July 28th, 2010
Daily care for my grandma is challenging. In the past week I’ve taken her to two separate tests to measure her kidney function. She does not do well with change or altering of her schedule. Unfortunately yesterday’s test was scheduled for 8:00AM. I arrived at gram’s house to wake her and prepare breakfast at 6:30AM. I was surprised to find her awake, showered, dressed, and doing her best elderly zombie impersonation. When she saw me she hollered, “I’M UP!”
Poor grams was so worried about not having enough time to get ready that she didn’t sleep most of the night and woke up at 5:00AM. The instructions for her test were to arrive hydrated. Which she misunderstood and got out of bed multiple times through the night to drink Gatorade. (SHEESH.) When grams does not receive adequate sleep she gets pretty loopy. The night of “hydration” and worry about the test sent her a bit over the edge.
All morning long (and most of the afternoon) Grams could not stop talking about Corrina Corrina, which we watched the previous day. Grams was up most of the night trying to solve the problems of Corrina Corrina because that’s what she does: solve problems (of fictional characters instead of getting much needed sleep). We talked A LOT about what she saw in the movie that needed fixing: little Molly needed playmates but was not ready for school, atheism, and smoking is bad. The hardest part about all of this is sometimes letting her talk on and on about something I see as pointless or a waste of time. It’s all very draining. But it’s where grams is in life and I just keep doing my best to let her say and do whatever she needs to do. I think maybe we should continue watching what we can find of old Cary Grant movies and stick to oldies. Though she still manages to fixate on things with old movies too. Ah, as grams says, “It’s a heck of a life.”
Categories:grams, my dysfunctional family is better than yours
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July 12th, 2010
Mike and I were married (well, technically one year ago YESTERDAY)!
Today we celebrated by going to dinner at a lovely Italian restaurant. It was great! Some highlights…
Prosciutto, arugula, “torched” pears, mascarpone, twelve year balsamic.
Killer braised Angus beef short ribs, warm pancetta spinach salad, garlic and mushrooms.
Crème brûlée! Mike had never had crème brûlée before! Thank goodness for anniversaries to fix such wrongs! 
Categories:Mike = FTW, wedding
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May 11th, 2010
I was over at -R-’s blog and read this brilliant post titled Don’t Make Me Punch You In The Weiner. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one going out of my mind over, well, annoying bullshit. So I decided to play along.
1. It’s impossible to find a proper fucking onion bagel in Utah. The only local bagel store caters to the local tastes (SWEET) and stopped making onion bagels. This infuriates me. I’m considering making bagels at home which is far more work than I want to put in to eat a bagel.
2. I hate it when I cannot solve a problem or conflict and I feel lost in it. I feel that way right now over something that happened with a friend. I’m not sure how to deal with it so I’ve decided to say FUCK IT. I’m not feeling very well about it.
3. Grandma has congestive heart failure and is carrying about 20 extra pounds of water weight so her doctor prescribed diuretics. Diuretics make Grandma CRAZY with anxiety and fear about the toilet and potty and accidents. I understand that it’s stressful to have to move around a lot to go to the bathroom (especially at my grandma’s age) but it is hard to talk about it ALL DAY LONG. Grams went to the bathroom three times in 3 hours and she was screaming, “I WENT TO THE BATHROOM TEN TIMES!” But it’s not worth arguing with her because it’s like trying to reason with a two year old. A very powerful two year old. She’s getting older and more confused (especially with water weight, which makes confusion worse) and it has been difficult lately and I feel like complaining about it makes me a bad person so I’ve been pretty quiet about it. (At least online.)
4. There is no “x” is espresso. I don’t think this will ever not bother me.
Categories:Anxiety, Assholes, confession, crap, list
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May 7th, 2010
Two more days.
I’m really dreading Mother’s Day.
The past couple of weeks have been rough.
I feel all fucked up inside.
I feel like being sad about this is weird and bad.
It makes people uncomfortable.
It makes me uncomfortable.
I’m a mom too.
But I don’t have a baby.
I wish it would get better but I’m not sure if it ever will.
I feel like there will always be a hole in my heart.
