I expected the ultrasound jelly to be cold and shocking, but it was nice and warm. I drank an obscene amount of liquids beforehand as instructed by the nurse. The tech placed the wand across my tummy and I continued to override my fear with positive thoughts; I felt as if my bladder may explode and for a moment, it was the only thing visible on the screen. Then the still, tiny baby appeared and we both knew something was wrong. I silently pleaded with the lifeless baby to move. Please move, baby. PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE.
Our little fetus measured in length at 8 weeks and whatever other measurement they use at 9 weeks, instead of the 12 weeks along it should have been. Realizing that our tiny little baby stopped growing weeks ago and was dead inside of me, was beyond devastating.
I did everything right: prenatal vitamins, eating healthy and balanced meals, no smoking, I avoided all of my favorite foods that weren’t pregnancy safe, no alcohol, I even cut out Diet Coke and coffee. I now realize my hellish 1st trimester pregnancy symptoms (constant nausea, excessive saliva, mood swings from hell, and breasts so sore they felt as if evil little trolls snuck in during the night to stuff them full of rocks) stopped about the same time our baby stopped growing.
The tech went to consult with the radiologist and to call my doctor to discuss what came next. We were both devastated. I got dressed and curled up into Mike’s lap, grateful they allowed us to stay inside the ultrasound room instead of returning to the waiting room. I didn’t want anyone to see me. Especially not the trashy, VERY pregnant woman in the waiting room who was drinking Mountain Dew and sharing it with her 15-month-old baby telling him, “It’s your favorite!” Are you fucking kidding me? MOUNTAIN DEW? That bitch was feeding both her born and unborn children caffeine, yellow number 5 and brominated brominated vegetable oil as I melted into an exhausted mess in Mike’s arms, mourning the loss of our baby? THIS IS NOT FAIR.
I am really struggling. The analytical side of me says, “It’s OK, the baby wasn’t meant to be, there was something wrong with the baby for it to have stopped growing.” But the rest of me? The rest of me aches. I want my baby. I feel raw and exhausted. We started loving that baby the moment we found out I was pregnant. Being in public is dangerous: there are pregnant people EVERYWHERE in Utah. Walking out my door is a constant reminder of my loss. I am worried I will overload my love with this sadness and sometimes I fear this will never go away.
I have no idea what to say other than I love you.
I’m so glad you wrote about this. Again, your honesty and eloquence has me moved to tears. When you told me last week, what happened, my heart sank. I don’t know what to say. You are strong, and are loved by so many people. I am proud to have such a courageous and beautiful friend.
biggest hug in the whole wide world.
That’s awful!
Know that you’re not alone and you have a great support network available to chat if you need it. Hang in there.
Well, flaming Hell and raging Damn It. I’m so sorry.
It so F-ing sucks when you do everything you should do and more and it still freaking happens. “Not meant to be”, “For the best” is of little comfort, I know.
I wish you peace after your sadness wanes.
Oh god, I am so sorry for what you’re going through right now. There are no other words, really.
I am sending you comforting thoughts and all of the good energy I have in myself. You and Mike will get yourselves through this together.
I’m very sorry.
Thank you so much to everyone for supporting Pants through this, I know she appreciates it, and I certainly do.
Pants, what is to be done about those whose first consolation was that you “can have another one?”
Pants, I can’t think of anything to say. Life sure can deal some heavy blows. My heart goes out to you and Mike. I hope you two the comfort to get through the loss of your baby.
Oh, Pants. I’m so very sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry. I know these words are of little comfort, but I am. I wish that I could ease this for you (as I’m sure we all do). You’re amazing and stronger than you realize. I love you!
Oh no. I am so so sorry. It’s unfair and it totally fucking sucks. I wish there was something to make it better.
Pants, I am so sorry. And because I have been in your shoes before I know those words mean shit to you. So I won’t say anything to try and make you feel better because I know that words aren’t going to help.
But if you want to talk to someone who will totally understand and listen while you curse the universe and any dipshits who try to give you lameass advice saying how it was meant to be (or not) or it’s for the best. Hell, I’ll even join in cursing them because that’s some whack shit and I know that I wanted to straight up shank people who said that to me.
My thoughts are with you and Mike while you mourn your loss.
Oh Pants, I’m so sorry. This made me cry. Hang in there. Good thing you and Mike can lean on each other. But still, how difficult.
I don’t know what to say except I’m sorry, and that just doesn’t seem good enough.
My thoughts are with you, pants.
Love you always.
Oh friend, my heart breaks for you. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Sending you love.
Sweet friend, we love you. Sometimes there is no justice in the world. All I can say is that I’m sorry for your loss, though those words don’t express how much I feel for you right now.
I am so sorry for your loss.
my sincerest condolences.
<3
Oh, dear. I am so, so , deeply sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with both of you and big interwebs hugs as well.
I am so sorry for your loss. There just aren’t words. My thoughts are with you and Mike.
I’m so sorry =(
I’m so sorry for your loss. At least you have a supportive partner in this who will be there for you.
That’s sad, awful and unfair. I hope the shared tragedy strengthens your love for each other.
BIG, big hugs. What a fucking horrible thing. And you’re right, the stupid overcaffeinated bitch doesn’t deserve what she has.
Hey, I just came across your blog while tag surfing.
I am so sorry for your loss.
((BIG HUG))
Oh, babe. Sending love your way. xox
I’m always here when you need to talk/cry/scream. Hugs.
I’m so sorry to hear this.
Sending you <3.
There is no “why,” no one to blame.
You didn’t do anything wrong. You just have a terrible loss to deal with while your hormones and body are wreaking havoc at the same time. And outsiders expect life to go on as normal. It’s a frightening, painful and surreal time for you. I’m so sorry.
You will weather the storm, but that doesn’t make what you’re going through now any easier.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
My jaw is still dropping over the fact that you were pregnant (as obviously I had no idea)… This news on top of that? Wow. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. (And I’m Internet-hugging you, for whatever that’s worth.)
Our situation was similar to yours. I was 11 weeks along. Our baby had died at 8weeks. For 3 weeks I carried my baby not knowing he was no longer alive. We went for the U/S expecting to see a bouncing little baby. Why would we expcet anything else right? Then the doc said “I’m sorry, the baby has no heart beat.” Shock…no way I didn’t hear that…no he’s wrong…keep looking!!! We had a D&C on 2-14-09 and named our baby Job Andrew.
Maddie, I am so very sorry. You’re such a beautiful person and one day you WILL make a perfect mom.
Love you forever and forever.
So very sorry. XOXOX.
I am just now catching up and I am so sorry I missed this. If there is anything I can do, please let me know. And I know my words are stupid and probably piss you off because nothing I can say or do would make anything better so just know I am thinking of you and I mean well.
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