My uncle came by today to say hello to the grandparents. He lives and works closer to grams than the rest of us but has only recently started making an effort to spend time with his mother and stepfather. I’m glad that he’s (FINALLY) started to pay attention to grams (because she loves it) but damn, being around him is painful.
Uncle has an inflection to his voice best described as “full of the spirit.” The way that he emphasizes words and takes a soft-spoken, yet authoritative, tone when talking about church stuff (which is pretty much all the time) makes me feel stabby.
Last month he brought by a Jesus-y Christmas book and related a church talk he gave that compared the grips Satan can take on one’s testimony of the gospel to the destruction of the Titanic. BARF-A-FUCKING-RAMA. He also made sure to warn the grandparents about a “Terribly un-American movie. You may have heard of it, it’s called Avatar.” (Cue hysterical laughter.)
During today’s visit I made sure to remain busy cleaning while he was in the house so I didn’t have to interact with him. I should have put in earplugs. First he started in with all this “let’s destroy all of nature in attempt to rape the earth of oil / environmentalists are evil” crap. I didn’t start to really lose it until an elderly neighbor stopped by. Grandma introduced uncle as her “geologist son” to the neighbor.
Neighbor: Geologist, huh? Can you tell me if we’re going to have an earthquake?
Uncle: I can’t tell you if we’re going to have an earthquake, unless you live in Cedar City, then I can tell you that there was an earthquake morning. The real danger you should watch out for is a large meteor hitting the earth.
Neighbor: Is that so? You can tell that with science?
Uncle: Not with science, but with something more concrete: THE BOOK OF REVELATIONS.
Then the uncle and neighbor took turns baring their testimonies of the truthfulness of the one and only restored gospel of Jesus Christ on the earth (aka, THE MORMONS). I did my best to stay away from sharp implements and get the fuck out of there before I lost my mind.
Categories:Anxiety, Childhood Cult, OH MY HORRORS, Utahrds, feeling stabby, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet
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My parents are on Facebook and it freaks me out. I don’t have any links between this website and Facebook so I still have a place where I can speak openly, but I still feel WEIRD.
It’s been a while since my mother entered the world of Facebook. I knew she was using (HA, HA) because she kept mentioning it in when I was around without specifically asking me why we weren’t friends because that’s how my family rolls: dysfunctional!
After months of ignoring passive aggressive Facebook chatter, this morning I received a friend request from my dad. He and I have always had a different relationship than my mother and I and it took me about two seconds before deciding to accept his request. I feel a little bad. This isn’t exactly news since I make feeling bad a hobby. HELL, I’m a damned professional! I don’t know if it is from my religious upbringing or my middle-child-ness, but if I were a super hero my power would likely be GUILT.
So now I feel like I should go through my Facebook crap and clean things out so as not to offend my parents, which is how I rationalized not being connected to them on there before, but I don’t want to have to watch who I am or pretend I’m something I’m not. I’m the foul-mouthed middle child who posts suggestive pictures of myself with Brigham Young statues or makes vomit hand signals while holding a Holy Temple book in the middle of the LDS section of the local bookstore. I also rant and rave about weirdness and living in Utah gives me PLENTY to rant about.
How many of you are connected to your parents on social networking websites? Am I the only one experiencing parental anxiety? HELP!
Categories:Anxiety, Childhood Cult, OH MY HORRORS, confession, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, my dysfunctional family is better than yours, too bad I don't have mental health coverage, where's my medicine?
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The liquor laws in Utah are really strange. They seem to be constantly changing and when you ask someone for details, even someone who works in a bar, no one ever seems to be able to give a straight answer.
There appears to be some potential change with the liquor laws that would end private clubs. To drink in a bar here you either have to pay a yearly membership fee, or be the guest of a member. Doesn’t seem that bad, huh? Well, it’s annoying as FUCK. I’m afraid the people running everything (the Mormons) have no idea that their stupid laws which are supposed to make drinking more difficult do NOTHING to reduce alcohol consumption. In fact, making everything so difficult only makes drinking MORE appealing. I never felt the need to own a flask until I moved to Utah.
