Pants, pants, PANTS!

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Entries Tagged as 'All About Pants'

Another Brush With Stupidity

February 14th, 2008 · No Comments

Last night I hopped into my ride and hit the snowy roads. I was wearing what I call my “sleeping bag,” three-quarter length, down parka, as it was freezing.

A few minutes into my drive the heater kicked in and I reached for my zipper, only it would not budge. Thinking it was caught on the edge of the parka, I pulled the zipper up a bit to free it from the fabric pulled into the zipper. I felt a surge of panic when I realized the zipper was not stuck, but BROKEN!

I safely pulled over to the side of the road and started freaking out. The zipper would not budge and I began to feel as if the snug neck were choking me. My failed attempts to escape my (formerly) beloved parka left me borderline hysterical. While trying to pull it over my neck/head (like a sweater) it really did get stuck and the real HYSTERIA began. I wasn’t stuck for very long before it was off…I laughed so hard that tears came. It’s a good thing I didn’t choke myself: death by parka would surely have landed me in the Darwin Awards.

Categories:All About Pants, dumb
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My Dirty Mouth Gets Me in Trouble Again

February 5th, 2008 · No Comments

It’s been awhile since I have shared search phrases that bring readers perverted Google searchers here. There’s been an excessive amount of the weird searches below during the last week…I can no longer be the only one to know that I’m Google rated #2 for “diarrhea pickup line.”

stuffed Fetus (Rad!)

pants with Fuck on them (Almost confused.)

pants full of shit pictures (Totally not into this.)

extended pleasure condoms do they work (No comment.)

diarrhea pickup line (I’m almost #1!)

fat guys in dolphin shorts (Just told this story to a neighbor last week!)

Categories:All About Pants, Found, my milkshake brings all the hobos to the yard
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Professor Douchebag

January 31st, 2008 · No Comments

Today I was asked us to write about my best and worst experience with teachers. I then shared my worst experience with the class. I’ve written a little bit about my worst experience before…though I mainly shared my hatred for that bitch, Cathy, and the drawings I violated my text book with.

My worst teacher was a psychology professor. The first problem with taking a psychology class is basic: people are cheap, lazy and fucked up. Psychology courses attract people who should really be in private therapy, rather than use a community college class (do-it-yourself solution to their personal problems), AKA, creepy over share time, bad boundaries, etc, etc.

Not only was the professor regularly late, but he did not lecture. During each class he had the students summarize the assigned reading…I learned very little. The only time that we had discussions were when he would use our class time to share his mental health issues. He had some “new” form of bi-polar disorder (not recognized by the American Psychiatric Association) that he developed from exposure to crop dusting as a child. BUT, only men were capable of contracting this specific disorder and they had to be of specific age criteria. Uh, huh…hello crazy town!

Our final paper was to be written about a major life event and its affect. We were to relate our experience to the psychology models of our text book. We were also required to give an oral presentation on our paper. If the subject matter of our paper was too personal we were permitted to make an oral presentation on a different subject.

I wrote my paper on the events that led to my official exit from Mormonism. It was an extremely personal experience and I didn’t feel comfortable sharing the trauma that led to the worst fight I’ve ever had with my parents, along with a slew of additional sordid shit that was left in the wake. It was really hard for me to write the paper but it was damn satisfying to put a frightening and emotionally charged experience into words. It was cathartic, though I did not want to share my experience with the class.

Then I heard some of my classmates give their oral presentations. The subjects varied and touched on nearly every taboo/horrible experience you could think of (except for murder). The topics included: divorce, a child kidnapped by her biological father, abuse of all sorts, pregnancy resulting from infidelity, abortion and the clincher was a guy who admitted to embezzling $70k from a job – a crime which he had not been prosecuted for, yet he felt comfortable sharing it with THIRTY-FIVE STRANGERS! WTF?!

After hearing a slew of over share from my classmates, I decided to “put it in the fuck it bucket” and talk about my descent from Mormonism. It went great. Much better than I thought it would! It was oddly satisfying to share my experience with a group of strangers and see all of their jaws dropped at the end; so much easier than to make up a bullshit oral presentation.

The final straw was when the professor “graded” thirty-five, single spaced, three page essays during the forty-five minutes in which we took our final. I received 10/10 on my paper but still felt ripped off. I poured my fucking heart and soul into that paper and all he gave it was count the number of paragraphs I’d used before writing “Excellent!” across the top. Though my paper was excellent, it deserved more than one minute grading period.

