Pants, pants, PANTS!

Eventually there will be 100 Things. Right now you get 82 Things.

1. I like ice cubes in my milk.
2. I have kept a journal since I learned to write.
3. I liberated my childhood bear from my parent’s basement. He is much better to sleep with than a dysfunctional boyfriend
4. Though we are grown, my family receives toys as Christmas presents. Even my parents.
5. I destroyed the transmission in my mother’s 1982 Suburban when I was eight-years-old by kicking the gearshift into reverse on the highway because my sister would not share potato chips with me from the third row.
6. My father wanted to put me up for adoption when I killed the Suburban.
7. Losing a friendship has been more devastating than the severing of a romantic relationship.
8. Self evaluation of my contribution to The Man brought me to crisis intervention, as a second job.
9. I accidentally set fire to a Christmas tablecloth when I was nine-years-old. I let my parents think it was a family friend for seventeen years.
10. I miss my grandpas.
11. I attended four grammar schools, one junior high and three high schools.
12. I wonder what it would be like to have a childhood home.
13. My mother told me my freckles were angel kisses when I was four-years-old.
14. At the suggestion of my sister, I tried to scrub the angel kisses off my nose.
15. It took sixteen (more) years to love my freckles.
16. The first time I tried to leave the Mormon Church was before my baptism (at the age of eight). I did not successfully leave until I was nineteen.
17. I smoked for twelve years. I obsessively washed my hands and brushed my teeth so I would not smell like an ashtray.
18. I quit smoking started smoking again quit smoking again after I recognized I had been using it to identify myself as not being Mormon.
19. I make lists of things I have already done when I am stressed out so that I can cross them off.
20. Favorite snack as a munchkin: frozen peas in a Dixie cup.
21. I love hearing stories about the spider monkey my grandpa had as a pet in the 70’s.
22. I have a relative who faked his own death.
23. My favorite (paternal) uncle used to ask me where I got my blue eyes when I was little. I would respond, “From YOU!” I did not realize what I was saying until I was much older.
24. I have the magical ability to know when I have blinked as a picture is taken. I know I have mad skilz.
25. As a child, my parents told me that playing with fire made you wet the bed. Boy, did I prove them wrong!
26. I have been a bridesmaid twice. I am no longer friends with either bride. This leads me to believe that being a bridesmaid is a troubled task.
27. When I was ten-years-old an eight-year-old boy on my block gave me a black eye. I thought my dad was going to kill his mother. His mother probably thought he was going to kill her, too. My dad did a mighty fine impression of the Incredible Hulk.
28. As a tiny tot, I would beg my father, “Take me to the bad parts!” so I could see graffiti.
29. I moved to Utah (ack!) to be near family while returning to school.
30. I NEVER thought I would live in Utah.
31. I am ecstatic to be near my niece: Cutest Baby of Ever. No more two-to-three-times-per-year, part time aunt for me
32. I felt especially guilty about leaving my Swedish Mother. We worked together prior to her retirement and formed an exceptionally tight bond. One day she told me she was my California Mother. I thought that was cute, but my mother (who lives in Utah) did not find it quite so cute: hence, Swedish Mother.
33. I have been able to maintain a friendship with one former boyfriend. We talked about it recently and agree friendship only works out after years of anger (me) and guilt (him). I am so glad we managed the appropriate amount of anger and guilt.
34. Kindergarten graduation is dumb.
35. The only thing I like more than listening to a co-worker obsessively plan their wedding is having an elective pap smear.
36. I have a girl crush on Patricia Arquette.
37. I think Flirting with Disaster is a hilarious movie. Ben Stiller probably should have stopped there.
38. I LOVE avocados.
39. If procrastination were karate I’d have a black belt.
40. I may be turning into a crazy cat lady.
41. I’m pretty sure my cat is an emotional eater. Whenever he wants out and I deny, he goes straight for his food.
42. Some of my favorite books include: The Liars Club by Mary Karr, Birds of America by Lorrie Moore, Little Women by Louisa May Alcott, The Witching Hour by Anne Rice, The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls, any and everything by David Sedaris.
43. I studied Buddhism at a monastery. It made WAY more sense than the religion cult of my childhood…I lasted until they started in with the animal cruelty business. I can’t give up meat- sue me!
44. I just had pictures printed from my digital camera for the first time; I bought it two years ago. (see number 39)
45. I am ADDICTED to all things Law and Order.
46. I have been craving tie dye. (Weird!)
47. I completely HATED Moulin Rouge…though not for lack of trying. I found the way they blatantly pulled from pop culture extremely irritating. “Oh my god! Like a Virgin! I love Madonna! This movie is great!” Barf.
48. Watering tomato plants on a hot summer day is the best smell EVER!
49. Mario Badescu’s Enzyme Cleansing Gel tastes yummy. Um, not like I eat it or anything! (Awkward.)
50. Intervention is one of my favorite television shows. I like watching the family confront their loved one. I love the boppy music they play (during the last five minutes) when they report the subject’s progress!
51. Homophobia makes me very extremely angry and sad.
52. I miss diversity.
53. I cried when Queer as Folk ended.
54. My little niece melts my black heart on a daily basis.
55. I’ve had difficulty sleeping since like the beginning of time.
56. I [briefly] dated a guy who was in the mafia.
57. Mr. Mafia was older than me…we stopped dating because he wouldn’t stop covering me up with his Mr. Rogers freaking sweaters.
58. Hard boiled eggs are filthy and I hate them.
59. Definition of ethnic food in Utah: anywhere that doesn’t serve tater tots.
60. I am falling in love with thrift stores.
61. Newest obsession: Pyrex!
62. One of my BFFs says that thrift stores smell. Uh, yeah they smell: LIKE TREASURES!
63. One of my uncles believes that Democrats and environmentalists are liars, hellbent on destroying our salvation. He says we should be drilling for oil and raping the earth of its resources because God made them for our use and Jesus won’t return till we’ve fucked everything up TO DEATH. Manifest Destiny entitlement makes me so BATSHIT crazy that I almost stabbed myself in the eye with a fork (in IHOP!) to escape the fucking insanity.
64. I had back surgery to repair a herniated disc when I was thirty; that sort of makes me feel geriatric.
65. Whenever my boss asks why I’m so dressed up I tell him I’m going on a job interview.
66. Sometimes I wonder if there are any “normal” families. Seriously, does anyone have a fully functional family dynamic?
67. I like to see movies by myself.
68. Sometimes I wonder how my sisters and I all came out of the same vagina. (I mean nothing negative; I LOVE MY SISTERS! We’re just completely different.)
69. I carry a Harriet the Spy Notebook in my purse at all times.
70. Automated phone systems put me OVER THE EDGE.
71. I think love can be defined by whether or not you can fart in front of your partner. Well, for women…men? Not so much.
72. I’m homesick for California.
73. Crying doesn’t embarrass me nearly as much as the high squeaky tone that replaces my normal voice.
74. People who ask strangers if they are pregnant should be shot on sight, regardless of question accuracy.
75. Modest Mouse is right:
    As life gets longer awful feels softer,
    Well it feels pretty soft to me.
    If it takes shit to make bliss,
    Well I feel pretty blissfully.
76. I have been known to play Scrabble against myself.
77. I love the short story “Eyes of a Blue Dog” by Gabriel García Marquez.
78. I stand by my hatred for the television shows “Everybody Raymond” and “Mind of Mencia”. TOTALLY LAME.
79. When I need to laugh I watch Jim Gaffigan’s Hot Pocket routine.
80. I use a neti pot.
81. If you don’t know the Cake song “Love You Madly” you SHOULD! Seriously, go listen to it right now.
82. I cried today.