Entries Tagged as 'if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet'
My uncle came by today to say hello to the grandparents. He lives and works closer to grams than the rest of us but has only recently started making an effort to spend time with his mother and stepfather. I’m glad that he’s (FINALLY) started to pay attention to grams (because she loves it) but damn, being around him is painful.
Uncle has an inflection to his voice best described as “full of the spirit.” The way that he emphasizes words and takes a soft-spoken, yet authoritative, tone when talking about church stuff (which is pretty much all the time) makes me feel stabby.
Last month he brought by a Jesus-y Christmas book and related a church talk he gave that compared the grips Satan can take on one’s testimony of the gospel to the destruction of the Titanic. BARF-A-FUCKING-RAMA. He also made sure to warn the grandparents about a “Terribly un-American movie. You may have heard of it, it’s called Avatar.” (Cue hysterical laughter.)
During today’s visit I made sure to remain busy cleaning while he was in the house so I didn’t have to interact with him. I should have put in earplugs. First he started in with all this “let’s destroy all of nature in attempt to rape the earth of oil / environmentalists are evil” crap. I didn’t start to really lose it until an elderly neighbor stopped by. Grandma introduced uncle as her “geologist son” to the neighbor.
Neighbor: Geologist, huh? Can you tell me if we’re going to have an earthquake?
Uncle: I can’t tell you if we’re going to have an earthquake, unless you live in Cedar City, then I can tell you that there was an earthquake morning. The real danger you should watch out for is a large meteor hitting the earth.
Neighbor: Is that so? You can tell that with science?
Uncle: Not with science, but with something more concrete: THE BOOK OF REVELATIONS.
Then the uncle and neighbor took turns baring their testimonies of the truthfulness of the one and only restored gospel of Jesus Christ on the earth (aka, THE MORMONS). I did my best to stay away from sharp implements and get the fuck out of there before I lost my mind.
Categories:Anxiety, Childhood Cult, OH MY HORRORS, Utahrds, feeling stabby, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet
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September 16th, 2009 · 7 Comments
“I suffer no illusions that this will be an easy process. It will be hard. But I also know that nearly a century after Teddy Roosevelt first called for reform, the cost of our health care has weighed down our economy and the conscience of our nation long enough. So let there be no doubt: health care reform cannot wait, it must not wait, and it will not wait another year.”
– President Barack Obama, February 24, 2009
I hope and pray that health care reform change begins ASAP. Unfortunately I fear that will not happen.
After watching the President’s address to the joint session of Congress on Health Care I found myself extremely disenchanted: not with anything Mr. President said (he was quite inspiring), I was disheartened to hear the booing and yelling from the Republican side of Congress and the very inappropriate outburst from Rep. Joe Wilson. If Congressional members cannot express feelings and ideas in a civil manner it is no wonder American citizens are not capable of positive political discourse. I have started to close myself off politically because nothing positive comes from sharing my thoughts and feelings. There is no exchange of ideas and principles, only yelling and bickering. We can’t even talk to each other anymore! We are surrounded by shocking and distasteful beliefs, actions, and tactics. My greatest fear is that the political shenanigans between the two political parties will prevent any real change or progress.
The previous paragraph was brought to you by the grief and emotional eruption resulting from receiving the following letter from the hospital where I received my D&C in February. After five months of consistent payments they mailed me this:
“***FINAL NOTICE***
This is our final effort. We value your patronage and want you as a patient. But, as much as we regret, your account may be placed with an outside agency for collection unless full payment is made within the next ten (10) days.”
BULLSHIT! They do not value my patronage or want me as a patient. If they did, they wouldn’t be such pricks. The phone calls to them are nothing short of horrific. I swear the call center representatives at the hospital were direct hired DMV employee rejects with anger and rage issues. I know it’s probably an error (I hope) and I will call them shortly to attempt resolution, but I am not looking forward to it anymore than I would look forward to a colonoscopy.
Receiving that letter really struck a chord in me. I am sick and fucking tired of all the bullshit associated with our health care and the political responses to the possibilities of change. So I did what any normal American would do, I wrote a letter to the President. I was going to email it but I think intent can be lost in the current electronic shuffle. So I’m rocking it old school and sending my letter via snail mail.
