Reasons I am happy to live in Utah.
1. I get to see my sister almost every day. I love being so close to her.
2. It’s almost impossible to be sad around my niece. I love her to pieces. Her squeals melt my cold, black heart. Especially her new goat sound that is suspiciously similar to a Wookiee cry.
3. Tonight my dad made spaghetti for dinner while I crafted up vanilla ice cream with chunks of homemade chocolate chip cookie dough (weird, my pants all seem to have shrunk), followed by Law & Order.
4. My mom fucking rules. She’s always full of interesting ideas…whether it’s a new bead, craft project or or burning a flag because it’s “the respectful thing to do.” I will never forget my thirty-second birthday.
5. I will not have a conversation with any of my nieces like the conversation my uncle and I had last year when he shared regretting not making more time for his father when he was alive.
6. I am driving distance from my friend Stephanie. We’ve been friends for twenty years and marvel at our ability to pick up where we left off after being out of touch for long amounts of time…but have decided to the ability to pick up where we left off doesn’t make it OK to lose touch anymore. I only wish we lived a teensy bit closer to each other. I’ve been really lonely for her since our Easter weekend extravaganza with our other BFF, Zanny (who I also miss, but is not falling for my suggestions she move to Utah).
7. My Grandma Honey and Grandpa. Ghoney made an incredible recovery from a very scary illness. I appreciate and love being with her.
8. I get to see former Utahn friends when they come to Zion!
9. I am making new friends that are fucking awesome. Some of them even wear bikinis when drunk: hubba hubba!
10. Getting my learn on.
11. Inadvertently stealing the love and affection of Jack Jack from my mom.
12. Horrible LDS billboards…whether creepy Mormon movies or modest clothing stores (choking back vomit), provide material for endless sarcastic banter.
Short list of downsides so this post doesn’t get overly fucking schmoopy.
1. Too many California friends to name.
2. Landlocked, RED STATE.
3. No Sephora! Which I did not realize until I was already living here. I grieve my loss of sparkly makeup heaven every Sunday morning when I receive my weekly email.
4. The Utah climate is turning me into a leper. Lucky for me my mother crochets leper bandages, so I’m all set.
I think a Sephora is coming. So that may help a little. But I’m afraid you (and I for that matter) are going to need those leper bandages.
That is an excellent list.
I have a friend like that, too–someone with whom I can pick up like no time has passed, even if lots of time had passed. You’re right, though: that doesn’t mean we should keep testing the limits of that. I actually just emailed her yesterday to try to arrange a meet-up.
Utah is happy to have you back. And just think of all of the snickering opportunities that are in your future. Friends, family, and modest attire… THIS IS THE PLACE!
Sounds like even though it’s SO cold and the Spring isn’t coming fast enough, that there are enough pluses for living in Utah to make up for them. Great List!
That’s a lot of great reasons! At least California is a fantastic place to visit, especially when it is cold for months on end, right? At least, that’s what I tell myself when I am missing the CA coast.
My favorite thing about living in Utah has changed over the years. When I was a kid, my favorite thing was the repressed Bishop’s daughters who were so ready to let me enter their temple without a recommend.
But now, it has to be watching Big Buddha, and before him, Ali McKay, doing modest prom dress fashion shows for the forthcoming high school prom or dance on the Fox 13 morning news.
lostinutah,
Phew! At least we’ll have pretty, shiny lips when our skin has rotted and fallen off!
Next order of business: get a mother fucking H&M in this bitch!
Stefanie,
Thank you!
These are definitely the best type of friendships…I love having someone I feel so connected with, that I can tell anything and everything, even the filthy stuff…who loves me in spite of it.
megatropolis,
I often wonder what kind of high Brigham (it was Brigham, right?) was on when he looked out at the SLC valley and declared, “THIS IS THE PLACE!” The place for what? A secret hideaway to partake in the covenant of plural marriage, (hopefully) far enough away from the judgemental eyes of the US of A government, so you could implement religious reasoning to secure many years of systematic abuse of women and children?
I need coffee.
Rachel,
It’s nice to remember good things…in between sarchastic tantrums!
Sizzle,
It is a fantastic place to visit…and hopefully one day return! And if not California, the PSNW?
Porty,
Slutty Bishop’s daughters! Lucky for me my father never had those big callings. You know, because my flower is intact and ready for my husband to pull me through the veil when we are joined for time and all eternity.
I am a bitch today.
Also, I’m going to hell. I mean Outter Darkness.
Is it really that hard to find t-shirts, long sleeved t-shirts, and tank tops that there has to be a special store for them?
hah thats funny we both made happy lists! And yes I would like to think I look good in a bikini!
I think you need something a little stronger than coffee
You could eat all the ice cream you wanted if you just wore more modest apparel.
Meow! I for some reason can’t picture you in a Sephora store. I can however picture you in those lovely skin hiding Mormon clothes. C’est chic!
electric boogaloo,
I think it’s a matter of taking care of their own. A few weeks ago I saw billboard advertising LDS real estate and relocation services. You know, because it would be EVIL to contribute to the financial well being of non-members.
I’m taking a picture of that in a few weeks when I head south again.
drop dead chris,
Funny, huh? I hear you look fabulous but I am HEARTBROKEN because I haven’t seen you rockin’ the bikini! I miss you guys.
megatropolis,
Yeah, like more than four hours of sleep?!
Übermilf,
That is exactly what I’m doing right now! I am rocking some hard core muffin tops and I feel like a chubby troll. Winter = BAD
egan,
I’m going to a modesty clothing super sale this weekend! On Saturday, of course, because I am morally opposed to breaking the Sabbath by making retail purchases. I should try and swing a FKT photo!
Ha, those modest clothing stores should sponsor FKT yo! Let’s make that happen.
I hate you for being happy.
Congratulations. You officially win at life.
no sephora!? oh man. but you have some seriously good reasons for liking it there! glad you’re so happy!
There isn’t a Sephora here? That’s good to know.
So, what’s the deal with summer weather one day, then snow the next? I totally forgot about the PMSing of the Utah weather patterns.
I’m excited to see you on Sunday!
You and your sister could be twins. Are you? Just hotter than hot, both of you
I’m so glad you decided to move here! Finally someone to help keep Rlo in control!
Pants! How I wished you lived closer to NY so I could groove with you. Sorry there’s no Sephora by you – it must be wickedly vain or something unholy like that. The next time I’m in one out here I’ll take pics of the sparkly shadows for you.
And living with my parents wasn’t all bad either. I was with them till I got engaged. I ate well, always had company and was well cared for. What’s to complain about??