Entries Tagged as 'All About Pants'
Two years ago today I was living in the bay area and visiting my family in Utah. My parents had just moved into a new home and the express purpose of my visit was to see if I could handle moving to Utah and living with them so I could return to school. Quite a few of my friends thought I was crazy to move to Utah – especially to live with my parents. But I had reached a place with my job where I was tremendously unhappy didn’t give two shits about my work. Everyday was a challenge to get up and go to that job. I had worked long enough in that industry that I made a decent salary, which kept me there for 6 years, until I realized I just couldn’t take it anymore. Working in a job I loathed was sofa king unhealthy. It probably had a large affect my back problems and surgery from the year before.
Sure I could have taken classes while working (which I did) but it never got me anywhere. The thought of starting over and being able to attend school full time was the first thing that got me thinking about Utah. During my 2007 Memorial Day visit it was my little niece who stole my heart and sealed my decision to move. I have four other nieces but had never lived near any of them. Seeing how adorable my little eight-month-old niece was and realizing how much of an impact I could have on her life by being a regular part of it persuaded me to move.
I also didn’t want to one day regret not spending time with my parents while they are still around. I had a conversation with one of my uncles about how much he regrets not spending time with his parents when they lived in the same town because he was too busy working. I don’t want that to be me.
Even though I gripe about the liquor laws and fry sauce, I am glad that I made the move. I love seeing my niece and sister. We have a much closer relationship than ever before, I see my parents enough that they drive me crazy (sometimes), and I have met many fabulous new friends.
The biggest change, one that I wouldn’t have believed even if someone had told me, was meeting Mike. I have never felt as happy and secure in a relationship as I do with Mike. Certain things make sense that didn’t before and I am so happy to have clicked on (hello internet dating!) my true partner. He understands so much of the Mormon bullshit I grew up with because he is a non-Mormon raised in SLC. Plus he’s sensitive, hilarious, has an equally twisted sense of humor, and he’s a total hunk! I am thrilled for the next 46 days to fly by so we can be husband and wife.
Categories:All About Pants, Engagement, happy happy joy joy, my dysfunctional family is better than yours, SLC FINALLY Owns!, wedding
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1. I HATE it when crumbs stick to my feet.
2. How the hell does this household not have a broom?
3. I am going to cut myself if I forget to buy a broom the next time I leave this house.
4. It looks like an obsessive compulsive disorder spider monkey cleaned the fuck out of my kitchen.
5. It looks like that OCD spider monkey’s slow brother organized this kitchen. Uh-duuuuh.
6. Well, it used to look like that slow monkey organized this kitchen.
7. Of course I’d rather be cleaning and organizing shit instead of sleeping at 5:00AM.
8. How do black skid marks get in the middle of the refrigerator door?
9. I am no longer have fear in my heart when I look at the microwave.
10. Clorox Wipes are my friend.
11. Cactus shaped margarita glasses are ugly as FUCK.
12. I threw away more than 20 random, dirty, mismatched pieces of Tupperware that belonged to the old FILTHY roommate.
13. When my boyfriend woke up he said, “You are like a cleaning ninja!”
14. When our roommate woke up he said, “SERIOUSLY, who cleans BEHIND the microwave?!”
15. I’m ready to make guacamole and black bean salsa for the Super Bowl…just as soon as I clean up after whatever the roommate left in his breakfast wake.
Categories:All About Pants, fresh as a daisy, happy happy joy joy, I miss sleeping, list
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Tonight my guy chose a movie for us to watch while I was out of the room. When I returned, the movie was streaming.
“What movie are we watching?”
“There are Libyans in it.”
“Libyans? Is it Back to the Future?!”
I was right, it was Back to the Future. When we told our roommate he declared we are developing a hive mind. (Agreed!)
Categories:All About Pants, barfing rainbows, happy happy joy joy, puking rainbows
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Rather than detail how extremely shitty and stressful the past week has been, here is a list of things that have been making me happy. Just a few more days and this Mercury Retrograde shit will be over. THANKFUCKINGGOD.
- My grandma’s health appears to be on the mend. Her spirits are up and she’s acting like herself. They are still running tests but her doctors think her medications may have been out of whack.