Categories:Anxiety, Assholes, Customer Service Bullshit, I’ve lost that loving feeling, dumb, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, miscarriage, overshare, too bad I don't have mental health coverage
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I’ve been having fitful and frustrating dreams lately. While we were planning the wedding I wasn’t able to think about my miscarriage very much. Now that the wedding has passed and what would have been my due date is approaching, I seem to be having more and more dreams about babies.
Over the weekend I had a dream that Mike and I were at a Schlitterbahn Waterpark. (Random? Yes.) We were at the top of a large waterslide when I started going into labor: it was very unnerving, especially when the teenage lifeguard delivered the baby. In my dream the baby was born safe and healthy. The next part of the dream was me at home with the baby and I couldn’t seem to hold the baby correctly. I would be walking around with my infant in my arms and it would slip out. This happened a few times and when I would not be able to hold the baby safely it would gently fall onto a bed or sofa. Even though it was all a dream, I woke up feeling a serious sense of failure because I couldn’t even hold my own baby without dropping it…which was bizarre to feel when I was awake since I don’t have a baby.
Today I saw a car with TWO “Baby on Board” signs. I have always found Baby on Board signs pretentious and annoying because if they didn’t have their stupid sign up warning me to be careful around their car, I would totally demolish it with my shitty driving skills. WTF? I noticed the driver (mother) was smoking a cigarette with a little baby girl in the backseat (I only knew because pink threw up all over that backseat) and an elementary school aged boy in the front seat. I wish I didn’t get so upset, but I hate seeing people abuse their kids. It seemed especially horrible since she posted fucking Baby on Board signs all over her back window and bumper. I wanted to jump out of my car at a stoplight and save those kids because she obviously doesn’t deserve them.
Categories:Anxiety, I've had better mornings, OH MY HORRORS, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, overshare, too bad I don't have mental health coverage
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Less than a week until the wedding and the stress has been incredibly awful. Last week I decided to stop making decisions. I can tell my indifference to most things is annoying my mother but I don’t know how else to react. When I offer an opinion about my wedding, it is shot down so I can shut up or attempt to fight it out. Lame.
After telling my mother that I wanted to write a very carefully worded letter to Walt Disney thanking him for promoting the myth of fairytale weddings she told me that most brides give their mothers more responsibility so they don’t have to be all freaked out. It’s funny because I thought putting my mother in charge of making and transporting all of the food, coordinating borrowing tables, chairs, and tablecloths was a lot of responsibility. But apparently it is not enough because she continues to make shitloads of spreadsheets about everyfuckingdetail and lives for long conversations about table placement that make me dream of suicide. I don’t know what else to give her unless she wants to wear my wedding dress.
I just reread the previous paragraph and I am a total bitch! Which our good friends S and V told me is permitted. They said Mike and I both get a behavior “pass” this week. (But after the wedding they’ll start making a list – HA.)
S also saved me from my mother yesterday after the ridiculously overstressed transportation of the tables and chairs to the cabin. He jumped in and helped with discussing details I lacked the brainpower (or desire) to address. And at the end of the day when we were at S and V’s house, being fed delicious vodka cherry concoctions, S perfectly summed up the day of watching our families interact when he said, “There are too many cooks in the kitchen!” Suddenly I don’t feel so bad about mentally checking out and spending most of my day taking deep breaths and playing solitaire on Facebook.
Categories:Anxiety, Engagement, confession, fucking paradise, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, my dysfunctional family is better than yours, wedding
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My parents are on Facebook and it freaks me out. I don’t have any links between this website and Facebook so I still have a place where I can speak openly, but I still feel WEIRD.
It’s been a while since my mother entered the world of Facebook. I knew she was using (HA, HA) because she kept mentioning it in when I was around without specifically asking me why we weren’t friends because that’s how my family rolls: dysfunctional!
After months of ignoring passive aggressive Facebook chatter, this morning I received a friend request from my dad. He and I have always had a different relationship than my mother and I and it took me about two seconds before deciding to accept his request. I feel a little bad. This isn’t exactly news since I make feeling bad a hobby. HELL, I’m a damned professional! I don’t know if it is from my religious upbringing or my middle-child-ness, but if I were a super hero my power would likely be GUILT.
So now I feel like I should go through my Facebook crap and clean things out so as not to offend my parents, which is how I rationalized not being connected to them on there before, but I don’t want to have to watch who I am or pretend I’m something I’m not. I’m the foul-mouthed middle child who posts suggestive pictures of myself with Brigham Young statues or makes vomit hand signals while holding a Holy Temple book in the middle of the LDS section of the local bookstore. I also rant and rave about weirdness and living in Utah gives me PLENTY to rant about.
