I ran across this frightening treasure in a local thrift store. For those of you who aren’t aware of what “Family Home Evening” is, it’s time that you set aside on Monday night to spend with your family…usually a church lesson and some songs or games. It sounds like a nice idea, right? But maybe not EXACTLY as depicted in this little picture.

Yesterday I received this email, by way of nameless dating service, from a 59 year old man:

“Have you ever considered going out with an older man?”

He also included a link to a personal website (which I am not posting to protect the innocent guilty save my own ass).

On this oh-so-lovely webpage, there was a picture of the gentleman (Exhibit A) and A LOT of poetry. I immediately thought of Nick Nolte’s mugshot (Exhibit B). Though I think Stefanie deserves an award for recognizing similarities with The Dude (Big Lebowski, Exhibit C). Don’t believe me? See for yourself.

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Exhibit C.

Rather than post a gajillion pieces of poetry, I will share two of my favorite snippets.

she was deeply cut
bled out
it took a long time to heal
pity

WOW. Cut deeply? Bled out? Bring on the skin suit! Let us get to a remote location ASAP.

I would bring you gifts of flowers
to make a garland for your hair

I suppose that would be preferable to boyfriends who forget my birthday or “don’t believe” in Valentine’s Day.

What is the best part about his webpage, you ask? Embedded Celtic music!

I sent this all of this to my sister, who frantically called to ask what on earth was going on. I explained he’s an older man who contacted me on namelessdatingwebsite. Then I said maybe I should consider responding and meeting up with him. He’s the same age as our parents, so that would (obviously) be great; they would have so much in common! Plus, there’s the sweet music and gentle poetry. When I told her that I thought his ears would smell fantastic and I couldn’t wait to have like 100 of his babies, my sister drew the line: “Don’t you EVER say that again. It’s so gross you just made my uterus throw up.”