Normally I’m opposed to memes…but when faced with the offer to break down my three categories of Doing-It songs, there’s nothing I’d rather do! Except for maybe actually Doing-It…but I’ve decided to remove myself from the dating shelf, for the time being, so I can give my heart and head a chance to heal while I burn through that nightstand full of batteries.
You can find rules for crafting your own Doing-It play list over at Crystal’s. On with the musical hump-track!
Category I: Dry Humping Songs (Songs 6-15 on your set list)
Who doesn’t like a little dry humping? And I do mean a little, I’m not interested in excessive bruising or forceful denim penetration.
6. Kiss You All Over – Exile This song is so bad, it’s good. Plus, it’s a nice warm up song, before you get to serious, pre-soakin-it, hard-core dry-humpin’.
7. Kiss Me Deadly – Lita Ford I have unfulfilled seventh grade fantasies featuring this song…
8. Silent Lucidity – Queensryche Another for the unresolved issues pile…
9. Catch – The Cure This is the quintessential dry hump song…even though it felt soft at the time, I always seemed to wake up sore.
10. When Your Minds Made Up – The Swell Season
11. On the Radio – Regina Spektor Nothing makes me wanna pretend-hump myself into hysteria like a song about the end of the world.
12. Everything That Rises Must Converge – The Handsome Family No description necessary.
13. Love Like We Do – Edie Brickell & the New Bohemians
14. Easy – Faith No More I realize this qualifies as a breakup song, read into that what you will…
15. Paper Tiger – Beck See above comment.
Category II: Getting to Know Each Other Sexy Time Songs (Songs 15-23)
This is for when you finally start doing it, but aren’t comfortable enough with each other to really let your hair down and tell them know about your slapping/choking/doodoofeces fetish.
16. Son of a Preacher Man – Dusty Springfield
17. Paper Airplanes – M.I.A.
18. Island in the Sun – Weezer
19. Keep the Car Running – Neon Bible
20. Blame It On the Tetons – Modest Mouse
21. Last Kiss – Pearl Jam Untimely death? Who doesn’t want to fuck when they listen to this?
22. Sea of Love – Cat Powers
23. I Do – Edie Brickel
Category III: Balls to the Wall Boning Songs (Songs 23-35, or depending on the guy 23-23.5…having dated a 23-23.5 guy, I can attest to the uselessness of Trojan Extended Climax condoms). These are after you’ve known each other for a good 6 months and are comfortable enough to make hardly legal requests, call each other disrespectful names and establish safety words.
24. Cut Me Up – Har Mar Superstar
25. I Got a Man – Positive K
26. Sex Appeal – Sexy Sushi
27. We Are the Ones – The Coup
28. The Way I Are – Timbaland
29. Clone Fucker – Schaffer the Darklord Yeah, yeah, I’m a little all over the place. Yeah, yeah, the beginning of this song makes fun of the previous song. I’m one big contradiction.
30. Professor Booty – Beastie Boys
31. We Care A Lot – Faith No More
32. You Can Do It – Ice Cube
33. D’Angelo’s entire Voodoo album
34. Our God Is an Awesome God Only brought up as a threat when something I’m STRONGLY opposed to is begged for, i.e., a strap-on.
35. Smoke Rings – Jon Rauhouse Need something to cool down with after all that (insert filthy sexual reference of choice here).
Oh, Edie. Can’t say I’ve ever put her on my “Doing It” playlist, but hearing Love Like We Do took me back to my pretend hippie college days. So awesome.
This is too funny! I can’t say that I would listen to some of these songs when “Doing It”, but it was great! Thanks!
holy crap! catch! kiss me, kiss me, kiss me was my favorite cure album and i cannot tell you how many times i made out to that tape in the backseat of my baby blue toyota corolla.
that is also rad that you included the beastie boys because for some reason i always seem to forget about them when i am making out, but i have to say that when they do that song with q-tip and there is a bunch of uhh uhh uhh uhh in the beginning, i do indeed spark a mini orgasm inside my guts. how nice.
our god is an awesome god – please don’t forget i know the sign language incase you ever need one. however, i forget what the sign for awesome is, so i have to high five you several times throughout the song; just something to keep in mind.
edie brickel – i forgot about her too! all of these songs are making me want to go home and do it!
i am certainly glad i am not the only white chick who likes to hear some rap. e’rybody gotta feel like a hoochie sometimes.
thanks so much for doing this! i owe ya one!
I hear what you mean and I feel your self-pleasured pain.
That’s why the only song I really came up with for this meme was “I was made for loving you” by Kiss, for the chances of me needing such an extensive humping mixed-tape list is about as likely as Kiss making a disco record…oh wait.
