing my fingers, don't go away mad just go away, I've had better mornings, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, I’ve lost that loving feeling, obviously crazy to leave the bay area, too bad I don't have mental health coverage, where's my medicine?
Tagged:
Roll Call!
July 30th, 2008 · No Comments
Who are you and how did you find me?
Did you reach me by searching “food in pants,” “face eaten by bear” or “mormon porn”?
Did we used to date and you stalk scour my blog by searching “Melliferous Pants”?
However you made it here, why do you read? I’m having a super crappy day. Come out from behind the safety of your monitor and say hello. It’d help me feel better and my niece might stop squeaking, “Crying? Hug?”
Categories:I've had better mornings, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, too bad I don't have mental health coverage
Tagged:
These Are a Few of My Therapy Things
July 27th, 2008 · 24 Comments
My mother offered to babysit so my sister and I could see Mamma Mia. My niece has trouble sleeping outside of her normal schedule and this was the first time she fell asleep at our house, in my room.
I started the car while my sister ran in to tell our mother she should go downstairs so she could hear when the little one cried or woke up.
Mother replied, “It’s OK. I’ll hear her through the vent. I can hear noises from her bedroom through the vent.”
“I didn’t want to tell her about it so she could feel like she has her privacy.”
“BUT, I can hear noises.”
This is where my mind spun in circles and broke into a million little pieces
Categories:if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, mid-thirties teenage angst, OH MY HORRORS, too bad I don't have mental health coverage
Tagged:
Sad
May 30th, 2008 · No Comments
I wanted to write about how much I miss my friend Stephanie and post pictures from last weekend with her family, but don’t have them with me…so here are some recent search phrases. Yes, I’m that exciting. If finishing sewing my sister’s birthday handbag and making jewelry doesn’t interfere with my exciting evening of prison documentaries and quality time with my cat, you may get pictures later.
lonely heart broken people – How sad is this?
get to third base – I wish.
“bay to breakers” 2008 “cock ring” – Wish I was there.
birth control breakup – Sad.
Categories:if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, it's called sarcasm, Liftetime TV Network is the new pink
Tagged:
Tidbit
April 30th, 2008 · No Comments
Just because you take a muscle relaxant and you feel like a noodle, doesn’t make it OK to tell your mother about the guy you dated who only had one ball. And the silence following your disclosure does not get more comfortable when you babble incessantly about the one-baller.
Categories:All About Pants, hell is for single people, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, stupid back, where's my medicine?
Tagged:
The Cat Formerly Known As My Mother’s
April 15th, 2008 · No Comments
Jack Jack is so interested in everything I do; he likes me, he really likes me! I am considering submitting this group of incredibly awesome, high quality, barely pathetic self-portrait + cat series photos to an art gallery. Any title suggestions? So far I’ve come up with…
A Thirty-Something and Her Cat
Not So Lonely After All
Algebra: Not Just For Humans
My Cat is Better Than Your Human Baby
The next step is for us to have photographs taken at Olan Mills. Which, curiously, I’ve decided is my dream date! Though my dream date will be with a human, not a feline. (I hope.)
1. Begin with shopping trip to D.I. (Mormon Goodwill) for some fine-ass new clothes.
2. Rush off to a portrait sitting at Olan Mills (or comparable photo studio).
3. Walk through Temple Square holding hands and sipping from the same flask.
4. Frozen yogurt.
5. Make out in remote, picturesque, area where teenagers (or thirty-something women who move home) escape their parents.
Though I realize this would be more satisfying (and likely) with my BFF, Stephanie. Hopefully we can do this at the end of the month when I go to visit! I know her husband wouldn’t object…he likes me and he hardly likes anybody (SCORE ME!).
Categories:friends, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, jack jack, Meow, mid-thirties teenage angst, things I'd rather do than homework
Tagged:
