Entries Tagged as 'hell is for single people'
This week I listened to the cassette tape my astrologist gave me of my birthday session. She basically laid out the next year, giving me an idea of what to expect. Note to self: listening to what you’re going to be doing for the next year, seven months AFTER the fact isn’t very helpful. I took some notes and will be sure to do that earlier next year. It’s amazing how accurate the session has proved.
Some people think your (actual) birthday determines the next year. If I’d known that, I would have spent my birthday a little differently. It wasn’t BAD, per say, just nothing I care to repeat for an entire year. The Cliffs Notes version of my birthday…
· Spent most of the day in bed watching a Law & Order marathon, in deep procrastination.
· Had dinner with my family.
· Watched my mother try and con us into burning an old flag because it was the “respectful” thing to do. HOLY WHAT THE FUCK?! There are SO many things that are wrong with this…but let’s start with the fact that flags don’t freaking burn: they are fire retardant. To accomplish such a “respectful” task, an old flag requires soaking in lighter fluid (or some such bullshit) beforehand. My mother skipped this step in favor of lighters and candles. The only substantial outcome, other than a polyester fume high and a few small burnt spots (on the flag), was my poor sister having a piece of polyester burnt into her skin. (That’s what you get for trying to help your mother!)
· Started writing my paper around 9:30PM.
· Received a phone call from the guy I was seeing around 10:00PM, who I later discovered, just wasn’t that into me.
You can bet your sweet ass I’ll not be procrastinating on my next birthday or burning ANYTHING with my family. I will be having the best day ever. It will include being totally on top of my school work and lots of awesome sex with a man (not a boy, or guy) who respects me and worships the fucking ground I walk on. I am over the year of procrastination and boys who don’t measure up.
Categories:birthday, boys are the dumb, Club Celibacy, cobwebs in my privates?, emotional impotency is not hawt, hell is for single people, I have more batteries for my vibrators than Too $hort h, my milkshake brings all the hobos to the yard
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I am sick to fucking death of dating. Not that I’ll be stopping anytime soon, because I was raised in a (loving) dysfunctional household and I don’t know when to say when.
A few months ago I had an interesting conversation with my dad about dating. (Weird, I know.) He said the shitty part about internet dating is that you don’t have a “real” connection with the people you are meeting*. Well, except that you both pay to meet people on the internet. All you can do is cross your fingers people are genuine because you aren’t going to see them again through mutual friends, or run into them at some shared activity. There is no accountability. Don’t want to talk to someone anymore? Pretend they don’t exist. The end! I’m guilty of this, as well. Sometimes it seems silence is more kind…which leaves me wondering: what the fuck happened to make (insert name of anyone interesting I’ve dated since moving to stupid fucking God’s Country) disappear? I feel like I have been doing a pretty good job of not being the crazy girl. My boundaries have improved. I’m not fucking each dude within the first 20 minutes (I’m all way up to 40 minutes of conversation before sex in the Starbucks bathroom). And I wait at least 5 minutes AFTER sex before I profess my love for him, tell him I want to have a million of his babies, and that I can’t wait for him to meet my cat.
Communicating with men via dating websites the appropriate amount of time, graduating to personal email or phone, then eventually in person is exhausting. Especially when you meet and you immediately know it’s not gonna happen. Whether it’s because he’s educated to fucking infinity but has yet to discover the joys of deodorant, freaking you the fuck out by attempting to destroy all the boundaries you’ve set (HELLO! Red flag d-bag!), or you’d rather tongue kiss your cat. All of which makes it more frustrating when seemingly decent men disappear.
Does anyone know who Random Carol is? ? I’ve been receiving referrals from her, but her blog is private.
And to the person who is coming here by way of a “what to ask to my future husband” Google search, you are in the wrong place. (I don’t know why I’m the second result either.) If you continue to return, I may be forced to write a list of things to ask the lucky fucker.
*I hate it when my dad is right.