How many of you are connected to your parents on social networking websites? Am I the only one experiencing parental anxiety? HELP!
Categories:Anxiety, Childhood Cult, OH MY HORRORS, confession, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, my dysfunctional family is better than yours, too bad I don't have mental health coverage, where's my medicine?
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Last week I reached the point where I started wishing we had eloped. My friend Margot tells me that is normal and in a year I will be so happy we did the regular wedding. Which is great to hear, I just wish it were a little more reassuring right now.
Mike and I have most of the big things arranged: we all know/have what we’re wearing, my sister is marrying us, we have a photographer, my mom is doing the food, etc. The one thing that hadn’t happened until this weekend was introducing Mike’s dad and stepmom to my parents. It went really well, especially after I poured myself a half and half rum and Diet Coke.
My favorite part of the evening was when my mother told Mike’s stepmom she thought Mike was modest. His stepmom said Mike had good manners but she didn’t think he was modest. She asked Mike’s dad what he thought…after a minute he said, “Well he doesn’t wave his dick around in the park.”
OK off to go figure out how my sister and I are going to manage to do all of my flowers on our own. I am going back to sleep and see if I can’t get rid of this cold which was surely brought on by stress.
Categories:Engagement, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, love my sister, wedding
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I have all this great stuff happening right now. I’m really happy with Mike. We had the sort of weekend that was so good it almost didn’t seem real when Monday rolled around. Our wedding planning seems to be literally falling into place… then, BAM! I get knocked over by depression.
Everything is rolling along fine until some inane person (my mother’s co-worker yesterday at lunch) asked me if I’m pregnant or have kids. I’m reminded it hasn’t even been three full months since the miscarriage. It was really fucking awkward. I know we can try again when we’re ready but that doesn’t comfort the empty ache inside of me.
So now I’m back to making a concerted effort to act “normal.” Doing my best to keep my sadness tucked inside. The worst part is I don’t even feel like crying: I just feel numb. I keep hoping that I’ll just feel better. One of my sister’s friends went through a similar experience and it took her about as long to pay off the miscarriage medical bills as it did to feel better. I certainly hope it doesn’t take that long.
I know that exercise would be helpful but I’m having a lot of trouble sticking to a routine…partly because I just feel like laying in bed and partly because I’m having trouble paying a gym membership when I should be using money for my miscarriage medical bills, wedding expenses, or saving for a place of our own…which I’d explain further but I refuse to do roommate bitching on top of all my whining. So I’m crossing my fingers that my sister gets over her sinus infection soon because hiking with her (and my niece!) always makes me feel better.
Also, I should probably stop listening to The Weakerthans so much. (Boo.)
Categories:I’ve lost that loving feeling, The Crazy, confession, crap, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, miscarriage, overshare
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Twice in the past week I’ve thrown up all over myself at school. I realize that I live in a state owned by the Mormons, but for the loveoffuckinggod, is it too much to ask that they keep their fucking religion away from my education?
(Yes. It is too much to ask.)
I was sitting next to two nineteen-year-old boys talking about their mission calls…
“I go into the MTC (mission training center) one day after Obama goes into office.”
“You are a lucky man.”
“Yeah, I’m happy to be out of this country for two years while he’s in office.”
“No kidding. I pray I’ll be so lucky, to get a mission call out of country. I DO NOT TRUST THAT MAN.”
I would like to know what these fucking BABIES actually know about Obama, beyond what their parents and church leaders have frightened them with. It scares the shit out of me to be surrounded by a bunch of thoughtless lemmings.
Last night one of my classmates gave a presentation on death (which was relevant to class material – psychology through the years). I could tell the presenter worked very hard, but the tone in his voice made me cringe: it was the soft, spiritual tone that I am very familiar with; thanks to the 19 years of time I did in the cult that tries to pass as a religion.
He related an account of a friend whose father worked in the church educational system for his entire career; this man became close with many (modern day) prophets and apostles. When he was in the hospital dying from cancer, the prophet and apostles came to visit him. After one came to give him a blessing, he pulled the man’s adult daughter aside to comfort her. She asked the man of God why her father was dying of cancer. What did her kind-hearted father do to deserve this? He responded, “God has many ways of bringing his children home.”