Categories:Anxiety, confession, miscarriage
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April 10th, 2010
I am happy to report my grandma is home and doing better. Much better than I had hoped, actually. I was worried about her while she was in transitional rehab, but she’s been home for almost a week now and she seems to be doing great. She’s been in great spirits and I think part of that (aside from she’s doing physically better) is that we’ve started watching movies together each day. We’ve watched Little Women, Anne of Green Gables, and some Jane Austen. Watching time period pieces that she really enjoys (I do too) have helped to to lift her spirits. It is fantastic to hear and see her being so happy and agreeable. In the words of Anne, we’re bosom friends. My mom tells me grandma can’t talk stopping about how grateful she is to have me and she likes to say we’re “two peas in a pod.” It makes my heart happy to hear that.
My old friend Stephanie is here for the weekend and I am so happy to see her. Having Steph around makes everything better. There’s thrift store shopping for us today (hoping for some fantastic Pyrex scores!), along with a trip to Moochie’s for the-best-cheese-steak ever, and tonight I will roast chickens for us. Hooray for the weekend!
Categories:barfing rainbows
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March 17th, 2010
When I quit my job to care for my grandparents I knew the end of my grandpa’s life was soon approaching. My grandma is only three years younger than grandpa was, and I had hoped that when grandpa passed that she and I would have some quality time to spend together. I thought that when the stress of taking care of grandpa (and his often curmudgeonly demands) it would be easier. I’m really disappointed that hasn’t really been the case.
A few weeks ago grandma declared, “I don’t like my life.” It was heartbreaking to hear her say that so I arranged for my dad and uncle to come and give her a priesthood blessing. Respecting her Mormon beliefs has been difficult for me but I do my best because I want to help her. It’s hard for me to see her take things to heart just because a man said them, especially when I’ve been saying the same things. It’s even more frustrating when what the man says is plain wrong. My uncle told her that she needs to enjoy her time here with the family that desires a relationship with her and it made me mad. First, because I felt like he was completely putting her own (valid) feelings of loss aside. Second, because after spending months of working full-time in her home I’ve begun to resent relatives (like my uncle) that have lived five minutes away from her for a decade but never see her, then expect to waltz in and be her BFF after her husband dies.
It’s been really disappointing to see her not doing well, especially when she began acting like obstinate grandpa. She was really sick and needed to go to the hospital. I very frankly told her so and she replied, “I’m not going to the hospital. I am a stone wall.” The “stone wall” crap is something grandpa used to do that drove both of us crazy and it’s sad to see her doing the same thing. After a few days being very sick at home, a home health nurse came (who was one of grandpa’s hospice nurses) and asked her what her long-term goals were. She said she wanted to get better and not feel like she was so the nurse told her she needed to go to the hospital ASAP. The nurse helped me put her into my car (because she refused an ambulance) and we were racing to the hospital within 10 minutes.
Grandma spent five days in the hospital and has been at a transitional rehab for a week now to regain her strength. She doesn’t seem to be getting stronger and it’s hard for me to hear my family all talk about how much stronger she’s getting. It’s frustrating and sad and I’m having a much more difficult time with it than I thought I would.
Categories:Uncategorized
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February 3rd, 2010
When I was kid I stood up for a little neighbor girl when a boy called her racial slurs and told her to go back to her own country. I was only ten years old but I knew that was wrong. She has just as much of a right to be here as the stupid little racist brat. When I told him to pick on someone else he punched me in the eye.
Right now I’m feeling like ten year old me. I wish that I didn’t get so incensed when I see injustice. Why aren’t the people around me upset when they witness felonies within our own family? Everyone says crap like, “No harm no foul.” Well, I say fuck that! A felony is a felony.
Life would be a lot easier if I cared a little less. But then I guess I wouldn’t be me. So I’m just sitting here, taking deep breaths, getting ready to be around my family tomorrow and not lose my shit.
Categories:Anxiety, Assholes, death, my dysfunctional family is better than yours
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January 30th, 2010
The past week has been full of emotions, sadness and frustrations. I have been caring for my grandma and grandpa full-time since November. Previous to that I was cleaning their house and doing little errands for 2 – 4 hours per week. I quit my job and took on caring for them full time when grandma was having trouble keeping up with the demands. Grandpa was not well when I started and I was aware I would likely be caring for him until his death.
He was 92 when he died and grandma will soon be 90. His rapid aging and health issues greatly overshadow the fact that grandma is only 2 years younger than him. He was a difficult man; he was not the most caring or considerate and this seemed to get worse as he aged. I would not have made it through helping to care for him into death if not for my kind and loving grandmother. I’m not sure if she’s an angel or insane, or perhaps a bit of both. (I’ve also started to wonder the same of myself!)
