Pants, pants, PANTS! » I miss sleeping

February Spring Cleaning

Pants — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 19:39:46 +0000

1. I HATE it when crumbs stick to my feet.
2. How the hell does this household not have a broom?
3. I am going to cut myself if I forget to buy a broom the next time I leave this house.
4. It looks like an obsessive compulsive disorder spider monkey cleaned the fuck out of my kitchen.
5. It looks like that OCD spider monkey’s slow brother organized this kitchen. Uh-duuuuh.
6. Well, it used to look like that slow monkey organized this kitchen.
7. Of course I’d rather be cleaning and organizing shit instead of sleeping at 5:00AM.
8. How do black skid marks get in the middle of the refrigerator door?
9. I am no longer have fear in my heart when I look at the microwave.
10. Clorox Wipes are my friend.
11. Cactus shaped margarita glasses are ugly as FUCK.
12. I threw away more than 20 random, dirty, mismatched pieces of Tupperware that belonged to the old FILTHY roommate.
13. When my boyfriend woke up he said, “You are like a cleaning ninja!”
14. When our roommate woke up he said, “SERIOUSLY, who cleans BEHIND the microwave?!”
15. I’m ready to make guacamole and black bean salsa for the Super Bowl…just as soon as I clean up after whatever the roommate left in his breakfast wake.

Fuck Monday

Pants — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 19:40:22 +0000

I bombed my bio test. Boo.
Daytrotter is an awesome website to discover new Indie music. Especially if you lost your entire iTunes library when your hard drive went boom.
Really bummed about that stupid bio test. May reward myself for not crying about it with a milkshake.
In internet dating news: I’m communicating with a few decent (seeming) men. Haven’t met anyone in person, nor has anyone declared their penis small. Quite an accomplishment!
Decided to go ahead and make the trip to the bay area next weekend. Excited to see my family and friends…hopefully the rest of the week goes by smoother than it started.
Last week I decided if Algebra were Star Wars my teacher would be a Jedi. Today I decided he’s a Sith Lord after spending 160 minutes solving twelve systems of equations. I regularly leave class with LESS knowledge than I began. FUCK.
I mentioned in a post last week that I named an asshole in a creative writing story after an ex-boyfriend. The next assignment from my teacher requires I keep that asshole in the story and award him full custody of an infant. Which is great, because I made him a DRUG DEALER. Can’t decide if I should write him out of the story with a shooting, overdose, arrest involving drugs, an arrest involving drugs and CPS, or all of the above. You might think I’m taking a class on writing Lifetime TV mini-series…and you would be right! It’s the only class I’m acing right now. So hooray for soap operas.
The other day I watched a guy tell a woman how beautiful she was, as he walked by. So distracted by her beauty, he didn’t pay attention to where he was walking and he walked straight into a pillar. Fucking awesome.
I got so mad at a shitty-ass teenage driver on Saturday night when she (unsuccessfully) tried to pass me and got stuck next to me (after tailing me sofuckingclose I couldn’t even see her headlights for 10 minutes), that I yelled “You drive like a spoiled piece of shit!” When her passenger started to yell back, I told her she was a “Fucking cunt.” Which marks my official transformation into a crazy old lady who will yell at kids to get off my mother fucking lawn. And I have the T-shirt to prove it. Interesting, I was wearing it during the road rage screaming match.
Time to go get that milkshake.

Note to Self

Pants — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 18:14:59 +0000

Stop leaving fruit on the front seat of your car while you’re in class because boiling lava hot apricots, bananas and plums are nasty.

Only in Utah

Pants — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 08:20:30 +0000

I received a postcard from a friend last week that said, “I pretend you’re on a really long vacation…it is easier that way.” It made me cry a little, but I’m trying to keep the same mindset.

Here are a few awesome things, unique to Utah, that I’m putting in my Utah Vacation File…

My almost-two-year-old niece. She drew this super awesome picture of a “boogie” this week. Watching her grow blows my mind.

Old school bff, Stephanie; we’ve been friends for twenty years! I love her butt. How freaking cute are her kids?

Religious stickers at the grocery store. No explanation necessary.

Theatrical releases of Mormon movies. The Errand of Angels will be in theaters shortly. I don’t know much about it…other than it’s about sister missionaries and watching it would make me vomit. This doesn’t seem to bother people who’ve lived here for a long time, but I find it FUCKING WEIRD. All sorts of creepy religious movies and my motherfucking zombies are no where to be found? Total crap.

Freaky modest clothing shops for people who need longer sleeves and less legs. So much better than the alternative Ho’s in Training shops I’m used to in California.

My Grandma.

Cheap Holly Hobbie rip off stenciled public restrooms.

Religious statues, ripe for the molesting!

My parent’s cat…who has become my cat. My jewelry, pacifier, tampon thieving cat. He is so damn naughty.

Dang, Fetch, Oh My Heck, What the Holy Scrud?

Pants — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 06:51:00 +0000

I just finished typing a rough draft of my “wonder” paper (whatever the fuck ever that is), stapled the prerequisite three copies together for tomorrow’s peering and realized I neglected to reference essays assigned by my racist, no-example-giving, professor.

Thank god for Milli Vanilli!