I have been going back and forth, trying to decide if I should share an online dating jewel with y’all. After a little discussion with some friends and family, I realize it’s toofuckinggood not to share.
Yesterday I received this email, by way of nameless dating service, from a 59 year old man:
“Have you ever considered going out with an older man?”
He also included a link to a personal website (which I am not posting to protect the innocent guilty save my own ass).
On this oh-so-lovely webpage, there was a picture of the gentleman (Exhibit A) and A LOT of poetry. I immediately thought of Nick Nolte’s mugshot (Exhibit B). Though I think Stefanie deserves an award for recognizing similarities with The Dude (Big Lebowski, Exhibit C). Don’t believe me? See for yourself.
Exhibit A
Exhibit B
Exhibit C.
Rather than post a gajillion pieces of poetry, I will share two of my favorite snippets.
she was deeply cut
bled out
it took a long time to heal
pity
WOW. Cut deeply? Bled out? Bring on the skin suit! Let us get to a remote location ASAP.
I would bring you gifts of flowers
to make a garland for your hair
I suppose that would be preferable to boyfriends who forget my birthday or “don’t believe” in Valentine’s Day.
What is the best part about his webpage, you ask? Embedded Celtic music!
I sent this all of this to my sister, who frantically called to ask what on earth was going on. I explained he’s an older man who contacted me on namelessdatingwebsite. Then I said maybe I should consider responding and meeting up with him. He’s the same age as our parents, so that would (obviously) be great; they would have so much in common! Plus, there’s the sweet music and gentle poetry. When I told her that I thought his ears would smell fantastic and I couldn’t wait to have like 100 of his babies, my sister drew the line: “Don’t you EVER say that again. It’s so gross you just made my uterus throw up.”
When are you two going out?
The only possible way he could be more attractive is if he was standing in front of his Precious Moments™ collection. Damn, even Jeff Bridges seems about 20 more times attractive that this dude. “This aggression will not stand, man”
http://lebowskifest.com/stickers.asp
I have no words but ewwwww….
Wow! Althought I think that if you went out with him, you’d have an abundance of blog material!
he’s hot….and deep….
you should totally go for it.
Oh don’t you even dare! He is totally mine.
My uterus may have thrown up a little too.
I’m just trying to figure out how this man could have possibly looked at that picture of himself and then thought, “Yep, this is good enough for namelessdatingwebsite!” How does this happen?
In a year you could go to buffets and get really cheap food/sex.
That is the best writing I’ve ever read. My career as a writer is officially over.
Oh my god, that is awesome. I am so pissed that I didn’t blog back in the days of my online dating adventures. I once got an email from a dude who lived in BFE, Georgia. I can’t remember all the details, but I know it said something like, “I sincerely hope you like river boats”.
I need to dive back into the dating pool. I suddenly seem a tad more desirable.
Oh my gosh! Your sister’s comment about her uterus throwing up is almost as awesome as barfing rainbows.
Since you’re not interested, would you mind if I had a go at him?
I’m scared.
Well, Jeff Bridges IS cute no matter what, but yes, this seems rather…creepy.
Older men can be hot. But this, not so much…obviously.
Thank goodness for common sense.
Hey there, Pants.
If you’re going to be in the Bay area any time soon, drop a line. In the very least, I can load you up with a stash of vodka before you head back to the Zion Curtain. (Though I was surprised at the downtown liquor store… EXCELLENT wine selection.)
TOTALLY a drugged-out Nick Nolte/The Dude hybrid. Also, he looks a wee bit like a former co-worker of mine. I’m pretty sure it’s not him, but wouldn’t that be hilarious?
I soooo wanted to post the picture of the “Mannibal Morpse” guy who tried to establish communication with me online last week, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. You’re a braver woman than I.
Also, Lara’s comment cracked me up. “I sincerely hope you like river boats.” Oh, I so wish she’d met that guy…
Wow, so many others wanting to pick up your discarded man. I thought I was the only one, but now I see I will have to compete for his attention. Eew, I couldn’t even write that without my stomach getting a little sick.
We should all start a fund to get this guy a rubber girlfriend.
“Have you ever considered going out with an older man?”
ABSOLUTELY!
“Have you ever considered going out with an older man that looks like he has not showered all year and would chain you to an underground bunker for the rest of your life?”
NEVER!
“Let us get to a remote location ASAP” made me laugh really, really hard.
I got a good one today, too. From a man who “wants to meet me, but must her (sic) back from me first.” Good idea, dude, since you certainly shouldn’t be meeting women who don’t respond (positively) to your messages.
I noticed his profile said he was under 5′ tall–must be a mistake, I thought. His primary photo showed a rather burly head and shoulders. Then I noticed his screen name involved the term “stumpie”…oh my. Would it be rude of me to ask him, casually, “how’d you get that screen name?” Heh.
that guy stole my poetry.
I will make garland for your hair.
I’m looking for him at the next Rennaissance Faire.
I’m going to be single forever.
You are popular on MY blog, at least: http://ubermilf.blogspot.com/2008/09/im-going-to-end-crazy-week-on-positive.html
Man oh man do I have some stories for you. I think I have seen this hottie online myself
By any chance are you interested in dwarfs?
I think I’ve dated him. Nice guy.
When you shared this with me last week, I thought I had died and gone to Celtic heaven. I’m so glad you shared it with the rest if the world. The poetry, the man, the many different versions if Celtic Woman…….too good to be true.
Once you’ve used him up send him my way. I’ll straighten him out. I kind of liked Nolte’s Big Lebowski look. And I’m older than he is. I would scare the man so bad he’d never recover. I like the eviscerating tongue lashing. It’s good aversion therapy.
Your poor sister’s uterus.
Awesome mug shot though. Are you sure you don’t want to have his 100 babies and suck on his old, old toes? Just checking.
My Next Boyfriend « Deep Thoughts by Amyeliz // Oct 1, 2008 at 8:13 am
[...] figure if Pants can find the perfect guy, there’s some hope for [...]
Sra~ you asked, “I’m just trying to figure out how this man could have possibly looked at that picture of himself and then thought, “Yep, this is good enough for namelessdatingwebsite!” How does this happen?”
It happens when that is his BEST photo. He probably looks even worse in real life. Yikes.