I have all this great stuff happening right now. I’m really happy with Mike. We had the sort of weekend that was so good it almost didn’t seem real when Monday rolled around. Our wedding planning seems to be literally falling into place… then, BAM! I get knocked over by depression.
Everything is rolling along fine until some inane person (my mother’s co-worker yesterday at lunch) asked me if I’m pregnant or have kids. I’m reminded it hasn’t even been three full months since the miscarriage. It was really fucking awkward. I know we can try again when we’re ready but that doesn’t comfort the empty ache inside of me.
So now I’m back to making a concerted effort to act “normal.” Doing my best to keep my sadness tucked inside. The worst part is I don’t even feel like crying: I just feel numb. I keep hoping that I’ll just feel better. One of my sister’s friends went through a similar experience and it took her about as long to pay off the miscarriage medical bills as it did to feel better. I certainly hope it doesn’t take that long.
I know that exercise would be helpful but I’m having a lot of trouble sticking to a routine…partly because I just feel like laying in bed and partly because I’m having trouble paying a gym membership when I should be using money for my miscarriage medical bills, wedding expenses, or saving for a place of our own…which I’d explain further but I refuse to do roommate bitching on top of all my whining. So I’m crossing my fingers that my sister gets over her sinus infection soon because hiking with her (and my niece!) always makes me feel better.
Also, I should probably stop listening to The Weakerthans so much. (Boo.)
And people think we don’t need health care reform in this country?
Ugh. I wish I could just slap people who ask anyone if they’re pregnant or having kids. First off, you never ask a woman if she’s pregnant. Second, the whole kids thing really isn’t anyone’s business, and anyone who knows you well knows about your kid status anyway. That question just crosses a social boundary, and a lot of pain could be avoided if people would just not ask.
So, if you have a bicycle, I think it’s fun to take a bike ride at the Jordan River Parkway. There are miles of trails, and the freedom to ride car-traffic-free! Now that the weather is possibly shaping up to an acceptable spring level, outdoor exercise should prove easier.
I’m sorry, friend. Grieving has its own time. Don’t be too hard on yourself, okay?
Hugs from a stranger. There is no “right” amount of time to deal with grief.
Oh Pants, hang in there. I’m so totally not going to send you some upbeat music right now. Because that would be illegal. Right RIAA? That’s right!
Ok, enough of that nonsense. Emails on the way.
I’m sorry you’re feeling down, but I think it is normal to feel the way you do. I hope you can figure out something that will help you start to feel better, but don’t force it.
I’m the wrong person to ask because I’m in an angry place right now. I’d advocate face-punching, which is rarely the right course of action.
Dude, I’m sorry. I know what you mean. Sometimes I mentally shake myself – if that makes any sense – trying to remind myself how lucky I am, how much I have. But it doesn’t help some days. Especially when something like with your mom’s co-worker happens. One of my co-workers announced her pregnancy last week and I. Lost. My. Shit. (not in front of her). I hate how random things can bring back all the pain out of nowhere.
Well, that was certainly a cheerful comment. Sorry.
Stupid medical bills and even more stupid life shit that you’re having to deal with. And normal is such a relative term anyway. I’m sorry that you’ve been forced to deal with such heartbreaking and overwhelming crap as of late. Just remember that we’re all pulling for you
. xoxo
I know this feeling all too well. We’ve suffered multiple miscarriages in the past year, and this school year 5 coworkers announced their pregnancies. I’m surrounded by pregnant women, and there are days that it just kills me. HUGS.