This week I listened to the cassette tape my astrologist gave me of my birthday session. She basically laid out the next year, giving me an idea of what to expect. Note to self: listening to what you’re going to be doing for the next year, seven months AFTER the fact isn’t very helpful. I took some notes and will be sure to do that earlier next year. It’s amazing how accurate the session has proved.
Some people think your (actual) birthday determines the next year. If I’d known that, I would have spent my birthday a little differently. It wasn’t BAD, per say, just nothing I care to repeat for an entire year. The Cliffs Notes version of my birthday…
· Spent most of the day in bed watching a Law & Order marathon, in deep procrastination.
· Had dinner with my family.
· Watched my mother try and con us into burning an old flag because it was the “respectful” thing to do. HOLY WHAT THE FUCK?! There are SO many things that are wrong with this…but let’s start with the fact that flags don’t freaking burn: they are fire retardant. To accomplish such a “respectful” task, an old flag requires soaking in lighter fluid (or some such bullshit) beforehand. My mother skipped this step in favor of lighters and candles. The only substantial outcome, other than a polyester fume high and a few small burnt spots (on the flag), was my poor sister having a piece of polyester burnt into her skin. (That’s what you get for trying to help your mother!)
· Started writing my paper around 9:30PM.
· Received a phone call from the guy I was seeing around 10:00PM, who I later discovered, just wasn’t that into me.
You can bet your sweet ass I’ll not be procrastinating on my next birthday or burning ANYTHING with my family. I will be having the best day ever. It will include being totally on top of my school work and lots of awesome sex with a man (not a boy, or guy) who respects me and worships the fucking ground I walk on. I am over the year of procrastination and boys who don’t measure up.
Categories:Club Celibacy, I have more batteries for my vibrators than Too $hort h, birthday, boys are the dumb, cobwebs in my privates?, emotional impotency is not hawt, hell is for single people, my milkshake brings all the hobos to the yard
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September 30th, 2008 · 25 Comments
One of the guys was communicating with on namelessdatingwebsite told me that he doesn’t believe in love. My response was something like WHAT THE FUCK?!
Seriously, who hits up women on dating websites and woos them with their apathetic attitude toward love? Whatthefuckever.
In other news, I’ve decided I would never have money problems again if every ex-boyfriend who contacted me paid some sort of fee/fine. It appears I’m that girl: the girl who boys profess their love, kindness, and appreciation to AFTER we’re done dating. Thanks a fucking lot guys! I sincerely hope one of the handful of men I’m communicating with right now will appreciate me for all my sassy glory before we’ve broken up. When I asked my friend Steph how to go about charging ex-boyfriends the “I was wrong about you fee” she suggested I make each new guy sign a contract when we first start dating. Lawyers? Help! 
Categories:Assholes, Club Celibacy, I have more batteries for my vibrators than Too $hort h, boys are the dumb, cobwebs in my privates?, emotional impotency is not hawt, hell is for single people
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I had to get up and leave the area where I was studying because this guy sitting near me was so cute that I could barely breathe, let alone remember the difference between Homo habilis and Homo erectus. He looked like a cute, twenty-something, Billy Bob Thornton. Damn him and his cuteness for making me feel like a perverted old freak.
Categories:I have more batteries for my vibrators than Too $hort h, cobwebs in my privates?, getting my learn on, hell is for single people
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My thirteen-year-old niece is in town for church camp. When my sister called to see how she was doing, she told her mom that I took her clubbing the night before. My heart nearly beat out of my chest when she said I took her drinking and then drove us around. There’s hope for her yet!
My almost-two-year-old niece’s favorite topic of the week is my juggs. (Yes, I called my boobs juggs.) She says my name, hold her hands above her head and yells, “Boobies bid!” Which translates to I have huge boobies. My sister said she’s been talking about them when they’re at home and I’m not around. Lucky me!