- Receiving a package in the mail from my super fab BFF Stephanie! D.I. treasure galore! Woot woot!
- Crafters for Obama. Crafting for change never looked so fucking good!
- Spending time with my adoptive family and gay boyfriend. (We even tricked gay boyfriend into his second trip to D.I. AND he actually had fun!!)
- I found my Halloween costume! Never thought I’d be so excited to wear knickers (the shorts variety, not panties, folks!), but they are damn cute! And they look mighty fine with my new boots.
- Talking through some emotional bullshit with Suzanne, followed by some crafty, button-ring making fun!
- Moving my friendship with Megan to the sleepover friend level, playing tarot cards and crystals!
- Roasting marshmallows over a fire. Further proving my lifelong curse: only attracting smoke and assholes.
- Watching the “Who Pooped the Bed?” episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
- Some guy stranger from namelessdatingwebsite just sent me a message saying, “I may even be able to show you things to hold back your gag reflex.” Let’s hear it for oral sex jokes before knowing each others names!
- Britney Spears’ new song, “Womanizer.” Stop judging me!
Categories:All About Pants, grams, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet, list, too bad I don't have mental health coverage
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What I didn’t share in yesterday’s post is that I have taken Ambien before. In fact, I stopped using it two weeks ago because I don’t want to dependent on it. Lizgwiz commented about a friend who takes Ambien and emails people in the middle of the night and doesn’t remember it, even after her friends ask why she’s sending weird emails. That right there, contributed to why I stopped. I want to sleep better and without the help of pharmaceuticals. Also, I don’t want to be fucking looney tunes amnesia emailer because WHO KNOWS what kind of shit I might say or do all zombie-like.
Before general anesthesia for my back surgery I was given Versed. I don’t remember anything after the Versed, but my dad was there to witness me say this to the anesthesiologist: “There’s no cleaning your soul.” Who knows what the fuck that means. I don’t want to be emailing my filthy, impossible to clean soul to my friends in the middle of the night…goodbye Ambien, hello Melatonin.
Categories:All About Pants, overshare, The Crazy
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My family has been out of town for the last week. I was really looking forward to having the house to myself! It would almost be living on my own again!
What I wanted to do
• Walk around the house naked
• Not close my door when using battery operated devices
• Walk around the house noisily, at all hours of the night without regard to other people’s need to sleep
• Drink alcohol openly – like a real, live adult who doesn’t live with her religious parents
• Watch even more Law & Order than I normally do (difficult)
• Get myself back track, nutritionally speaking
• Clean my desk
• Organize photo album
• Mail photographs to friends
• Participate in Ubermilf’s Flash Fiction Friday
What I did do
• Walk around the house naked
• Did not close my door while using a battery operated device – only to discover my sister’s friend has stopped by to pick something up (using the garage code – whoops)
• Walked around the house noisily; freaked out the cat
• Drank a bottle of wine
• Kept vodka in the freezer that I didn’t even drink
• Came down with a horrible sinus infection – seriously, my neti pot wouldn’t even work (you’re welcome)
• Watched HELLA Law & Order, yo
• Ate a lot of chicken noodle soup
• Organized my photo album
• Mailed photographs
• Flaked on Ubie’s FFF because I like totally suck and stuff
• Grounded my cat for playing with the riff raff feral cats my next door neighbor feeds (we’ve got foxes in our neighborhood and he refuses to come inside at his curfew – scary)
• Diagnosed my cat as an Emotional Eater (he totally pigged out EVERY time I told him he couldn’t go outside)
• Ate a tomato from the garden
• Weeded and deadheaded the garden
• Took a lot of naps with my cat
• Bought yummy produce at the farmers market
I ended up feeling more lonesome than satisfied with my freedom. I surprised myself by missing my family! No worries, it took less than ten minutes for the irritation to return.
What have you been up to?
Categories:All About Pants, jack jack, list, Meow, mid-thirties teenage angst
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- My first boyfriend has five kids. F-I-V-E, FIVE!
- Rlo told me I should watch How Stella Got Her Groove Back this weekend. I’m not sure what I find funnier: Rlo’s suggestion or that he has actually seen it.