Categories:All About Pants, Assholes, Childhood Cult, Memory, Vomit, ancient history, crap
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Yourname here asked. I answered.

July 21st, 2007 · No Comments

1. What is your favorite food and where is your favorite place to obtain said food?

Chicken burrito from Gordo’s. They steam a slab of cheese on the tortilla before piling all sorts of yummy goodness. I hate all other burritos. The first friend I made when I moved to the Bay Area took me to Gordo’s and I’ve been hooked ever since.

2. Describe the worst date you ever had (and when we had drinks in Vegas that wasn’t a date, so that doesn’t count).

The disgruntled postal worker who was an avid (live) Yanni fan. I wrote about it here. I knew it wouldn’t work out immediately but I need to work on an exit strategy. I should have gotten up when he mentioned the reverse discrimination he experienced from an African American superior in the army. He was pretty douchy, so I imagine he would get shit from anyone, regardless of race. What I didn’t explain in my post was that I got so skeeved out when he told me about his co-worker showering with road kill that I downed an entire beer. When I left the bar I drove half a block to Trader Joe’s, did some shopping and sobered up in my car before driving home.

3. Who are you supporting for President in 2008?

Obama.

4. Being a former Mormon, do you watch the HBO show Big Love?

I sure do. I think it’s a fabulous portrayal of a whole bunch of shit that Mormonism created. I love how the main stream church pretends that they have nothing to do with the polygamist sects. When in reality, the crazy plygs are living a lot closer to the crazy bullshit Joseph Smith pulled out of his ass. (Dum, dum, dum.)

I had a high school Sunday school teacher explain polygamy was necessary because there were more women than men.It was all in the name of protecting of women and children. Though polygamy is no longer practiced here (on earth), it is a vital part of the Mormon afterlife. I was the only kid who blew a gasket in Sunday school. What a bunch of non-questioning douchebags. It’s because of a-holes like them that we ended up with stupid fucking Bush TWICE.

To cheer ourselves up, my friend and I watch Dexter after Big Love. J.S. really fucked up a lot of lives because he couldn’t keep his dick in check. The abuse women and children suffer due to plural marriage really gets me going. (As if you couldn’t tell.)

5. How long do you have to be dating a guy before he can get away with farting in your presence?

I don’t know that there’s a time limit on this. The greater question is: when I can fart (gasp!) in front of him? I know I’m in love when I’m comfortable enough to break it down in front of a new boyfriend…which means it’s probably time to break up and move on to the next guy.

Categories:All About Pants, Memory
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Egan Made Me Do It

July 9th, 2007 · No Comments

Egan didn’t really make me do it but I like pretending he has forced me to do his non-meme.

List four pet peeves:

  • Sprint
  • cheap vodka
  • cramps
  • smoking while holding a baby
  • dirty sponge

Top 4 boy names:

  • John Wayne
  • Ted
  • Charles
  • Jeffrey

Favorite hair product:

  • Alterna

Potential favorite hair product, if only I could afford to buy it:

  • Kérastase Mousse Nutri-Sculpt

Ways a woman can make me swoon:

  • free hair products
  • mad knitting skilz
  • boobs
  • pass off never worn size 9 shoes, must be cute
  • suggest an excellent gynecologist

Ways a guy can make me swoon:

  • excessive gas
  • talk about his mother
  • daisy dukes
  • poop with bathroom door open
  • drug use

Neat things I do everyday:

  • walk quickly past my perverted neighbor
  • refuse to pick up my mail
  • play Tetris in the bathroom at work
  • wash my hands

Term/expressions that annoy me:

  • compliments
  • menstruation euphemisms
  • homophobic slang
  • religious banter

Biggest fears in my life:

  • my period
  • eating ice cream that’s been covered with a layer of salt
  • cubicle
  • leggins’
  • diarrhea

Shows I have on my TiVo ‘Season Pass’ I would have on TiVo ‘Season Pass’ if I were cool enough to own TiVo:

  • Dexter
  • National Geographic Explorer
  • TLC’s What Not to Wear
  • America’s Funniest Home Videos
  • Law and Order (all series)
  • Dog Whisperer

Categories:All About Pants, crap
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