I’m a little sad that I didn’t buy chastity sweats. Damn, they’re cute! I would feel awkward when my dad, inevitably, would ask about the writing on my butt. Nothing says I’m saving it like silk screened junk in da trunk, right? By saving it, I mean dishing it out to the next guy who’s decent enough to help me break the rules and regulations of Club Celibacy. Here’s to hoping the next guy I date doesn’t appear as a member of a teen pron chat group in a Google search. I’m not gonna close up shop till marriage or anything, because that could be a VERY LONG TIME. And let’s face it; even with a drawer full of battery charged goodness I don’t have that kind of patience.
How was your weekend?
Categories:All About Pants, Club Celibacy, I have more batteries for my vibrators than Too $hort h, big ol' butt, boys are the dumb, cobwebs in my privates?
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Tonight over pizza and drinks with Megatropolis (thank you!), we discovered that we share a common dating problem: death of a relationship by birth control. It’s happened to me with my last two boyfriends. When I’m all “good,” ready to rock and roll on birth control, the relationship takes a nose dive.
Has anyone else had this problem? Surely Megatropolis and I aren’t the only two who’ve suffered from the birth control curse.
Another dating problem I’ve encountered: I’m ready to date, only I’m not ready to date here. I don’t want to date anyone in Utah (insert bitching about weird Utah dating scene), which is pretty fucking inconvenient, considering I’m officially a Utahrd.
Categories:I have more batteries for my vibrators than Too $hort h, boys are the dumb, cobwebs in my privates?, emotional impotency is not hawt, hell is for single people
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Normally I’m opposed to memes…but when faced with the offer to break down my three categories of Doing-It songs, there’s nothing I’d rather do! Except for maybe actually Doing-It…but I’ve decided to remove myself from the dating shelf, for the time being, so I can give my heart and head a chance to heal while I burn through that nightstand full of batteries.
You can find rules for crafting your own Doing-It play list over at Crystal’s. On with the musical hump-track!
Category I: Dry Humping Songs (Songs 6-15 on your set list)
Who doesn’t like a little dry humping? And I do mean a little, I’m not interested in excessive bruising or forceful denim penetration.
6. Kiss You All Over – Exile This song is so bad, it’s good. Plus, it’s a nice warm up song, before you get to serious, pre-soakin-it, hard-core dry-humpin’.
7. Kiss Me Deadly – Lita Ford I have unfulfilled seventh grade fantasies featuring this song…
8. Silent Lucidity – Queensryche Another for the unresolved issues pile…
9. Catch – The Cure This is the quintessential dry hump song…even though it felt soft at the time, I always seemed to wake up sore.
10. When Your Minds Made Up – The Swell Season
11. On the Radio – Regina Spektor Nothing makes me wanna pretend-hump myself into hysteria like a song about the end of the world.
12. Everything That Rises Must Converge – The Handsome Family No description necessary.
13. Love Like We Do – Edie Brickell & the New Bohemians
14. Easy – Faith No More I realize this qualifies as a breakup song, read into that what you will…
15. Paper Tiger – Beck See above comment.
Category II: Getting to Know Each Other Sexy Time Songs (Songs 15-23)
This is for when you finally start doing it, but aren’t comfortable enough with each other to really let your hair down and tell them know about your slapping/choking/doodoofeces fetish.
16. Son of a Preacher Man – Dusty Springfield
17. Paper Airplanes – M.I.A.
18. Island in the Sun – Weezer
19. Keep the Car Running – Neon Bible
20. Blame It On the Tetons – Modest Mouse
21. Last Kiss – Pearl Jam Untimely death? Who doesn’t want to fuck when they listen to this?
22. Sea of Love – Cat Powers
23. I Do – Edie Brickel
Category III: Balls to the Wall Boning Songs (Songs 23-35, or depending on the guy 23-23.5…having dated a 23-23.5 guy, I can attest to the uselessness of Trojan Extended Climax condoms). These are after you’ve known each other for a good 6 months and are comfortable enough to make hardly legal requests, call each other disrespectful names and establish safety words.