This sentence from a Salt Lake Tribune article about these changes struck me knocked me the fuck over:
“Representatives of the House, the Senate, bar owners, restaurants, the governor’s office and the LDS Church hammered out the framework during intense closed-door negotiations this week.”
To see the LDS Church specifically mentioned in the article annoyed me to my very core. I realize the LDS Church influences EVERYTHING here, after all, this is their state. But to see it so plainly stated that they are working out legal details as representatives of a religion just seems wrong.
My favorite part of this annoying mess: changes to the liquor laws are happening as a result of a study in which 40 companies who relocated or expanded within Utah found “perceptions of Utah’s complicated liquor laws were an obstacle to economic development in the state.”
Money makes the world go round, eh?
Categories:Assholes, Childhood Cult, OH MY HORRORS, Utahrds
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Today I received a care package from my friend Sonja. She stuffed it full of all sorts of awesome goodies! Our cupboard is now full of Trader Joe’s snacks and deliciousness.
She also sent pretty much the best birthday card ever. If only it really came with a tampon holder knitting pattern!
Sonja is also a recovering Mormon and we share a fascination and repulsion for our family histories (polygamy). I am so excited to start reading “The 19th Wife,” a polygamist murder mystery novel!
And last, but certainly not least, she sent me delicious wine from Boa Ventura Vineyard. Shh! Don’t tell anyone I’m currently enjoying a delicious glass of contraband wine. It goes perfectly with the spicy Italian sausage tomato sauce I threw over brown rice fusilli pasta from Trader Joe’s. NOM!
Categories:Childhood Cult, I miss Trader Joe's, Shh!, Uncategorized, birthday, stuff I put in my mouth
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I ran across this frightening treasure in a local thrift store. For those of you who aren’t aware of what “Family Home Evening” is, it’s time that you set aside on Monday night to spend with your family…usually a church lesson and some songs or games. It sounds like a nice idea, right? But maybe not EXACTLY as depicted in this little picture.
Categories:Childhood Cult, Uncategorized, Utahrds, evil, going to hell
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Twice in the past week I’ve thrown up all over myself at school. I realize that I live in a state owned by the Mormons, but for the loveoffuckinggod, is it too much to ask that they keep their fucking religion away from my education?
(Yes. It is too much to ask.)
I was sitting next to two nineteen-year-old boys talking about their mission calls…
“I go into the MTC (mission training center) one day after Obama goes into office.”
“You are a lucky man.”
“Yeah, I’m happy to be out of this country for two years while he’s in office.”
“No kidding. I pray I’ll be so lucky, to get a mission call out of country. I DO NOT TRUST THAT MAN.”
I would like to know what these fucking BABIES actually know about Obama, beyond what their parents and church leaders have frightened them with. It scares the shit out of me to be surrounded by a bunch of thoughtless lemmings.
Last night one of my classmates gave a presentation on death (which was relevant to class material – psychology through the years). I could tell the presenter worked very hard, but the tone in his voice made me cringe: it was the soft, spiritual tone that I am very familiar with; thanks to the 19 years of time I did in the cult that tries to pass as a religion.
He related an account of a friend whose father worked in the church educational system for his entire career; this man became close with many (modern day) prophets and apostles. When he was in the hospital dying from cancer, the prophet and apostles came to visit him. After one came to give him a blessing, he pulled the man’s adult daughter aside to comfort her. She asked the man of God why her father was dying of cancer. What did her kind-hearted father do to deserve this? He responded, “God has many ways of bringing his children home.”
Then I threw up all over my desk.
I fucking HATE that shit. No one likes going to funerals, no one wants to lose loved ones, but that is my least favorite things about funerals: the “he/she is in a better place” bullshit. FUCK THAT. Who’s to say they’re in a better place? I’d like for there to be something beyond this world, but who’s to fucking say if there is anything? Is this discussion appropriate in a public school?
