When I quit my job to care for my grandparents I knew the end of my grandpa’s life was soon approaching. My grandma is only three years younger than grandpa was, and I had hoped that when grandpa passed that she and I would have some quality time to spend together. I thought that when the stress of taking care of grandpa (and his often curmudgeonly demands) it would be easier. I’m really disappointed that hasn’t really been the case.
A few weeks ago grandma declared, “I don’t like my life.” It was heartbreaking to hear her say that so I arranged for my dad and uncle to come and give her a priesthood blessing. Respecting her Mormon beliefs has been difficult for me but I do my best because I want to help her. It’s hard for me to see her take things to heart just because a man said them, especially when I’ve been saying the same things. It’s even more frustrating when what the man says is plain wrong. My uncle told her that she needs to enjoy her time here with the family that desires a relationship with her and it made me mad. First, because I felt like he was completely putting her own (valid) feelings of loss aside. Second, because after spending months of working full-time in her home I’ve begun to resent relatives (like my uncle) that have lived five minutes away from her for a decade but never see her, then expect to waltz in and be her BFF after her husband dies.
It’s been really disappointing to see her not doing well, especially when she began acting like obstinate grandpa. She was really sick and needed to go to the hospital. I very frankly told her so and she replied, “I’m not going to the hospital. I am a stone wall.” The “stone wall” crap is something grandpa used to do that drove both of us crazy and it’s sad to see her doing the same thing. After a few days being very sick at home, a home health nurse came (who was one of grandpa’s hospice nurses) and asked her what her long-term goals were. She said she wanted to get better and not feel like she was so the nurse told her she needed to go to the hospital ASAP. The nurse helped me put her into my car (because she refused an ambulance) and we were racing to the hospital within 10 minutes.
Grandma spent five days in the hospital and has been at a transitional rehab for a week now to regain her strength. She doesn’t seem to be getting stronger and it’s hard for me to hear my family all talk about how much stronger she’s getting. It’s frustrating and sad and I’m having a much more difficult time with it than I thought I would.
I am so proud of you for honoring your grandmother’s beliefs in spite of your own beliefts – it shows how much respect you have for HER, if not for her religion. And that’s okay.
It took my grandma a long time to recover from my grandpa’s death. I’m not sure she really ever did. And while I was PISSED at her for giving up and dying (on one level), I got it on another. But I still miss her.
You are a comfort to your grandmother. Give yourself lots and lots of credit for that, because it’s a hard job to see someone decline that you love so much.
That is really rough. It’s so good that you’re there for her but it must be super hard to watch and deal with.
I’m so sorry. That sounds so frustrating, sad, maddening, and more all at once. Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.
I completely empathize with you and your situation. When my mom was diagnosed with cancer in ‘01 I was living out East while my parents where back in the Midwest. I flew out twice a month until she passed. Meanwhile, my brothers who lived maybe an hour away at most found it near impossible to see here more than maybe once a month. It’s difficult, and even more so when you’re taking care of a parent. Right now I’ve been helping to take care of my father-in-law after a nasty accident. I wish I could say it gets easier, but when you have one person who you’re taking care of that puts up a fight, and then others who have their own opinions and ways of doing things, a lot of toes get stepped on.
I wish I had some good advice on how to deal. Aside from a glass or two of wine at night, I suppose being able to just get away (even if that is shopping or hiding out at your place) for a day or two every week is the best option, if you have it.
Hang in there, wishing you and your family the best.
Sorry to read this, hope she gets better, and try to remain strong – all the best.
That is rough. Especially since it isn’t just that her religion isn’t your own, but it one with which you have all that history. Major props to you for loving and respecting your gramma enough to do that.
Ya know, I can certainly understand having a hard time with all this, there are a thousand good reasons it is tough and so I sincerely hope you are being very gentle with yourself and taking time, etc.
You can’t continue to support her if you are not taking care of yourself.
You deserve a medal,
and a bottle of wine.
**HUGS**