- That depends on whether or not Jack Jack is willing to forfeit Saturday night made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
- Watching Benny Boy almost get in a fight with some random guy (who tried to cut in the beer line – no cuts, no butts, no coconuts!) after we waited for thirty minutes was surreal.
- Though not as surreal as seeing Rlo chest bump him afterward.
- I may have made that up. I was suffering from severe lack of beer, yo.
- I’m in love with free printable stationary. HELLO CUTENESS!
- Stephanie is right. Saying, “I’m not ready to be in a relationship right now” is just another way to say “I don’t want to be with YOU.” Harsh? Maybe. True? Yes. Did I need it? Yuppers.
- Steph promptly followed up with, “Anyone who doesn’t want to be with you is fucking retarded!”
- Duh.
- This week has been one giant déjà vu.
- I have a date with my grandma this weekend.
- Replacing smoking with sunflower seeds makes for a belly ache.
- I suppose a tummy ache is worth not dying from emphysema.
- I have fallen in love with Good News For People Who Love Bad News (again).
- The end.
Categories:All About Pants, friends, jack jack, list
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“I wish you would go to church for this one reason: so you’d be as tired as I am right now.”
“Thanks Dad, but that’s why I take sleeping pills.”
Categories:All About Pants, Childhood Cult, Dad
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This week I have been loving…
D.I.! Though really, I love D.I. every week. What’s not to love when you find treasures like this…
$3 baby doll stroller for my niece, who walked in circles around the kitchen island for FOUR HOURS! Screaming, “Ah byyye!” Every time she’d pass, flirt with her reflection in the sliding glass door, then start it all again. As my brother-in-law called it: a solid purchase.
$2 Sexual Fitness stretching for couples book. I picked this up for my friend, who will be giving it to his brother, that is saving his flower. I think it’s hilarious. Hopefully it won’t take too much therapy to get over it…
The only thing I can say about this homemade, church related puzzle (besides let you know that I didn’t buy it) is that these little fuckers added to my personal therapeutic history. Thanks J.S.
Can you say seventy-five cent BRAND NEW Hello Kitty tote? Jack Jack can, I had to pry it away from him after this modeling session so he wouldn’t destroy it before my honorary niece opens it on her birthday.
Painting the niece’s fingernails and toes with hot pink. She made JAZZ HANDS! the rest of the evening.
Rock hard nectarines. I like them crunchy like apples and they’re bangin’ this week.
True happiness is a cold room on a hot summer day. One thermostat for a two story house, set at seventy-nine degrees, makes for this downstairs. Say hello to heaven.
Still can’t get enough of The Ditty Bops. This week’s obsession is Bye Bye Love.
What are you loving this week?
Categories:All About Pants, buying stuff, jack jack, list, Meow, stuff I put in my mouth, thrifty
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My thirteen-year-old niece is in town for church camp. When my sister called to see how she was doing, she told her mom that I took her clubbing the night before. My heart nearly beat out of my chest when she said I took her drinking and then drove us around. There’s hope for her yet!
My almost-two-year-old niece’s favorite topic of the week is my juggs. (Yes, I called my boobs juggs.) She says my name, hold her hands above her head and yells, “Boobies bid!” Which translates to I have huge boobies. My sister said she’s been talking about them when they’re at home and I’m not around. Lucky me!
I’m a little sad that I didn’t buy chastity sweats. Damn, they’re cute! I would feel awkward when my dad, inevitably, would ask about the writing on my butt. Nothing says I’m saving it like silk screened junk in da trunk, right? By saving it, I mean dishing it out to the next guy who’s decent enough to help me break the rules and regulations of Club Celibacy. Here’s to hoping the next guy I date doesn’t appear as a member of a teen pron chat group in a Google search. I’m not gonna close up shop till marriage or anything, because that could be a VERY LONG TIME. And let’s face it; even with a drawer full of battery charged goodness I don’t have that kind of patience.
How was your weekend?
Categories:All About Pants, big ol' butt, boys are the dumb, Club Celibacy, cobwebs in my privates?, I have more batteries for my vibrators than Too $hort h
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