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCK.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kdJ4oVnujbA&hl=en&fs=1]
I don’t remember where I found this, but everyone should watch it, especially every single person who supported Prop 8.
Categories:Childhood Cult, OH MY HORRORS, Overheard, Uncategorized, Utahrds, getting my learn on, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, lemmings, obviously crazy to leave the bay area, weeeeeee
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My sister and I are so different I’ve often wondered how we came out of the same vagina. I’ve had thirty-two years to ponder our differences and hope that one day, she will accept me. I’m beginning to realize, this is not a very realistic hope.
It hurts my feelings that she is incapable of expressing happiness or support for anything that is not directly in line with her own beliefs. When she calls me to talk about her new church calling, or her daughter’s baptism, I support her. I don’t say, “BAPTISM?! Pshaw! You’re having your kid baptized into that cult founded by the pedophile, sex offender, douchebag?!”
I treat her as I would like to be treated. I support her. It’s called the motherfucking Golden Rule! And I wish she would apply it to her own life.
I’m sick of double standards. So what if I’m making decisions that don’t line up with her religious beliefs? My decisions are MY OWN! They don’t line up with my parents’ beliefs either, yet they manage to love and accept me, as I am. When I tell my mother I’m planning a gang bang she replies, “That’s nice. I’m sure it will be lovely, dear. I’m happy that you’re happy.” I’d appreciate a similar response from my sister instead of a flat, unsupportive statement.
Categories:Childhood Cult, it's called sarcasm, my dysfunctional family is better than yours
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- Tonight I’m getting together with a group of ex-Mormon bloggers. YIPPEE! I’m excited because I’ve been reading some of their blogs for a long time and it’s always nice to put faces to writing. Plus I’ve had a lot of weird feelings about my childhood cult resurface since moving to Utah so I’m looking forward to some commiseration!
- Last night I had a phone conversation with a guy from the second round of namelessdatingwebsite applicants. It freaked me out a little how he responded to where I go to school …because his response: “I could throw a rock at your school from my office” is the EXACT SAME thing that mister-promising-disappearing-act said. They don’t work at the same office or anything (although that would be fucking sweet). I just thought it was strange.
- Whoever took my motivation, would you please return it?
- My mother gave me Zicam lozenges to help kick a cold. In case you haven’t taken them and were wondering what they taste like: THEY TASTE LIKE FUCKING HELL. I’m pretty sure the scientific theory behind their function is that your body becomes frightened you will continue to punish it with their nastiness and gets better quickly, mostly due to fear of further consumption.
- I drank so much Crystal Light yesterday that I looked it up online to see how much I had to consume before it became toxic.
- I am furious over the Mormons funding Prop 8 in California. What a bunch of fucking bigots. What the fuck happened to separation of church and state?!
Categories:Childhood Cult, Utahrds, list, stuff I put in my mouth
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“I wish you would go to church for this one reason: so you’d be as tired as I am right now.”
“Thanks Dad, but that’s why I take sleeping pills.”
Categories:All About Pants, Childhood Cult, Dad
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When asked to write a paper about a subject that fascinates you, a subject that you’ve always wondered about, is it appropriate to choose the founder of your religion?
Am I overly sensitive? Is it normal to give an oral presentation on the awesomeness of Joseph Smith, with information easily gleaned from your church library? (I could have given that presentation on Joseph Smith and I haven’t been an active member for more than thirteen years.)
Hearing about how incredible Joe Smith was makes me wish I chose a subject more controversial than nature conservation. I wish I had written about FLDS polygamous sects and how the principles they practice are in line with what Joseph Smith taught. That he implemented a structure of male superiority that has encouraged and harmed generations of women and children, all because of his visions and prophesies.
Bleah.
Categories:Childhood Cult
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