Categories:boys are the dumb, Club Celibacy, cobwebs in my privates?, confession, emotional impotency is not hawt, fucking paradise, hell is for single people, it's called sarcasm, I’ve lost that loving feeling, my milkshake brings all the hobos to the yard, obviously crazy to leave the bay area, The Crazy
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Tonight I’m having drinks with a guy who is looking for short dynamic relationships. What exactly DOES short dynamic relationship mean?! Is it a nice way to say, “Who wants to sit on my lap?!” Or another word for one-night stand? Does it refer to whatever base he wants to get to? Or could it be a description of his penis? So many questions!
Categories:hell is for single people
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September 30th, 2008 · 25 Comments
One of the guys was communicating with on namelessdatingwebsite told me that he doesn’t believe in love. My response was something like WHAT THE FUCK?!
Seriously, who hits up women on dating websites and woos them with their apathetic attitude toward love? Whatthefuckever.
In other news, I’ve decided I would never have money problems again if every ex-boyfriend who contacted me paid some sort of fee/fine. It appears I’m that girl: the girl who boys profess their love, kindness, and appreciation to AFTER we’re done dating. Thanks a fucking lot guys! I sincerely hope one of the handful of men I’m communicating with right now will appreciate me for all my sassy glory before we’ve broken up. When I asked my friend Steph how to go about charging ex-boyfriends the “I was wrong about you fee” she suggested I make each new guy sign a contract when we first start dating. Lawyers? Help! 
Categories:Assholes, boys are the dumb, Club Celibacy, cobwebs in my privates?, emotional impotency is not hawt, hell is for single people, I have more batteries for my vibrators than Too $hort h
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September 24th, 2008 · 33 Comments
I have been going back and forth, trying to decide if I should share an online dating jewel with y’all. After a little discussion with some friends and family, I realize it’s toofuckinggood not to share.
Yesterday I received this email, by way of nameless dating service, from a 59 year old man:
“Have you ever considered going out with an older man?”
He also included a link to a personal website (which I am not posting to protect the innocent guilty save my own ass).
On this oh-so-lovely webpage, there was a picture of the gentleman (Exhibit A) and A LOT of poetry. I immediately thought of Nick Nolte’s mugshot (Exhibit B). Though I think Stefanie deserves an award for recognizing similarities with The Dude (Big Lebowski, Exhibit C). Don’t believe me? See for yourself.
Exhibit A
Exhibit B
Exhibit C.
Rather than post a gajillion pieces of poetry, I will share two of my favorite snippets.
she was deeply cut
bled out
it took a long time to heal
pity
WOW. Cut deeply? Bled out? Bring on the skin suit! Let us get to a remote location ASAP.
I would bring you gifts of flowers
to make a garland for your hair
I suppose that would be preferable to boyfriends who forget my birthday or “don’t believe” in Valentine’s Day.
What is the best part about his webpage, you ask? Embedded Celtic music!
I sent this all of this to my sister, who frantically called to ask what on earth was going on. I explained he’s an older man who contacted me on namelessdatingwebsite. Then I said maybe I should consider responding and meeting up with him. He’s the same age as our parents, so that would (obviously) be great; they would have so much in common! Plus, there’s the sweet music and gentle poetry. When I told her that I thought his ears would smell fantastic and I couldn’t wait to have like 100 of his babies, my sister drew the line: “Don’t you EVER say that again. It’s so gross you just made my uterus throw up.”
Categories:going to hell, hell is for single people, holy rad, it's called sarcasm, OH MY HORRORS
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I had to get up and leave the area where I was studying because this guy sitting near me was so cute that I could barely breathe, let alone remember the difference between Homo habilis and Homo erectus. He looked like a cute, twenty-something, Billy Bob Thornton. Damn him and his cuteness for making me feel like a perverted old freak.
Categories:cobwebs in my privates?, getting my learn on, hell is for single people, I have more batteries for my vibrators than Too $hort h
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- It’s a good thing this week is short because I don’t think I could handle five days like today.