Chin up and have a good break in the action. Sometimes it’s the best thing available.
With the “23-23.5 guy” you should have listened to the Ramones and seen if he could outlast their sub-two minute songs.
What… give dating a rest?!? That’s just crazy talk! What’s not to love about the continuous disappointment, slew of online creepies, and accompanying self-doubt?
Maybe we can start a “support Pants… donate batteries” fund. I’ll be the secretary.
I like your use of Faith No More in this list. Their song Epic would be interesting because of the line “You want it all but you can’t have it. It’s in your face but you can’t grab it.”
jenny,
I love Edie! I understand most wouldn’t put her on a Doing It playlist, but most people probably wouldn’t include “Clone Fucker”!
Rachel,
Thanks!
Crystal,
I think Catch is a super duper fucking awesome song. And I’m jealous you had a baby blue corolla for your make out pleasure!
The Beastie Boys and I had had a moment when I was shit faced beyond belief at the Tibetan Freedom concert in SF…OK, so “we” didn’t really have a moment, but we did in my mind and it was fabulous!
Believe me, high fiving me throughout Our God Is An Awesome God would have an incredible impact on anyone who tried to force me to f ‘em in their no-no with a strap on. On second thought, that’s pretty subversive behavior, they may just be the type of freak who’d get off on some Jesus-y fucking. We’re going to have to play that by ear.
Porty,
Nothing to inspire a self-induced dating break like internet dating. UGH.
yournamehere,
I typed and re-typed this above a few times before deleting it…but I guess I didn’t do “it” like his mom did.
megatropolis,
You are so my new battery fund secretary. I’m serious! We should probably get together for a drink and discuss your secretarial responsibilities.
The Grunt,
I was thinking about that song too! But since a friend ripped a copy of Faith No More for me recently I’ve become obsessed with We Care A Lot.
What about that song by James called Laid? That’s so perfect since it’s nice and short for those quick guys.
This bed is on fire with passion and love, the neighbors complain about the noises above, but she only commmmes when she’s on top…
*bangs head against keyboard*
I can’t believe I forgot about James!
I’m in, just tell me when and where. I’ll bring my debit card, ID, and a notepad. You bring the make(s?) and battery requirements of your “hardware”.
I can’t wait until this cold is gone so I we can discuss your new duties!
Those are great lists!!!!
I need to try a few of those out!
…and I need to get those CD’s to you!!! (I will! I promise!)
Anyway, try not to stay on the shelf too long!!!
I think one of my all-time fave sex songs is Justify My Love — it just sort of sounds like sex to me. So does Emotional Rescue. Hmmmmm…
It appears that you love Edie as much as I do!
“forceful denim penetration” HAHAHA
You were wise to delete that, as it turns out.
The whole voodoo album is perfect for boning, I agree. That is a great album.
matty,
Thanks! And don’t rush yourself to send off my CDs…I’m soooo slow to get stuff done that I still have unfinished Christmas crafts in my room! And I sent Egan his daughter’s welcome present when she was almost nine months old. I will be more than please to see it, whenever it may be! xoxo!
Sizzle,
I totally have a girl crush on Edie. She rules!
yournamehere,
That’s what she said.
Anthony S.,
Indeed!
I’ve already started a list of what my job will entail:
1) Fund raise for batteries.
2) Hit up local small businesses to see if they’ll donate actual batteries or $ to purchase said cells. I figure if I promise to advertise on the back of t-shirts they’ll surely be on board.
3) Keep inventory of stock and make sure that proper batteries are always on hand.
4) Also keep a little stash o’ cash on hand for drinks so that you’ll return home and be in the mood to drain the power.
That’s all I’ve come up with so far. And people say that the act of service and charity is dead! Plus, I’m pretty sure that this will look REALLY good on my resume.
You are so hired! Just think of all the positive attention you’ll receive from potential employers when they see this on your resume!
“Expert Level Friend to Fellow Blogger – Kept full supply of power available during self imposed celibacy. Bzzzzz…”
A++++++++++++++++++++
dude! i just got mine too! “boning songs”. we’re going to be responsible for someone getting it on, i just know it.
I hope they chose “Our God Is An Awesome God”!
I said “Weezer makes me wanna fuck!”
OMG, I can’t believe the ultimate Levi Love song has been left off the list: Don’t Touch Me There by The Tubes.
Having said that, I would have added The Baby Elephant Walk and the theme music to The Dating Game to the “Balls to the Wall Boning Songs” list, so feel free to ignore my suggestions.