“Smoking.”

“Yuck! Stop smoking. It’s so unattractive.”

“What does it matter to you? You’re not attracted to me anyway.”

“I’d finger bang you.”

“No, you wouldn’t. You’re such a liar.”

“I know, vaginas are gross. They look like hatchet wounds. I’d totally throw up.”

Faced with the prospect of superfluous quality time with my cat and Lifetime Television, I have devised the ultimate broken hearted girl’s survival guide.

1. Get your lonely heart a gay boyfriend. Stat!

2. Meet him for coffee and let him buy you a slice of mocha, meringue, chocolate cake. Listen to him say things like, “I can’t eat that because I’ll get fat but I totally want to watch you eat it. Yes, REALLY!”
3. Be ready for more…”The best thing you’ve ever eaten? EAT. SLOWER.”
4. Laugh, laugh, then laugh some more. Damn he’s fucking fun to be with.
5. Agree to go to stop by the gay bar for “just one drink” even if you’re wearing a prudish shirt and rubber soled Hush Puppy loafers with socks.
6. Don’t let that prudish shirt and rubber soled Hush Puppy loafers with socks stop you from having a good time.
7. Allow your gay boyfriend to introduce you to his fabulous little friend (who for the remainder of the list we will call Pretty Young Thang, aka PYT).
8. Resist the urge to tell questioning bar patrons that your gay boyfriend is your fiance when they ask if you two are a couple. Unless you see him mouth, “Yuck. TOO OLD.” Then the gloves are off.
9. Hold hands with PYT, allow him to pull you through the crowded dance floor, turn around and holler above the music, “Damn girl. I hope you don’t mind me saying so but your boobs are huge!”
10. Giggle and laugh when PYT grabs a handful of your boobs, especially since he’s the only guy who will be grabbing your boobs for some time. Unless you count your cat spooning you as male contact.
11. Let that smile continue to build when a handful of pretty men on the patio compliment your ass. If there’s a place to get an honest assessment of your ba-donka-dunk, it’s just before last call at the gay bar. That much liquor and god knows what pills…they couldn’t lie if they wanted to.
12. Enjoy how much better gay men smell than straight dudes. This is what heaven smells like.
13. Allow PYT to take you by the hand when you’re scared to use the bathroom alone because of the insanely large crowd of people who are waiting in line and staring at the numerous pairs of feet in the occupied stalls.
14. Politely decline your PYT’s offer to go pee in the same stall together but offer to hold his Adios Motherfucker while he pees. Have a few sips of his cocktail, you’ll need liquid courage to urinate under these conditions.
15. Swing your feet back and forth, smiling when PYT tells you that you don’t look thirty-two.
16. When PYT asks how old you think he is, reply “twenty-two.” Watch him continue to throw an over exaggerated fit and scream, “TWENTY-TWO?! Seriously? What’s wrong with nineteen? I WANT TO BE IN MY TEENS! TEENS! Huh? Oh yeah, I’m twenty-three.”
17. Explain the details of your most recent break up, when prompted. Gloat when PYT freaks out and exclaims, “Who would dump you?! Oh no honey, we’re gonna find you a real man.”
18. Beam when your mention of Golden Girls is met with mutual love and adoration of those around you.
19. Continue smiling when PYT says, “I like you. I get a good aura from you.” and waves his hands around your head in a circle.
20. Follow PYT across the dance floor, take you by the hand and pull you onto the stage, then maul you like a hot little escort to a dance mix of Paula Abdul’s shitty new song and only wish it were “Opposites Attract” for 10% of your stage time.