I received a postcard from a friend last week that said, “I pretend you’re on a really long vacation…it is easier that way.” It made me cry a little, but I’m trying to keep the same mindset.
Here are a few awesome things, unique to Utah, that I’m putting in my Utah Vacation File…
My almost-two-year-old niece. She drew this super awesome picture of a “boogie” this week. Watching her grow blows my mind.
Old school bff, Stephanie; we’ve been friends for twenty years! I love her butt. How freaking cute are her kids?
Religious stickers at the grocery store. No explanation necessary.
Theatrical releases of Mormon movies. The Errand of Angels will be in theaters shortly. I don’t know much about it…other than it’s about sister missionaries and watching it would make me vomit. This doesn’t seem to bother people who’ve lived here for a long time, but I find it FUCKING WEIRD. All sorts of creepy religious movies and my motherfucking zombies are no where to be found? Total crap.
Freaky modest clothing shops for people who need longer sleeves and less legs. So much better than the alternative Ho’s in Training shops I’m used to in California.
My Grandma.
Cheap Holly Hobbie rip off stenciled public restrooms.
Religious statues, ripe for the molesting!
My parent’s cat…who has become my cat. My jewelry, pacifier, tampon thieving cat. He is so damn naughty.
Wait. What does “Chose the right” mean? And what is CTR??? (Oh, choose the right…hmmmm).
Those are some good reasons, well, except for the religious movie. Blech!
Wow. Utah is like one big amusement park. A weird and unintentionally funny amusement park, but one just the same.
And no fair….you have Mormon movies and we have well…um….regular ones.
Somehow I think clothing my motorcycle-riding father would approve of is vastly different than what Modest by Design offers.
Thanks for the snapshots of vacationing in Utah!
I usually buy my prairie garb online. I just love the way it covers everything!
Ok – what the hell is CTR?
I don’t know what CTR is either. I hope I’m not choosing the wrong one…
punchlinewalking,
Sometimes, I forget that not everyone had the same brainwashed childhood as me!
sizzle,
It is seriously disgusting! A few years back I saw billboard for a movie called “Mormons and Mobsters” about a mob family, relocated to Utah through witness protection. The weirdest part about all of this? PEOPLE WATCH THEM!
Tiffany,
“A weird and unintentionally funny amusement park” is the best description I’ve heard of Utah!
Noelle,
Me too! Guys I date love it when I pull my bonnet out during sex.
apollocreed and Stefanie,
CTR stands for Choose the Right…a primary class for kids. But CTR garb carries over, all the way into young adult garb. When I was a kid we had cheep CTR rings that turned your skin green. They have more expensive versions of CTR rings in gold for older folks who need help remembering CHOOSE THE RIGHT!
“clothing your father would approve of”????seriously? THAT creeps me out.
I’ve got another “only in Utah” for you:
I parked at the Wine Store one day and was getting ready to exit my car when upon the wall I spotted a sign that said: “No one under 21 allowed unless accompanied by a parent or spouse.” At first I was like, Spouse?!? But then I remember that it Utah it’s totally normal for someone under 21 to have a spouse.
I need to go back and get a picture of that sign.
Becca,
Me too!
Sra,
So disturbing! You DEFINITELY need to go back and take a picture!
Wow!! There’re really no grey areas in Utah, are there? Not in clothing, entertainment or even the GROCERY STORE! You’re either squeaky-clean, CTR, modest clothing wearing,”True Love Waits,” or you’re a dirty, dirty ho.
The picture of your gramma’s hand is beautiful, and your neice and JackJack are adorable as always.
The Holly Hobbie decal is KILLING ME.
I’m convinced Steph clones those kids. They are identical – holy cow
I guess that’s why I came to Utah too, Pants. To get Bucky Katt. Thanks for the reminder.
Right now I forget what the hell I was thinking. Glad you have so many good things about it!
If I wasn’t busy pooping the bed, I’d call you to tell you how much I love you.
You must live in the the vicinity of the Larry H. Miller theaters with all their Mollywood crap that they show. I’m sorry. I live nearer Ogden way where the hobos and Mexicans roam–oh yes, and the birthplace of the Osmond spawn.
what is CTR?
you already answered it! i dumbo.
