Pants, pants, PANTS!

Pants, pants, PANTS! header image 4

Entries Tagged as 'cobwebs in my privates?'

Six Quirky Things Meme

May 19th, 2008 · No Comments

The lovely Sterkworks, aka Queen of Tongue-Ups, tagged me for a six quirky things meme. I think I may have done this meme before, but I’m too lazy too search for it and anyone who’s read more than two sentences here realizes I have way more than six quirky things to share about myself…

1. I used to save credit card offers and return the pre-paid response envelopes full of Penny Saver ads and other junk mail. I may have even sent dirt and rocks at some point.

2. I HATE hard boiled eggs. When I was fifteen months old my parents took me hiking (riding along in a baby back pack) to natural sulfur springs. I don’t remember it but my folks tell me that I pitched a royal fit and babbled incessantly about how filthy the smell was. It’s the one childhood food aversion I haven’t grown out of.

3. Lately I have been have nightmares about shaving my legs. Believe me, when you sit down next to Matthew Fox in a casino and he reaches for you leg…you’d want it to be smooth, too.

4. When I was seven years old my mom’s hairdresser told me about reincarnation. It completely FREAKED me out. I refused to change in front of our male cat because I thought he was my dead grandpa.

5. Not only am I a member of Club Celibacy, I’m the president!

6. The vet said it’s time for my fat-ass cat to got on a diet…he’s 16 1/2 pounds. I must admit, I was shocked when I found out how much he weighed; I thought surely he would be at least 20 pounds.

Categories:All About Pants, ancient history, cobwebs in my privates?, jack jack, Meow
Tagged:

Thank You For Being a Friend

April 18th, 2008 · No Comments

I’ve mentioned once or twice, or one hundred times, that I spend a lot of time with my cat. He helped me find this super awesome necklace on Etsy on Saturday night while we were watching the world premiere of a Lifetime movie. Yes, we planned our weekend around a Lifetime movie. Yes, my cat and I are a “we.” A girl has to keep her priorities in check! I have dreams of becoming the Dooce of Cat Blogs.


Then my new almost-real-friend suggested we meet up for a drink so we can become friends for realsies. He is aware that I currently have a strict no dating rule in effect, so he proposed we keep conversation strictly to which Golden Girl we’d sleep with, kill, or marry. I have a theory developed about this but can’t write about it publicly until the almost-real-friend and I iron out the details after he’s tricked me into a date disguised as a non-date-friend date.

The gloves are off. I am officially obsessed. I found myself singing the Golden Girls theme song for the better part of yesterday. And I sort of spent an unhealthy amount of time searching youtube for Golden Girls video clips.

Things I Have In Common With the Golden Girls

  1. We all have vaginas.
  2. I said this exact phrase to my sister today!
  3. They’re living my dream! I plan to spend my twilight years in the company of my BFF and her sister.
  4. They live someplace without a hideous winter. Someday, I hope to live someplace without a hideous winter!
  5. I’m not afraid to buy condoms (not that I need condoms, since rejoining Club Celibacy) but I had something similar happen to me once buying a six-pack of beer and some KY. Good to know I’m not the only one, thank you Golden Girls. Thank you for being my friend!

Confession: the Golden Girls them song once made me cry.

Thank you for being a friend
Traveled down the road and back again
Your heart is true you’re a pal and a confidant.

And if you through a party
Invited everyone you ever knew
You would see the biggest gift would be from me
And the card attached would say thank you for being a friend.

Also, I think this song would make the best karaoke song ever.

Categories:cobwebs in my privates?, Liftetime TV Network is the new pink, Meow
Tagged:

Securing My Place in the World: Transforming into a Crazy Old Cat Lady

April 10th, 2008 · No Comments

My next door neighbor’s (stray) cat (she bought a tent for and has been feeding for years) was attacked and killed by two foxes.

I would be heartbroken if I lost Jack Jack…even though I yelled “YOU’RE FIRED!” at 6:00am when he knocked water off my nightstand, trying to paw my ChapStick®. Poor little fucker was passed out on the couch when I left for the day. It is hard work harassing your loved ones all night long!

Categories:cobwebs in my privates?, I've had better mornings, jack jack, Meow
Tagged:

Do It To Me One More Time, Once Is Never Enough

October 15th, 2007 · No Comments


Alternate titles:

  • I’ve Never Been So Jealous of a Street Sign
  • If Only I Didn’t Have Back Problems
  • I Wish

Categories:cobwebs in my privates?, hell is for single people, I have more batteries for my vibrators than Too $hort h, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, job satisfaction is overrated
Tagged:

Being Celibate Never Felt So Good

September 28th, 2007 · No Comments

Last night I went to a singles event with Sarah. I shaved my legs and Sarah washed her hair…for absolutely nothing.

I thought the highlight of our evening was eating Mexi-Fries® (tater tots) in the food court, until I stopped at the gas station on my way home.

While standing at the cash register, a man ran to the back of the store so fast he must have had a fire in his pants. The cashier hollered to him that there were no public restrooms. Fire pants guy grumpily asked where there was a nearby public restroom.

As I was pumping gas, fire pants guy picked up on me. Turns out I didn’t wash my legs for nothing. Kidding! Sarah thanked me for not hooking up with mister fire pants guy, as did my healthy vagina.

Categories:cobwebs in my privates?, hell is for single people, I have more batteries for my vibrators than Too $hort h, my milkshake brings all the hobos to the yard, Utahrds
Tagged:

Too Much to Ask

July 10th, 2007 · No Comments

I am two weeks away from getting trashed at PF Chang’s and attempting seduction of the bartender who is so cute that he makes my face hurt.

Categories:cobwebs in my privates?, I have more batteries for my vibrators than Too $hort h, illiterate dummies are not hot, I’ve lost that loving feeling, job satisfaction is overrated
Tagged: