Steph collects cookie jars so I was extremely excited when I found her THE COOLEST COOKIE JAR ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH. It’s too fucking awesome to ship it because I would literally die if it were hurt in the process. So Stephanie will have this picture to get excited about until I’m able to deliver it in person.

Super Happy Birthday wishes Stephanie. Love you madly, hope the next month goes by quickly!!! xoxo

Your heart has to be incredibly black not to dig Willy Wonka. Especially when performed entirely by children.

Why do they have to close at 11:00pm?

Confession: I’m about to go all granola. Please shake some sense into me if I start sporting a giant turd of a dreadlock.

First half of Sunday. Vintage Coats & Clarke pattern found here.

Second half of Sunday. Embroidery has become my favorite addiction. Vintage Coats & Clarke’s pattern found here.

Here are a few awesome things, unique to Utah, that I’m putting in my Utah Vacation File…

My almost-two-year-old niece. She drew this super awesome picture of a “boogie” this week. Watching her grow blows my mind.

Old school bff, Stephanie; we’ve been friends for twenty years! I love her butt. How freaking cute are her kids?

Religious stickers at the grocery store. No explanation necessary.

Theatrical releases of Mormon movies. The Errand of Angels will be in theaters shortly. I don’t know much about it…other than it’s about sister missionaries and watching it would make me vomit. This doesn’t seem to bother people who’ve lived here for a long time, but I find it FUCKING WEIRD. All sorts of creepy religious movies and my motherfucking zombies are no where to be found? Total crap.

Freaky modest clothing shops for people who need longer sleeves and less legs. So much better than the alternative Ho’s in Training shops I’m used to in California.

My Grandma.

Cheap Holly Hobbie rip off stenciled public restrooms.

Religious statues, ripe for the molesting!

My parent’s cat…who has become my cat. My jewelry, pacifier, tampon thieving cat. He is so damn naughty.

It all started with “real” (alcohol percentage) beer from California which I alternated with “water”…also known as light beer. Then came the sip of Jager from someone’s Carl’s Jr. cup, no ice. That is some hardcore shit, yo! But that was just a sip. Then there were the Goldschlager shots. I can testify to the cinnamon-y goodness being a wee bit over powering. But Diet Mountain Dew seemed to really help that issue. Yes, I just admitted to shooting Goldschläger and Diet Mountain Dew. God bless Utah and their inaccessibility of booze that make booze so appealing!

We played Apples to Apples which is now my favorite new game OF EVER. I laughed so hard I almost wet my pants on their living room floor.

My favorite quote of the night was when Chris yelled, “Somebody get in here and give me a sponge bath!” It is impossible not to love that. IMPOSSIBLE!

I was pretty pissed off at myself when I realized I had forgotten my camera. Luckily, Aimee brought hers, and I took about a million pictures with it. I’m sure the photos all really super awesome because my photographic abilities increase exponentially when I start taking shots. It’s too bad we weren’t able to get photographic evidence of the party that their next door neighbors were having. It was like mariachi band meets rave meets house party. It was SO LOUD! And big! I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a house party that big. And I used to live in Oakland, so I’ve seen some shit. Frankly, the loud ass party made me miss California. It was damn fun to watch and listen from Sue’s back patio.

Weekends like that make my many weekends of hermit-dom worth it. Who needs a boyfriend when I have such an incredibly hilarious adoptive family? Seriously love them stupid.

Luckily this is a short week and I only have four days till the next weekend. Yay!

Zanny: Oh wow! I may have to kick your butt.

Me: Afraid I may need it.

Zanny: Smoking all the time?

Me: Close.

Zanny: Got it. We need an intervention?

Me: Probably.

Me: That’s yes in denial-ese.

Zanny: OK. Expect a large Italian man with a baseball bat.

Me: How big is his penis?

Zanny: As big as the bat. He tucks it into his sock.

Me: OMG. I can’t wait!

Zanny: I figured that he could keep your mind off smoking.

Me: True dat.

Zanny: You thought I was going to have him cap your ass. Instead he’s going to spank it.

On my drive home I felt really drained and icky so I stopped at a park, laid in the grass and watched the clouds roll by.

Still feeling icky, solitary and borderline emotional, I did what any good emotional dummy does: I curled up in bed with my cat and watched an episode of Intervention. Bah. That show is one depressing motherfucker. But it did the trick. Then I took eighty-four pictures of my cat. (Yes, EIGHTY-FOUR.) I’d post a few of them, but WordPress hates me right now.

“The way that guy looked at me directly violated the rules of Club Celibacy.”

“Couldn’t shake me.”
“Just like my vagina.”

Why you comin home 5 in the mornnn
Somethins goin on, can I smell yo dick
Don’t play me like a fool, cause that ain’t cool
So wat u need to do is lemme smell yo dick

Real live polygamists at Walmarts!

“Nothing says ‘I love you’ like a shaved sack.”

“Know what sounds good?”
“VAGINA!”

“He thinks you’re cute.”
“That’s because I am cute.”

“It’s weird watching a cat lick his own butthole.”
“Mommm! What’s for dinner?”
“Buttholes!”
“I could really go for some buttholes.”

“I baked a cake for you. In my pants.”

“Remember when you made me reverse 1/2 a mile in my car for a ‘Dangerous Curves’ sign and I wrecked my car? Wait, that’s because it hasn’t happened yet.”