- I would love to do something about my terribly misshapen haircut and disgusting roots but that requires money. BOO!
- I still don’t know how I’m going to buy my last text book.
- Burst into tears (thank god, ALONE, in my car) just before work.
- I am a cotton headed ninny muggin.
- I could eat an entire box of feelings macaroni and cheese right now. Good thing I’m broke so I can’t make that happen! Which is sad because I’m pretty sure mac n’ cheese is all of two cents.
- Saved by a co-worker: I almost had to choose between a binder clip and two plastic knives (as chopsticks) to eat my spinach salad for lunch.
- Went for a six hour hike with my dad on Saturday that covered a ridiculous amount of elevation. He chose the hike, but I got really worried about halfway through, when it was too late to do anything about climbing (and then down) the dry rock creek bed.
- One drink after hiking for 6 hours will turn you crazy. Fun crazy, but crazy.
- It’s a good thing I don’t have internet access from my cell, otherwise I’d probably have posted a personal ad to craigslist, penned by my vagina.
- Chocolate fountains are fun.
- Finding this t-shirt made my day. Not that I can buy it, but just knowing it’s there makes my day. The Onion rules.
Categories:getting my learn on, hell is for single people, I've had better mornings, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, I’ve lost that loving feeling, list, OH MY HORRORS, too bad I don't have mental health coverage, too busy, Uncategorized
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Awesome Ing wrote a post about dating. You should go read it HERE.
Ing’s perspective is very familiar. I’ve have had relationships here and there. Some long, some shorter. I understand the pressure of friends and loved ones wanting me to be with someone. I can particularly relate to what she wrote about her mother. My mother also believes that not finding someone to marry and have babies with is so horrible it’s just shy of a terminal disease. She tries not to pressure me, but I can still feel it. It’s not done maliciously; she just wants me to be happy. But it’s still a lot pressure for a girl.
I would love to meet someone to share my life with; I have wondered if that will really happen for me. This is not a pity party; it’s my life. I am not under the delusion of waiting for The One because I don’t believe in The One. It is bullshit to think there is only one person for everyone. I happen to think there are many options out there for all of us. I think it’s more likely a matter of finding someone whose baggage is the right weight, so you can help each other shoulder the bullshit of life.
When I read this I almost fell out of my chair.
“…sometimes I wonder if men and women are suited for each other at all.”
Crossing my fingers that I’ll find one of my many possibilities…hoping the most valued relationship in my life is eventually not my cat; though he’s damn fucking cute.
Categories:boys are the dumb, cobwebs in my privates?, copy cat, emotional impotency is not hawt, hell is for single people, jack jack, Uncategorized
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I just received this in an email from my GRANDMA.
I was sorry to hear that your romance did not work out after all but somehow I think you need this time to get yourself settled. So glad that Utah didn’t turn out so bad after all. LOL
LOL your romance didn’t work out? Are you fucking kidding me? LOL?!!!
Categories:hell is for single people
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Today Jack Jack sat in front of me begging for popcorn like a dog. When I shooed him away, he sulked off to chew the cord on my space heater. After a some yelling and hissing sounds he settled down for some pouting. Then he army crawled across the floor of my bedroom and started chewing on my new shoes. BAH!
I wonder if when I’m a crazy ol’ cat, I’ll have a “pack” of cat-dogs? That’d be kind of cool. It would really add to the Golden Girls theme my friend Stephanie and I intend to create when we’re older. Steph’s sister will be addicted to soap operas, Steph is going to be a chain smoker and I’m to be the crazy ol’ cat lady who yells at kids to get off our lawn. There will be a large porch with three rocking chairs and I will teach them how to knit. The best part about our little plan? I’m planning my living arrangements for after my husband’s death and I haven’t even met him. Ha ha…I wish he’d hurry up.
Categories:friends, hell is for single people, jack jack, Meow
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