Since my miscarriage I have received a lot of miscarriage related search results. For anyone currently experiencing that type of loss, or looking for guidance on how to support a loved one, I found an excellent book, Unspeakable Losses: Healing from Miscarriage, Abortion, and Other Pregnancy Loss by Kim Kluger-Bell. I started reading it last night and finished this afternoon.
The book was easy to read and helped me feel a little bit better about the range of emotions I’ve been experiencing. I feel like I’m supposed to be “over this” and I know that talking about it makes other people uncomfortable… which just leads to more awkward grief. Yikes.
Our culture does not have any formal recognition of grieving for a lost or failed pregnancy, and there is a lot of shame and silence surrounding pregnancy losses, so I’ve been trying to come up with some of my own. Mike gave me a necklace for Valentine’s Day with a small wishbone charm. He did not intend for his gift to be symbolic of our loss, but I consider it a reminder of the hope and wishes we held for our baby.
I really liked the idea of a ceremony to acknowledge the loss of a child. Unspeakable Losses mentions a Buddhism Jizo Ceremony which is a way to help families through their grief. After doing a teeny tiny bit of research on Jizo Ceremonies, I super miss the old Buddhist Monastery, where I spent some time studying, while living in the bay area. At least I now have some idea of which direction to head.
You’re so right about how we as a culture deal with miscarriages. I’m glad you’re putting this out there for everyone. This is when a support system is really helpful. Good on you for sharing.
I’m glad that you found that book and that it’s helping a bit. I agree that for the most part, our society as a whole is pretty lame when it comes to mourning a pregnancy loss. But it’s amazing how far it’s come since blogging has become so popular. There are so many pregnancy loss blogs out there…many helped me get through my loss. Hopefully someday grieving our losses won’t have to stay online.
Oh, hon. I can’t imagine your disappointment and feeling of loss. My cousin just miscarried, too – less than a week after Christmas dinner, when she told the whole family she was pregnant.
You are right – it’s too bad there isn’t an established way to recognize the grief that comes with this. But at least you’re developing a community online that wants to understand and is with you.
I think our society in general doesn’t deal with grief well. It feels like you’re faced with a lot of “just get over it already” and “suck it up and deal” attitudes. It’s good that you have wonderful Mike and family and friends who (hopefully) understand how hard this is.
One of my friends just told her family that she’s pregnant, and was met with the “so the doctor says it’s OK to tell everyone?” question.
I hate that. Why wouldn’t it be OK to tell people whenever you want to? The only reason I can think of is that they might be total jerks if there’s a problem with the pregnancy. Better to keep it all a secret if the doc hasn’t given the all-clear, right? We wouldn’t want to deal with anything uncomfortable, like other people’s grief and loss. That’s really hard for US.
We are a selfish, uncaring culture that has no appreciation of the many emotions that go along with pregnancy. You take all the time you need. And to hell with the people who get uncomfortable.
I think it is wonderful that you have been blogging about it and I hope it has helped you get through this. It’s ridiculous that the shame stigma is attached to miscarriages. What in God’s name is there to be ashamed of? We humans can be real assholes some times.
Even when you think you’re “over it,” you can have a bad dream or two about it a year later.
Or more.
Thanks for posting about this book. I just put it on hold at the library.