I’ve joined a new dating website, at the suggestion of a friend. It’s been interesting so far, but mostly because I’m forwarding things to my friend with messages like, “My milkshake brings all the oldies to the yard!” Or the ever popular, “I know it’ll be hard but try not to touch yourself when you see how hot this guy is (not).”
Since witnessing some of the horrific attention I receive on the internets my friend suggested I write a book about dating and the men (freaks) who are into me; he says it’ll be a best seller. Maybe if the dating memoir market is keen to the type of singledom details that make a person yearn for the simplicity of celibacy.
Some highlights thus far include:
Someone complimenting my green eyes, which is kind of weird, because my eyes are waaaaaay blue.
I am gold to the forty to fifty-something, snowmobiling, huntin’ crowd. If I were to move I could like totally be the Kelly Taylor of Ketchum, Idaho.
For the love of God and all that isn’t holy, stop posting shirtless profile pictures! Especially creepy shower shots. Welcome to my thought process:
The shower? Really? That is so weird. Did he take that nasty picture of himself all soaped up with a time delay and camera perched on the edge of the sink? Or is this the fruit of his most recent creepy love affair? Maybe his roommate took it? Ew. Next!
I got my first proposition from a married dude with an eight inch cock who is happy to send me “pictures” (choking back vomit). He’s free to meet “anytime morning, afternoon or evening and almost any day; even now.” Desperate much? There are so many levels of wrong it’s difficult to know where to start – but I’m going out on a ledge and begin with the fact that he’s MARRIED! And he did everything short of arrange a BDSM safety word. Disgusting much?
It’s a good thing I have a night stand full of batteries.
Yikes. It is a jungle out there. Sorry I don’t know any single non-Mormon men in the beehive state.
Keep your chin up!
Oh how I do not miss the on line dating creeps. The shirtless wonders. The always-available-anytime guys. Ick. But, The Fella and I are proof that you can find love on the internet. Hold out hope!
lmao @ everything but establish a BDSM safety word.
pickles!
Don’t get too discouraged, once you weed through the creepy ones I hear there are some good guys too. My good friend just started doing this and has met a few guys in person now. She says they are all pretty normal guys.
My other good friend (39 years old) said screw this and is now dating the 22 year old brother of her 9 year old son’s football team friend. That’s always a backup plan you know…my son is on the football team, maybe I could scout someone out for you?
Curly Glamour Girlie,
Oh, it’s up!
Sizzle,
The shirtless wonders blow me away; don’t they realize it’s nasty to showcase their armpits to strangers?
Crystal,
Pickles, ha ha!
radioactive girl,
I totally believe I’ll find something worthwhile after sifting through the shirtless masses…I’ve got my eye on some promising guys, but that’s not nearly as interesting to write about as bitching about the yucky ones!
Holy fuck Pants, I love your tag about Too $hort. That’s some genius I tell you. Keep sharing these profiles with us.
Thanks! And believe me, online dating provides a sea of endless material!
You really cracked me up with the Too Short thing. I haven’t thought of that dude in years because “life is too short”.
Bring it!
Life is Too Short. I love him! “Money In the Ghetto” is one of my all time favs.
Oof, I bet we could compare some funky stories. These dudes and their marriage proposals! I see Humble Greg got to you too.
We definitely need to share battle stories!
I think Humble Greg takes the cake so far unless Pants can find a similar fool from her wanderings.
Humble Greg takes the cake for sure. Though I’ve had some pretty good experiences…like the children’s prosthetics guy I went out with you wanted to turn me into a skin suit. Or if we want to go old school, I went out with a freak years ago (pre-internet dating) who I worked with…caught him getting a BJ in the bathroom from some skank at the end of the night. It was really awkward seeing him at work the next day.
The BJ guy could be really fun to tease. You might have to give a complete run down on him. How did people date before the internet?
Hey, there’s some pretty rich old guys in Ketchum, Idaho. The scenery is beautiful and you can buy wine in a store.
Just sayin’….
Arrange to meet the married guy, then hit him in the face with a shovel. That’ll learn him.
Wow! BTW, I’ve never got the big dick=instant sex god thing. Anyway, it’s not like a guy grows it himself.
Is it terrible that I am looking forward to more stories about this? *giggle*
The timer shower guy is the winner. You know that once you get passed that picture, there are several shots of him topless, and in wife-beaters, and doing that thing where they stretch to show off their muscles. This is what I would say to them:
LOOK, WE KNOW THAT TRICK, IT’S NOT ATTRACTIVE. Now go put a nice dress shirt on, and a friendly smile.
Oh, also, at least the eight inch guy warned you. You know, that he’s a total creep.
The worst are the ones who don’t seem to be creeps until you meet them at a coffee shop and they do nothing but leer at every girl who walks in the shop.
Write the book! Write the book!!!!!!
Oh, dating. I don’t miss it. But, keep pushing! …so to speak.
That is so funny that someone complimented your green eyes. I’ve had someone do that to me too!
Shirtless pictures are SO popular on those sites, especially from younger men. And the shower is SO strange!
Wow! I can’t believe that last guy and he is married. Disgusting! And who would marry someone like that?!
Yes, well I am glad that you debunked that horrible myth that diamonds are a girl’s best friend, because it is obviously a healthy supply of AA’s.
egan,
I think the BJ co-worker might be my worst date of all time. I ran into a friend that night and tried to con him into hanging out with me…after five minutes he split because he couldn’t handle the weirdness. It was Twilight Zone material.
lostinutah,
Hadn’t considered that. It seems there’s a lot of snow mobilin’ that goes on up there. Do you live in Idaho?
yournamehere,
Shovel Justice! Bring it back, yo!
The Grunt,
Oh my, I can only imagine the horrors that girls would encounter if guys could grown their own dick. None of us would be able to sit down.
Thérèse,
There will be lots for you here soon!
matty,
xoxo
Aw, thanks!
Are You Willing to Change?,
Next topic: why are there so many men in Utah with goatees?!
Loralee Choate,
I suppose to properly debunk that myth I should get me some diamonds? Though, you can do A LOT more with a hefty supply of batteries.
Sounds like it was an unrated version of that dating tv show which only runs on late night tv, Blind Date.
Hey Pants, I’m a native Idahoan but currently stuck in the most conservative part of SL County….wishing like hell I could go back. Not from Ketchum, never had enough money to live there, but I’ve spent a lot of time there. Awesome skiing, boarding and yes, snowmobiling.
And some pretty hot looking old guys. I’m not kidding.
Ugh, I’ve been online dating for a few months now, and I am gold to the over-sixty crowd, plus the polyamorous dudes with weird beards & long fingernails. I’ve been ordered to reply by a couple of BDSM guys (guess I come across as a sub), and I’m most attractive to art-school fellows with green hair and lots of facial piercings. Also, surprisingly, there are a few men in their very early twenties who are apparently attracted to old ladies.
So odd! I’ve dated just a few of them, and no luck so far.