My uncle came by today to say hello to the grandparents. He lives and works closer to grams than the rest of us but has only recently started making an effort to spend time with his mother and stepfather. I’m glad that he’s (FINALLY) started to pay attention to grams (because she loves it) but damn, being around him is painful.
Uncle has an inflection to his voice best described as “full of the spirit.” The way that he emphasizes words and takes a soft-spoken, yet authoritative, tone when talking about church stuff (which is pretty much all the time) makes me feel stabby.
Last month he brought by a Jesus-y Christmas book and related a church talk he gave that compared the grips Satan can take on one’s testimony of the gospel to the destruction of the Titanic. BARF-A-FUCKING-RAMA. He also made sure to warn the grandparents about a “Terribly un-American movie. You may have heard of it, it’s called Avatar.” (Cue hysterical laughter.)
During today’s visit I made sure to remain busy cleaning while he was in the house so I didn’t have to interact with him. I should have put in earplugs. First he started in with all this “let’s destroy all of nature in attempt to rape the earth of oil / environmentalists are evil” crap. I didn’t start to really lose it until an elderly neighbor stopped by. Grandma introduced uncle as her “geologist son” to the neighbor.
Neighbor: Geologist, huh? Can you tell me if we’re going to have an earthquake?
Uncle: I can’t tell you if we’re going to have an earthquake, unless you live in Cedar City, then I can tell you that there was an earthquake morning. The real danger you should watch out for is a large meteor hitting the earth.
Neighbor: Is that so? You can tell that with science?
Uncle: Not with science, but with something more concrete: THE BOOK OF REVELATIONS.
Then the uncle and neighbor took turns baring their testimonies of the truthfulness of the one and only restored gospel of Jesus Christ on the earth (aka, THE MORMONS). I did my best to stay away from sharp implements and get the fuck out of there before I lost my mind.
Holy freaking crap, Batman! I can picture this all too clearly. Yuck.
Maybe you should start secretly taping all of this. It could be the next big thing on HBO
You make me laugh all the time! Miss you! Oh, and I’m reading “Lit,” Mary Karr’s new book — it’s amazing!
You are a stronger soul that I. I wouldn’t have been able to restraint myself from running in there and trying to use logic and reason on them. Which, I know is a losing battles. Clearly, unreasonable.
But wow. Just WOW.
Welcome to crazytown. Next stop delusionalville. Followed by Entitlementttown.
Oh my. It reminds me of the South Park episode where the Mormon family moved in and was trying to convert everyone. I immediately thought of you when I saw it!
Sounds like you need to wear your iPod whilst he visits.
Avatar is un-American? Huh. If the wingnuts are all worked up about that one, I’m surprised my dad didn’t mention it when I was home last week!
Also, hi! Welcome back!
I’m so glad you shared this. The uncle is a crazy one alright. I overheard someone just yesterday chatting about 2012 being the end of civilization. If that doesn’t happen in 2012, can we still have those suckers stand on some sort of trap door on January 1, 2013 and step on the button?
Keep sharing this comedic gold.
My mother is afraid to see Avatar, too. Actually, she is afraid of germs on 3-D glasses.
I almost stabbed my eyeballs out just reading about it. I don’t know how you endure.
Oy Vey…and I’m not even Jewish. I don’t know how you do it.
I am guessing your uncle is a teacher or something and not a practicing geologist- god forbid he actually works for someone requiring the expertise of a SCIENTIST. I am sure Exxon will be elated to know that he is using the fucking book of mormon to locate underwater oil reserves, or that he can assure a land developer that the houses they want to build on that hill won’t ever slide down because they are filled with god-fearing christians. barf. what an asshole.