What is “the right” and how do I know to choose it?
Oh my gosh, I have to say I’m surpised and not surprised all at the same time about the mormon movies. Will you at least get the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants movie? Zanny and I are going to see that. I think of Pants and I think of you. Well Pants and Pirates.
Man, I love all the great pictures. I’m a sucker for a woman with pigtails. When are you coming back to the NW for a visit?
P.S. what’s CTR with those religious stickers?
Huh, Choose the Right what? Choose the Right politically speaking? Choose the Right hand over the left hand when masturbating? Inquiring minds want to know, I want to know.
“Clothing your father will approve of”– classic.
J.,
Grey area? What’s that?! Personally, I prefer dirty ho.
Loralee,
Isn’t it horrible?!
Zanny,
I think you’re onto something….
lostinutah,
Sometimes I think I could have just gotten a cat in California…but the thought of not seeing my little niece everyday breaks my heart.
sdragoc,
I hope you’ve been able to stop pooping the bed. That is rotten bad.
The Grunt,
The Osmonds were spawned up your way? LUCKY!
Crystal,
You’re my favorite dumbo.
ubermilf,
“The Right” is pretty much everything I haven’t chosen. So ask yourself, “What would Pants’ do?” Then do the opposite.
Burreetoe,
Gyar! Shiver me timbers!
egan,
I would love to get back to the PNW for a visit. Just not sure when that would be…probably when I’m not broke. So like only another 4 years or something?
Oh dear, I’m having flash backs to my days of programming as a religious munchkin. Make sure you grab hold of a barf bucket before you read these…next time we talk I’ll even sing it for you. Though really, I’ll probably get this crap stuck in my mind the next time I’m drinking…
Choose the right when a choice is placed before you.
In the right the Holy Spirit guides;
And its light is forever shining o’er you,
When in the right your heart confides.
Choose the right! Choose the right!
Let wisdom mark the way before.
In its light, choose the right!
And God will bless you evermore.
Choose the right! Let no spirit of digression
Overcome you in the evil hour.
There’s the right and the wrong to ev’ry question;
Be safe thru inspiration’s pow’r.
Choose the right! Choose the right!
Let wisdom mark the way before.
In its light, choose the right!
And God will bless you evermore.
Choose the right! There is peace in righteous doing.
Choose the right! There’s safety for the soul.
Choose the right in all labors you’re pursuing;
Let God and heaven be your goal.
Choose the right! Choose the right!
Let wisdom mark the way before.
In its light, choose the right!
And God will bless you evermore.
Brookem,
Hells yeah!
I think you should sent the photo of you and backing your shit up to the statue into a Utah magazine. What do they have out there? Mormon People? CTR Weekly? Out Of Style?
(if you’re not into trashy mags, these jokes make no sense)
Oh my, what a lovely song. Please please do sing this song when drunk. It would please me very much to hear an audio post of that. CTR, I will never forget this thanks to your blog. See, I learned something new today.
thecoconutdiaries,
“What do they have out there? Mormon People? CTR Weekly? Out Of Style?”
Oh my god, that is fucking hilarious! CTR weekly would focus on modest fashions and Out of Style would be pioneer garb?
egan,
The idea of me doing a drunk audio post is both frightening and hilarious. You may be on to something!
I don’t know what it is but when I drink I sometimes get brainwashing songs of my childhood stuck in my head. A couple of beers and I may be singing about how much I love to see the temple and I”ll be married there someday! Followed by a song about how I will one day brainwash my own children, followed by shots.
When you rock your niece to sleep, do you hum the brainwashing songs or not? I get Christmas songs stuck in my head.
Bring on the audio posts.
I think Forever 21 is the complete opposite of Modest by Design.
PS. you should wear pigtails so often! super cute!
The other great things not mentioned about Utah:
Dry Humping…hot dates involving frozen yogurt…every news station infiltrated by religion…banned movies…and the best of all…polygamy.
I happen to live there too, which makes it super cool. Although so does http://www.dooce.com, and well – we all know she rocks.