Modern medicine and science have been keeping grandpa alive for a very long time: he was on his fourth or fifth pace maker and had regular blood transfusions for more than a decade. Initially, just a few times per year but before going onto the hospice program in November he received 7 units of blood within 3 weeks. His body was just not able to keep him alive anymore.
The hardest part was watching him die while grandma made excuses for his controlling and manipulative behavior. He couldn’t do anything by himself, not even go to the bathroom. She would shuffle behind him once or twice an hour when he would declare, “I have got to go!” I could see the sadness and exhaustion in her eyes as she would shakily stand from her pink recliner but she rarely talked about it. As much as possible I ran around fetching things for him to save grandma’s aching arthritic legs and knees. Lots of microwaving his “friend” (wheat filled heating pad), grabbing phone, preparing and serving his meals, housework, paying household bills, gardening, preparing his medications, etc.
I have so much more to say and explain but I’m feeling exhausted from the week, so perhaps I will write more later. I’m looking forward to his funeral service on Tuesday and having the funeral preparations and stress end so I can start helping grandma recover and heal from her exhaustion.
Categories:death, my dysfunctional family is better than yours
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January 5th, 2010
My uncle came by today to say hello to the grandparents. He lives and works closer to grams than the rest of us but has only recently started making an effort to spend time with his mother and stepfather. I’m glad that he’s (FINALLY) started to pay attention to grams (because she loves it) but damn, being around him is painful.
Uncle has an inflection to his voice best described as “full of the spirit.” The way that he emphasizes words and takes a soft-spoken, yet authoritative, tone when talking about church stuff (which is pretty much all the time) makes me feel stabby.
Last month he brought by a Jesus-y Christmas book and related a church talk he gave that compared the grips Satan can take on one’s testimony of the gospel to the destruction of the Titanic. BARF-A-FUCKING-RAMA. He also made sure to warn the grandparents about a “Terribly un-American movie. You may have heard of it, it’s called Avatar.” (Cue hysterical laughter.)
During today’s visit I made sure to remain busy cleaning while he was in the house so I didn’t have to interact with him. I should have put in earplugs. First he started in with all this “let’s destroy all of nature in attempt to rape the earth of oil / environmentalists are evil” crap. I didn’t start to really lose it until an elderly neighbor stopped by. Grandma introduced uncle as her “geologist son” to the neighbor.
Neighbor: Geologist, huh? Can you tell me if we’re going to have an earthquake?
Uncle: I can’t tell you if we’re going to have an earthquake, unless you live in Cedar City, then I can tell you that there was an earthquake morning. The real danger you should watch out for is a large meteor hitting the earth.
Neighbor: Is that so? You can tell that with science?
Uncle: Not with science, but with something more concrete: THE BOOK OF REVELATIONS.
Then the uncle and neighbor took turns baring their testimonies of the truthfulness of the one and only restored gospel of Jesus Christ on the earth (aka, THE MORMONS). I did my best to stay away from sharp implements and get the fuck out of there before I lost my mind.
Categories:Anxiety, Childhood Cult, OH MY HORRORS, Utahrds, feeling stabby, if anyone needs me I'll be drinking in my closet
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November 9th, 2009
After all that time being freaked out, depressed, and unemployed I discovered something more maddening: THE WORST JOB EVER. When I told the placement agency just how unhappy I was their response was along the lines of: “We knew that would happen.” ARGH!
I have little notes of the terrible things I heard everyday. I felt like I was on some hidden camera show because honestly, I didn’t know anything could be THAT BAD. I knew I was in serious hell within the first hour when I overheard my supervisor say, “My eight-year-old daughter is never gunna have boobs. At least not until she finds a man to buy them for her.” (Commence vomiting.)
Thankfully, I’m done with that hideous company and moving on to something much more meaningful: helping care for my aging grandparents. For the last couple of months I have been cleaning their house for two hours per week. It was enough at first, but the last few months, weeks in particular, have been rough and my grandma isn’t able to do as much as she used to. I’ve been trying to cram a week’s worth of cleaning into two hours and it just hasn’t been working, so I was ecstatic when she asked if I’d like to increase my hours. I hope that being there will help her regain some of her strength and to feel comforted that she doesn’t need to worry so much. I really enjoy spending time with them and I am grateful to be able to help and feel lucky to spend more time with my grandma and grandpa.
Categories:Assholes, F that stupid job, Utahrds, grams, illiterate dummies are not hot
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