I’ve been having fitful and frustrating dreams lately. While we were planning the wedding I wasn’t able to think about my miscarriage very much. Now that the wedding has passed and what would have been my due date is approaching, I seem to be having more and more dreams about babies.
Over the weekend I had a dream that Mike and I were at a Schlitterbahn Waterpark. (Random? Yes.) We were at the top of a large waterslide when I started going into labor: it was very unnerving, especially when the teenage lifeguard delivered the baby. In my dream the baby was born safe and healthy. The next part of the dream was me at home with the baby and I couldn’t seem to hold the baby correctly. I would be walking around with my infant in my arms and it would slip out. This happened a few times and when I would not be able to hold the baby safely it would gently fall onto a bed or sofa. Even though it was all a dream, I woke up feeling a serious sense of failure because I couldn’t even hold my own baby without dropping it…which was bizarre to feel when I was awake since I don’t have a baby.
Today I saw a car with TWO “Baby on Board” signs. I have always found Baby on Board signs pretentious and annoying because if they didn’t have their stupid sign up warning me to be careful around their car, I would totally demolish it with my shitty driving skills. WTF? I noticed the driver (mother) was smoking a cigarette with a little baby girl in the backseat (I only knew because pink threw up all over that backseat) and an elementary school aged boy in the front seat. I wish I didn’t get so upset, but I hate seeing people abuse their kids. It seemed especially horrible since she posted fucking Baby on Board signs all over her back window and bumper. I wanted to jump out of my car at a stoplight and save those kids because she obviously doesn’t deserve them.
I know what you mean about wanting to just smack someone for behavior like that…I also think it’s probably very normal for you to be having these nightmares as your due date approaches and you are thinking more about it. Who wouldn’t think about it? But it sounds like you are coping and being strong (as always) which is good indeed.
Oh. I promised a horror story about a wedding. My best friend from high school (a guy) got married to someone I didn’t like. I wouldn’t be in the wedding (made lame excuse). His brand new mother in law got drunk at the reception and said over a microphone what an ass he was and not worthy of her daughter (I’d say it was the other way around on both accounts). A year and a half later, said new wife got pregnant by someone else – poof! Divorce. Better yet, she tried to kill her second husband (the one who got her pregnant). I call her the “Convicted Felon” to this day. Not very affectionately.
I hope this made you feel better, not caused a different set of nightmares!
I’ve thougth the same thing about the baby signs, and I’ve realised that often people who should be parents are not. Giving birth didn’t make her a mother, obviously, sad but true.
…sorry for your loss.
At least I didn’t take you on a long road trip in your dream and then break up with you. Just sayin’.
I hadn’t known.
I’m sorry.
It is frustrating how our brains work things out while we sleep. …and, sometimes, sad and scary.
I’m thinking of those two Tori Amos songs: Playboy Mommy and Spark — I think she was working through this sort of tragedy in her music.
Sending you my love.
That woman would have pissed me off, too. I hate those signs, and the smoking would have put me over the top. Ugh.
And this probably doesn’t help, but I’ve had dreams where I’m dropping a baby, too, and I’ve never been pregnant. Maybe it means something completely different from what it seems like it means. I’m guessing it probably does. In fact, for some strange reason, when I read dream interpretation explanations, often a seemingly bad symbol means something good and a seemingly good symbol means something bad. Or it’s all a load of bull and dreams are just random and meaningless. Maybe we should just go with that.
I am dreading my due date. I had a chemical pregnancy this month and it knocked me right back on my ass. One thing that I noticed is that I feel like a complete failure because I can’t stay pregnant. I sort of feel like you do in your dream – a failure because I can’t carry (or hold) the baby.
In reality, of course, I realize that neither of us are failures and just had bad, shitty, crappy luck.
Those signs are obnoxious. Shouldn’t we all just drive safely because all human life is precious? And wtf with smoking? Haven’t people got the memo that it kills?
Good thoughts sent your way. I know someone who planted a tree to honor the child she lost. I thought it was a wonderful idea.
Also – the first few months after my own wedding were not easy for me. It sounds crazy, but all the stress and planning led to a let down of sorts for me.
Hope the nightmares get better soon.
After the three crazy drivers who have tried to kill H and me in the last week, I almost want to get a Baby on Board sign! It will probably just make the crazy drivers even crazier though.
I can’t imagine how difficult it is to deal with a miscarriage. I’m sure you know it’s not your fault, but ugh. Still hard. I’m sorry.
I too wish I could save all the kids with bad parents.
I’m with you and Sizzle on the Baby on Board signs. They’re silly. It’s like those Slow Children speed signs suggesting we should drive slower in areas where kids live. What about the elderly who are nearly deaf?