Tonight on my way to Sarah’s house, I saw a billboard for a new (Utah) movie; Return With Honor. I did my best to choke back vomit and continued to my boozy destination.
Return With Honor made me consider Utahn’s terrible driving habits…something I have given much thought over the past three weeks. I believe Utahn’s (hello generalization) are prone to aggressive driving because they are so righteous that nothing could possibly harm them. * Just like the urban legend about so-and-so, who was in a terrible accident and had third degree burns covering his entire body; except for where he was protected by his secret underwear. **
That’s all.
*I believe Sister Mary Lisa mentioned this in my last post but I’ve been so out of my normal routine that I can’t be sure…plus I’m a wee bit too tipsy to check.
** Not really THIS bitter. I swear to Satan it’s all a side effect of moving in with my parents at the age of thirty-one.
Hi! First of all, nice title. You get that from American Pie?
I did share my theory about UT drivers on you last post:
Seriously. I have a theory about the aggressiveness of Utah drivers. It has much to do with the Mormon superiority complex combined with the conscious suppression of aggression in other areas of life in order to appear more spirichul and Christlike in front of their peers.
I could be wrong, of course.
And now I have another possible theory. Men with priesthood powah rule in all things, yea, even the highway. Women drivers, sensing this and how very wrong it is, step up their aggression a notch in the one place they can anonymously do so. Not like they can do it at home with their priesthood-wielding man, right?
Regardless of the reason (hell, it could be a combination of all three we’ve speculated on) the sad truth is that Utah drivers suck eggs.
Perhaps you should create a bumper sticker:
Let your light so shine, even while you drive, asshole
Praise to the Man who communed with his road rage
Let us All Press On in Cutting Each Other Off
Will You Drive This Bad in the Celestial Kingdom?
I have to get my eyes checked. I thought that read “Return With Horror.”
Nail
On
Head, girl.
They also like to go the speed limit in the passing lane to help enforce the law of the land. FUCKERS. Tailgatin’, slow-in-fast-lane-drivin’, Suburban-drivin’ dumbasses!
But, ya know.
Welcome home, and all…
Also, I don’t remember whether or not you said anything about where you might be going to school…?
If you’re at the red school in the city, we should coordinate schedules and meet for coffee on campus or something equally studentish. And then we can feel comforted by each other’s over-thirty presence…
I am NOT kidding–my word verification is ffffkco. That is too great for effin’ words!!
p.s. Also, I’m in love with Sister Mary Lisa. Well, with her wit anyway…
Congrats on the job. For some reason that movie you mentioned intrigues me. Damn those Mormons.
Lisa, that’s so nice of you to say! Perhaps it’s because we’re same-name-goddesses? I have yet to meet a Lisa who wasn’t fabulous.
The Mormon movies kill me. One of my Utah relations, thinks it’s fun to give me one each year for Christmas, which really sucks.
I’m sorry you’re there, but at the same time, it makes me happy. I’ll be paying one of my less than 100 hours visits during the first part of December.
Oh, and I want to hear about the job. If you’re working with a bunch of Mo’s, you’re stories will be so flippin’ amazing.
I’m not sure how I feel about you being my doppleganger. Same age, same sign, same Sarah. But I guess since I voulentarily stepped out of the game, I’m glad Sarah has a friend like me, I mean like you, to hang out with. Hopefully we get to meet sometime soon. Until then have fun having drinks with My Sarah!
I guess we (read: YOU!) left Jason a message about pie being the new vagina. We went to a movie and he wouldn’t stop talking about pie and vagina. I tuned most of it out, but I do recall something about pie being the old vagina. He’s weird. I like that.
Midge, my love, you’ll adore Pants. Be happy I have another Cali girl rather than these local bitches I always manage to find.
Utah drivers do suck, and most of them aren’t even gay.
LOVE SML’s bumper stickers – I would buy a boatload of them and pass them out during Pride parades in SLC.
There ARE good people in Utah – it takes some searching to find them, though. The REALLY good ones end up leaving.
I’ll suggest doing what I did: bouncing off of Salt Lake City and landing in Portland, Oregon. Lots of transplants here, and more arrive each day.
I moved to SLC to get the hell out of hell (the D.C. area). I moved out of SLC to get the hell out of caucadia (I think I saw 5 black people the entire 12 years I was in Utah) and to distance myself from funeral potatoes. I feel back in my element now.
Oh, and the LDS movie billboards grated after a while as well. WhoTF watches these things? Better yet, whoTF keeps FUNDING these things? It boggles the mind.
I added it to my NetFlix que.
i was unaware that there was a genre of mormon movies. i’ve seen Orgazmo, but that’s about it..
Gin – Also, Mormon TV shows (see: Big Love)
–
I don’t know if anyone else has said this, but I’m totally in like with Sister Mary Lisa.
Those bumper stickers were PFG.
HAHA! Those billlboards are hilarious. Who watches these stupid movies anyway? Oh yeah, my neighbors do.
I love Mormon urban legends like that one with the super G’s. Let’s just say that all my friends came home with very similar “dusting of the feet” stories and etc.
Secondly, has nobody here been to 9th and 9th? We’re not all slack jawed yokels here. Remember, Utah county is it’s own sovereign nation. Ooh, and the only good Utah driver is you driving your own car. At least Idaho and Cali drivers suck ass worse than us. Tee Hee!
Maybe I’m drinking, but I think it is just religion playing tricks with my head.
I clicked on to that link and thought it was a comic horror movie about a hot Utah missionary coming home to kill — I thought it said “Return with Horror”
lol!
…well, that would make it interesting!
Watch out for those drivers!!!!!
today I ate a cookie, drank a diet coke and watched dogs playing in Golden Gate Park.
…but MUNI was wicked slow. and, yes, the driver of the bus drove in nutty manner. i returned to Castro with horror!
My boyfriend says he loves pie.
Thanks for the compliments on my bumper stickers, guys. You make me smile.
Ms. Pants, how’s things?