24. Cut Me Up – Har Mar Superstar
25. I Got a Man – Positive K
26. Sex Appeal – Sexy Sushi
27. We Are the Ones – The Coup
28. The Way I Are – Timbaland
29. Clone Fucker – Schaffer the Darklord Yeah, yeah, I’m a little all over the place. Yeah, yeah, the beginning of this song makes fun of the previous song. I’m one big contradiction.
30. Professor Booty – Beastie Boys
31. We Care A Lot – Faith No More
32. You Can Do It – Ice Cube
33. D’Angelo’s entire Voodoo album
34. Our God Is an Awesome God Only brought up as a threat when something I’m STRONGLY opposed to is begged for, i.e., a strap-on.
35. Smoke Rings – Jon Rauhouse Need something to cool down with after all that (insert filthy sexual reference of choice here).
Categories:I have more batteries for my vibrators than Too $hort h, list
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I had an ex-boyfriend start up with text messages this weekend. It’s been a year and a half since we broke up. He seems to contact me at least once (via, email or text) every six months. Like a good girl, who cares about her head and heart, I don’t respond. But he continues to contact me.
What will finally make him give up? Perhaps nothing, until he’s turned me into a skin suit that he wears while he sits on his piece of shit couch, getting high, drinking light beer and playing Xbox live.
Categories:I have more batteries for my vibrators than Too $hort h, I’ve lost that loving feeling, boys are the dumb, emotional impotency is not hawt, hell is for single people
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I’ve joined a new dating website, at the suggestion of a friend. It’s been interesting so far, but mostly because I’m forwarding things to my friend with messages like, “My milkshake brings all the oldies to the yard!” Or the ever popular, “I know it’ll be hard but try not to touch yourself when you see how hot this guy is (not).”
Since witnessing some of the horrific attention I receive on the internets my friend suggested I write a book about dating and the men (freaks) who are into me; he says it’ll be a best seller. Maybe if the dating memoir market is keen to the type of singledom details that make a person yearn for the simplicity of celibacy.
Some highlights thus far include:
Someone complimenting my green eyes, which is kind of weird, because my eyes are waaaaaay blue.
I am gold to the forty to fifty-something, snowmobiling, huntin’ crowd. If I were to move I could like totally be the Kelly Taylor of Ketchum, Idaho.
For the love of God and all that isn’t holy, stop posting shirtless profile pictures! Especially creepy shower shots. Welcome to my thought process:
The shower? Really? That is so weird. Did he take that nasty picture of himself all soaped up with a time delay and camera perched on the edge of the sink? Or is this the fruit of his most recent creepy love affair? Maybe his roommate took it? Ew. Next!
I got my first proposition from a married dude with an eight inch cock who is happy to send me “pictures” (choking back vomit). He’s free to meet “anytime morning, afternoon or evening and almost any day; even now.” Desperate much? There are so many levels of wrong it’s difficult to know where to start – but I’m going out on a ledge and begin with the fact that he’s MARRIED! And he did everything short of arrange a BDSM safety word. Disgusting much?
It’s a good thing I have a night stand full of batteries.
Categories:Assholes, I have more batteries for my vibrators than Too $hort h, hell is for single people, my milkshake brings all the hobos to the yard
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September 28th, 2007 · No Comments
Last night I went to a singles event with Sarah. I shaved my legs and Sarah washed her hair…for absolutely nothing.
I thought the highlight of our evening was eating Mexi-Fries® (tater tots) in the food court, until I stopped at the gas station on my way home.
While standing at the cash register, a man ran to the back of the store so fast he must have had a fire in his pants. The cashier hollered to him that there were no public restrooms. Fire pants guy grumpily asked where there was a nearby public restroom.
As I was pumping gas, fire pants guy picked up on me. Turns out I didn’t wash my legs for nothing. Kidding! Sarah thanked me for not hooking up with mister fire pants guy, as did my healthy vagina.
Categories:I have more batteries for my vibrators than Too $hort h, Utahrds, cobwebs in my privates?, hell is for single people, my milkshake brings all the hobos to the yard
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