Then I threw up all over my desk.
I fucking HATE that shit. No one likes going to funerals, no one wants to lose loved ones, but that is my least favorite things about funerals: the “he/she is in a better place” bullshit. FUCK THAT. Who’s to say they’re in a better place? I’d like for there to be something beyond this world, but who’s to fucking say if there is anything? Is this discussion appropriate in a public school?
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCK.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kdJ4oVnujbA&hl=en&fs=1]
I don’t remember where I found this, but everyone should watch it, especially every single person who supported Prop 8.
Categories:Childhood Cult, OH MY HORRORS, Overheard, Uncategorized, Utahrds, getting my learn on, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, lemmings, obviously crazy to leave the bay area, weeeeeee
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Rather than detail how extremely shitty and stressful the past week has been, here is a list of things that have been making me happy. Just a few more days and this Mercury Retrograde shit will be over. THANKFUCKINGGOD.
- My grandma’s health appears to be on the mend. Her spirits are up and she’s acting like herself. They are still running tests but her doctors think her medications may have been out of whack.
- Receiving a package in the mail from my super fab BFF Stephanie! D.I. treasure galore! Woot woot!
- Crafters for Obama. Crafting for change never looked so fucking good!
- Spending time with my adoptive family and gay boyfriend. (We even tricked gay boyfriend into his second trip to D.I. AND he actually had fun!!)
- I found my Halloween costume! Never thought I’d be so excited to wear knickers (the shorts variety, not panties, folks!), but they are damn cute! And they look mighty fine with my new boots.
- Talking through some emotional bullshit with Suzanne, followed by some crafty, button-ring making fun!
- Moving my friendship with Megan to the sleepover friend level, playing tarot cards and crystals!
- Roasting marshmallows over a fire. Further proving my lifelong curse: only attracting smoke and assholes.
- Watching the “Who Pooped the Bed?” episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
- Some guy stranger from namelessdatingwebsite just sent me a message saying, “I may even be able to show you things to hold back your gag reflex.” Let’s hear it for oral sex jokes before knowing each others names!
- Britney Spears’ new song, “Womanizer.” Stop judging me!
Categories:All About Pants, grams, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, list, too bad I don't have mental health coverage
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Did anyone else have a particularly crap Monday this week? Mine was so disappointing, especially after an unbelievably upbeat weekend.
My math teacher is in the habit of hanging on to our homework and tests FOREVER. So long, that I asked whether or not we would be receiving any of them back (he’s yet to return ANY of our homework). We took test #3 before receiving test #2 back. Turns out I totally bombed test #2, which would have been really fucking nice to know before taking test #3. Especially since math is a subject where concepts build upon one another and now I’m freaked out that I may have bombed the most recent test (which I wouldn’t fucking know because he hasn’t graded mine yet…though he did grade the majority of the rest of the class – WTF man?!), when I could have worked on misunderstood concepts if my teacher wasn’t so fucking lazy, and did his goddamned job.
I spent the better part of the morning feeling really crushed and did a semi-decent amount of crying. (Thank god for clear mascara gel – not that it mattered by the end of the day because even though my lashes looked pretty good, I still looked like someone had punched me in the face and rubbed lemon juice into my eyes.)
My dismal math scores led me to the (very adult, very disappointing) decision to cancel my trip to St. George this weekend. I seriously need to buckle down and do a sick amount of studying and I know that I won’t be able to do that if I’m out of town, having fun, as planned with Stephanie. Even though I know I need to stay home, I’m so bummed I can hardly stand it. While talking it over with my sister I started bawling. While breaking the news to Stephanie I started bawling. While thinking about it in the car I started bawling. (Notice a pattern?)
I just feel like shit for disappointing Stephanie. We haven’t seen each other since the 4th of July and we’re both lonely for each other. I hate this. I’m hoping today will be better and I’ll feel like less of a failure – in school and my personal life. The general ick of yesterday began to seep into other aspects of my life and suddenly I was an insecure cotton-headed ninny muggin. And it was about shit that I have NOTHING to worry about. Sometimes I really hate having feelings.
Now come on, commiserate with me about your shitty Monday and help me feel better, would ya?
Categories:Assholes, I've had better mornings, crap, frumpasaurus, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, too bad I don't have mental health coverage
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