Pants, pants, PANTS! » fresh as a daisy

February Spring Cleaning

Pants — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 19:39:46 +0000

1. I HATE it when crumbs stick to my feet.
2. How the hell does this household not have a broom?
3. I am going to cut myself if I forget to buy a broom the next time I leave this house.
4. It looks like an obsessive compulsive disorder spider monkey cleaned the fuck out of my kitchen.
5. It looks like that OCD spider monkey’s slow brother organized this kitchen. Uh-duuuuh.
6. Well, it used to look like that slow monkey organized this kitchen.
7. Of course I’d rather be cleaning and organizing shit instead of sleeping at 5:00AM.
8. How do black skid marks get in the middle of the refrigerator door?
9. I am no longer have fear in my heart when I look at the microwave.
10. Clorox Wipes are my friend.
11. Cactus shaped margarita glasses are ugly as FUCK.
12. I threw away more than 20 random, dirty, mismatched pieces of Tupperware that belonged to the old FILTHY roommate.
13. When my boyfriend woke up he said, “You are like a cleaning ninja!”
14. When our roommate woke up he said, “SERIOUSLY, who cleans BEHIND the microwave?!”
15. I’m ready to make guacamole and black bean salsa for the Super Bowl…just as soon as I clean up after whatever the roommate left in his breakfast wake.

Just Like My Vagina is the New That’s What She Said

Pants — Sun, 25 May 2008 06:19:19 +0000

That’s all. Carry on.

Death by Girl Parts

Pants — Wed, 07 May 2008 21:40:00 +0000

Mom: What’s wrong?

Me: My ovaries are trying to kill me!

Mom: Period?

Me: Yes.

Mom: Oh honey, your ovaries are just gearing up for babies.

Me: Gross!

I Get So Emotional Baby

Pants — Wed, 17 Oct 2007 04:38:00 +0000

Dearest California,

I finally made my plane reservation! Next month we will be reunited, for an extended weekend.

I started a list of everything I miss about you…but it got really long (and depressing). It began to resemble the ad space at the back of high school year books that are full of useless acroynms, forgotten and meaningless shortly after graduation.

The Cliff Notes version is that I cannot wait to put my arms around all my loved ones! Oh the places we will go! The beach! San Francisco! And numerous bars with far less ridiculous drinking laws than Utah! Oh! My! The fun we will have!

Devotedly,

Pants

Pretty Soon He Will Have to Pay Rent

Pants — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 01:59:00 +0000

I suppose chewing weeds in the backyard is the buck equivalent of rent. He kicked it in the backyard for about and hour and a half today when I got home from spending money I should be saving.

I Can’t Help Myself

Pants — Tue, 17 Jul 2007 17:49:00 +0000

I am addicted to creating motivational posters.